Floss Gloss, How-To, Nails, SUPER BLACK Lacquer

Fast Fingers

Let’s talk about doing cool nails, quickly. Let’s talk about nail designs that look good even if you aren’t ambidextrous. The nail art on my right hand usually sort of seems like maybe my Nana did it. That’s nothing bad about Nana, she just has terrible handwriting. Always has.

I can swing a fork or a dong with either hand, but not a nail art brush.

Easy Mani #1

floss gloss duo color mani

TANLINES and PONY by FLOSS GLOSS

This mani doesn’t really take longer than just painting your nails one color. You need all your regular mani supplies; base coat, top coat, and the two (or more!) colors you want to use.

  1. Put down your base coat, and two coats of your primary polish color on every finger.
  2. Let it dry for a few minutes.
  3. Take your contrasting edge color(s), and, using the edge of the polish brush, swipe the color at various angles on the very tips of all your nails. Make sure you give the brush a wipe on the edge of the bottle before you put down the color; you don’t want any big blobs of polish. It’s a lot easier to add more color here than take any away.
  4. TOP COAT.

That’s it! After I already put the top coat on this, it occurred to me that these colors would look good with little splashes of gold thrown in, too. So, I got that idea filed away for next time.

Sorry. You guys probably can’t tell, but I just totally took a Kardashian game break. Speaking of nails, I’m kind of thinking I should keep one of my index finger nails really short. Like, the opposite of a long pinkie nail. But, instead of for cocaine, it’s for keeping a fingertip free for tapping on my screen. I’m A LIST, BAYBAY. I gotta keep that fingie sleek and ready for action. P.S. Can I say I have a big problem with one aspect of the game? Namely, D List NOBODIES who criticize me when I call them for a date. Why shouldn’t I get extra points for canceling dates with assholes who tell me my outfit doesn’t look nice enough for them? I can’t imagine any of the Kardashian girls would stick around for dinner with someone who said, “That’s what you’re wearing for our date?”

I mean, this guy, literally, only ever wears this outfit and he has the gall to criticize ME?

kimmie game

Fuck this guy.

I hate him so much. He’s my strongest and longest lasting romantic relationship in the game. :(

Easy Mani #2

super black mani

Whip by SUPER BLACK Lacquers

I threw this mani together real late one night. I was gonna get ready for bed, and then I was suddenly struck with inspiration! I gathered up a few things, and slammed this look out in no time at all. I mean, it was FAST. Aside from the normal mani supplies, you need some scotch tape.

I’ve had problems with mani art using tape in the past, but, I think I worked it out this time. Two tips: give the sticky sides of your tape pieces a quick rub on your shirt to unstick the adhesive a little before you put them on your nails, and, only do two or three nails at a time.

  1. Thoroughly and carefully, stick your tape to ALL of your clean, bare nails, covering the tops, leaving however much you want at the bottom for color. Be sure you get the tape flat all the way across. You can gently use an orange stick or a rubber tipped cuticle pusher to smooth down the tape. Don’t forget to leave an edge you can easily grab to pull the tape off when you’re done!
  2. After you have the tape stuck to your nails, apply your base coat, and two thin coats of polish to the uncovered nail areas on two or three fingers.
  3. Then, working quickly and smoothly, pull the tape off your nails. This is where only doing the polish a few nails at a time really comes into play. If you put polish on all ten nails before you pull the tape up, you’ll ruin that straight line. The couple minutes it takes to do those two or three nails is enough time to set the wet polish without it drying too much to pull the tape. Polish and pull the tape off of all ten fingers before moving on to the next step.
  4. TOP COAT. Because you’re adding the top coat to your whole nail, let your polish dry for another few minutes before you add it. I didn’t do this part, and some of the color got transferred up to the bare nail. It was easy enough to clean with some polish remover on a q-tip, but who needs the extra work? NOT ME. NOT YOU. NOT US.

That’s it, guys! Both of these manis got tons of compliments out in the world. We’re about that, right?! If you try them, I hope they work out! I also hope my instructions were clear. If they weren’t, question away!

Buy PONY and FASTLANE from FLOSS GLOSS HERE.

Buy cool holos from SUPER BLACK Lacquers HERE.

 

 

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General

From the mailbag!

suckit says:

“Trying way too hard to be funny and ended up being just plain pointless!”

Thanks for taking the time out of your life to send that, suckit! And congratulations on being my first mean comment!

I have to admit, after my initial, “WHAT THE?!” reaction, I had a hard time working up any kind of hurt feelings over this. If there’s one thing a lifetime of pop culture consumption has taught me, it’s that haters are a sure sign of success.

Successful at what? I’m not sure! I don’t think it really matters!

So, yeah.

adele gif

10days gif

excited kim gif

Sorry you can’t dull my shine, suckit! If anything, you’ve only made me MORE POWERFUL.

 

 

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Bargain Beauty, HauteLook, Nordstrom Beauty Bag

HauteLook Nordstrom Beauty Bag

Some of you know I’ve dabbled in subscription beauty boxes with fair to middling results. After I canceled my GlossyBox, I kind of stopped checking them out. Honestly, it started to feel like I was spending $10-$25 on one or two useable samples a month. Like I’ve said in the past, how many freaking serums can one person use at once?

I do like the idea of the subscription boxes. I’m into getting good stuff, I just don’t want the boring stuff. I got tea packets in a beauty box once. Just regular tea packets. Do you have any idea how many tea packets there are in my kitchen? Neither do I, but, I know it’s a lot. I know there are enough stale boxes of tea in there to last me until I move out of this house and throw them all away.

If only there was a way to only get the good stuff….

wayne's world gif

DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO

Well, well! What do we have here?!

haute look makeup bag

Looks like just a regular old makeup bag. No big deal. What could be inside? Oh, I don’t know, ONLY A MILLION (16) PRODUCTS!

A MILLION (16) GENEROUSLY SIZED, SUPER PRETTY GOOD PRODUCTS!

haute look products

A million (16) generously sized, super pretty good products. 

Good stuff, right!?

Roughly L-R:

Clinique Moisture Surge Extended Thirst Relief gel moisturizer
Botega Veneta Essence Aromatique
fresh Rose Face Mask
Balenciaga Rosabotanica perfume
Lancome Renergie Lift Multi-Action Sunscreen
Molton Brown Pink Pepperpod Body Wash
Whish Pomegranate Body Butter
Mario Badescu Kiwi Face Scrub
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day 5-in-1 Styling Treatment
Philosophy Purity 3-in-1 Cleanser
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer
Ciate nail polish in apple and custard
Estee Lauder Sumptuous Infinite Mascara in Black
LORAC Lip Lustre Gloss in Peach Lustre
Jouer Lip Gloss in Peony
Stila Lip Glaze in Mango Berry

Out of the 16 products, the only one I probably won’t use is the Botega Veneta perfume. It’s not anything special for me, and I have so much perfume, I’ll probably never get to it. I’m super stoked about the Clinique moisturizer, the fresh mask, the Living Proof treatment, the Balenciaga perfume, and the mascara. Honestly, I’m pretty stoked about everything else, too. I’m into stuff like this, because when I always have little expensive moisturizers and mascaras hanging around, I never have to buy full sized expensive moisturizers and mascaras. I don’t even remember the last time I bought a full sized mascara.

haute look gloss swatches

Stila, Jouer, LORAC, and Ciate swatches

Do you want to know where it came from? I should probably get to that part. I guess I kind of spoilered it already in the title, but this amazing bag is from HauteLook!

HauteLook is one of those members only flash sale sites. You know, like, you can get a really good deal, but you only have 14 minutes to check out before the good deal falls out of your cart. It can be a very stressful shopping experience! However, when I bought this bag, I knew exactly what was going to be in it, and it was the only thing I was letting myself look at that day, so I felt good about being able to quickly spend the $25.

What I did not know was how large and in charge the products were going to be! I’m pretty sure that Stila lip gloss is full sized. I wouldn’t even call these products sample sized, I’d maybe call them travel sized. I was thrilled when I dumped out the bag and saw everything! I wanted to roll around in all the pretty products! I didn’t, because it would have been more of me rolling around ON the pretty products, and that could have damaged something. So, like any good mother, I lived vicariously through my child.

haute look rowdy

We have fun.

I’ve seen different versions of this bag pop up from time, so there will be more! On top of that, HauteLook frequently has good sales on great cosmetics brands. In the past, I’ve bought products from theBalm, NYX,  and Urban Decay at really reduced prices. Good stuff, homies! Plus, clothes and weird couches and stuff. But, who cares about that?

HauteLook is free, so that’s cool. It’s ALSO cool that if you sign up using my affiliate link, I’ll get a credit if you ever buy anything! NO PRESH, GUYS! BUT, COME ON. BE COOL.

NO PRESH.

Sign up for HauteLook HERE!!

 

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Beauty Idols, Fave Looks, Urban Decay

Mrs. Mia Wallace

pulp fiction paletteUrban Decay dropped their super limited edition Pulp Fiction themed collection this morning, and although I was interested, I had some struggles. The collection is small, only five pieces; an eyeshadow palette, red lipstick, liner and nail polish, and a glitter liner. Everything looks great, wearable and coordinated, but, I just couldn’t pull the trigger on the shadow palette. I think between all the Naked palettes, including the Basics palette, I’m pretty covered as far as neutral shadows are concerned. As much as I’d like to add this palette to my pile, I think I have to pass.

You have to understand how much this hurt me. Two of my favorites things, UD shadow palettes and Pulp Fiction, are colliding! In faaaaaact, I’d say both UD and Pulp Fiction came into my life around the same time, 20 years ago. I can remember both the first time I bought a UD product, and the first time I watched Pulp Fiction. Combine that with the fact that the whole collection is based on one of my all time BANGS ICONS, Mia Wallace, and you get me in that makeup frenzy where I can’t think straight.

mia dance gif

I wore those bangs for 15 years, and I’ve been post-OD Mia Wallace for Halloween no less than three times. It’s not a stretch to call me a fan.

(**BEAUTY TIP** If you wear that Mia Wallace costume, complete with bloody nose and chest syringe, to the grocery store, people will let you go to the front of the line because you look disgusting. **END BEAUTY TIP**)

Lucky for me(?), my own BAD MOTHERFUCKER was in bed with me while I was loading up my online cart, and he reminded me that I had already decided to skip the shadows. He was right. I did decide that. I’m glad he’s around to keep me from accidentally snorting from the wrong baggie, or, buying eyeshadows I don’t need.

Not that I skipped the whole collection. I didn’t. I have the blood red “Mia Wallace” lip liner and lipstick coming to me, and you guys will see it soon! I wish I could afford to buy everything, just because I want it, but there are no super valuable briefcases around here. I am, however, available to take any and all falls for the right price. The falls don’t even have to be in boxing!

I am not available for watch storage.

Buy Urban Decay’s Pulp Fiction collection HERE.

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Aging, Bargain Beauty, Face, Friday I'm in Love, Moisturizer, Neutrogena, Sun Care

FIIL: Neutrogena Clear Face Sunscreen

fridayiminlove4

 

Speaking of summer, please tell me you’re remembering to wear some sunscreen! Look, I understand, I want caramel thighs, too. But, we gotta put on a leettle bit of sun protection. We all know the more you wear the better, but, I’m realistic. I know you guys. If you’re not going to put on on sunscreen for health’s sake, maybe do it for vanity? That’s why I wear it. The longer people think I’m in my 20s, the better, and there aren’t a lot of 23 year old women walking around with sun spots and wrinkles.

Can I just take a minute and really give thanks for my goth childhood? Blessed be. All those years spent sulking in the shade really saved my skin the usual harm that occurs during the teen years. You can’t get sun damage from sitting in your room and burning incense!

young sarah

Having a really good time at my 15th birthday party.

In the last 17 years since that birthday, I’ve come around on the sun.

Wait.

17, ALMOST 18,  years since that birthday?! The time between the girl in the photo and now is longer than the the time between the girl in the photo and HER BIRTH. That’s so fucking sick. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh no. Things are really on the downhill slide.

Look, I hate to be a downer, but, I’m just realizing that sunscreen won’t turn back the clock. It’s cool though, because, you know, only you have to know the EXACT time on the clock. Not that I’m one of those people who are embarrassed by their age. I’m not. I just want to be 25 forever.

neutrogena clear face sunscreen

I wrote about this sunscreen last year, and my love for it is holding strong. I really dislike even wearing moisturizers that have spf in them, so that really says something. This sunscreen is light and hydrating, without leaving that gross, gritty, grime feeling. Even better, I have never had any adverse reactions from using this product; no zits, no blackheads, no itchy bumps, no residue.

Since I didn’t really grow up to be an outdoors person, I don’t need a separate sunscreen every day. This sunscreen is waterproof, so it’s pretty much just the couple times a week I’m in the pool AKA day drinking and working on the choreography for our “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” routine with my synchronized swimming partner. I’m thinking about aquatic dance moves, and I do not need to be worried about getting a sunburn, ok? I use this sunscreen for my face, ears, neck, and chest; and I use a regular Coppertone, or whatever, for the rest of my body. So far, so good! My face skin is secure.

You can pick up Neutrogena Clear Face Sunscreen pretty much anywhere. I grabbed my bottle at the grocery store! It ain’t hard to come by! Check it out!

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Bargain Beauty, Beauty Tools, e.l.f., Face

Summer Saver! e.l.f. Makeup Mist & Set Spray

Hey! How’s your summer going? Good? Shitty? Just whatever because you’re a fucking real life grown-up and summer *really* isn’t all that much fun anymore because it doesn’t change anything about your day to day life except for that now it’s a lot easier to sweat off all your makeup, and now your car is a rolling heat torture chamber? I can help with the first thing, but, I can’t do anything about that hot car thing except for maybe tell you to try to park in the shade. Maybe get one of those folding things you put in your windshield to make it look like your car is wearing sunglasses? Scratch the maybe on that suggestion, and definitely do that. Now that I’m thinking about it, I think *I* want to get one for my car! Can you imagine how fucking boss the Corolla is going to look in a pair of sweet shades? Summer may not be all that exciting for me, but things are getting very interesting for my car! Someone should make novelty windshield shades that look like real people eyes. Like, Steve Buscemi eyes or Jack Nicholson sunglasses on your car, or something. Nobody steal that idea! That’s my idea! TM!! TM!!

So, we’ve solved your hot car problem. You’re welcome.

Let’s clean up your sweaty, smeared face!

elf setting spray

I grabbed a bottle of this setting spray during a Target frenzy a few weeks ago, and I am INTO IT.  This bottle only cost me $3, but it’s working just as well as any higher end setting spray I’ve ever had.

elf spray before and after

Here’s this little thing I made to show you how well this product works. The first picture was taken in the morning, after I had just done my makeup, and hit it with the spray. The second picture was taken about ten hours later, after a day spent shopping and running errands in over 100 degree weather, and after I went to my bestie’s birthday and ate hella pizza. Hence the pizza. I think it’s important to note that I did not put on any eyeshadow primer when I did my makeup. The e.l.f. spray kept my the shadow in place and crease free. That was super impressive to me because the top half of my face is really greasy, and, without primers, my makeup usually disappears.

Where does it even go? Nobody knows.

Did I happen to mention this spray only costs THREE DOLLARS? What were you going to spend that three dollars on anyways? An app? A big Toblerone? What even costs three dollars?! Nothing good! Except that Toblerone, and this setting spray.

So that settles it! We’ve decided you’re going to buy the Toblerone and the e.l.f. setting spray! It’s only going to cost you SIX DOLLARS! GOTDAMN, you’re savvy when it comes to your dollars.

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Personal

Catfish Thursday!

catfish

Ugh. You guys. I was having a shitty morning, but then, it was “Catfish Thursday,” and I felt so much better! What’s Catfish Thursday? That’s the morning Rowdy and I watch Catfish. Why is Catfish Thursday good? Catfish Thursday is good because it usually has coffee, and it has Catfish. I feel like I have to stop typing Catfish because the word is starting to look weird and lose its meaning, and THAT makes me feel like I’m losing my grip on reality! Wheeee!

THAT SHOW is so riveting to watch! I love it! Every episode is a weird new look into the fucked up workings of the human psyche. I do a weekly recap of the new episode to Jason, and, out loud, it always sounds so bizarre. It is bizarre, I guess. Even the catfish that turn out to be legit are super weird. Like, ok, you are who you say you are, but you’re also the one person in the world who has a super popular youtube channel, but no cell phone? Ok? Whatever you say, lil catfish!

Another thing I’ve learned from Catfish, is that “rapper” is the number one career choice for fraudulent internet boyfriends. I mean, one of these catfish was actually pretending to BE Bow Wow. Come on, young girls, get it together. This many dudes can not be hot rappers. It’s just statistics.

Anyways. That’s Catfish Thursday, and the most important thing is that I feel better. The second most important thing is that we all learned a very important lesson about how hot a dude can be with silver hair.

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