Blemish Control, Dr. Jart+, Face, Masks

Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Mask

dr jart mask

Sephora, $7.50 for one sheet or $35 for a box of five

A couple weeks ago, I hit the Sephora with a fellow childless enabler, and we had a lot of fun! Fun is a nice way of putting it. Rampage is a more accurate way of putting it. Like, did you know they have a sample limit at Sephora? Me neither! They way they told us, it seemed more like a suggestion, so we just kept hammering the samples anyways. I feel like my mid-level Sephora card entitles me to whatever I want in there. My VIB card, and my remaining bitterness over them making it seem like I had a job, and then not hiring me eight years ago. Last year, I made it a goal to let go of old grudges and annoyances, but that Sephora snub still stings. Especially when I saw homeboy that looks like Bobby fucking Hill working in there.

I like to just stay mad about not getting the job that one time so I don’t have to go back and try again. STAY MAD. That’s what I always say. That job is probably so hard; you have to deal with petty assholes like me all day. BUT, there is lipstick….

In my defense, it’s not like I just go in and demand all the samples and don’t buy anything. That’s not a rampage. A rampage involves damage inflicted on a personal level, too. If you’re not swiping your debit card in a near blackout state, sister, you ain’t rampaging.

Amidst the frenzy, in a fog of Tom Ford fragrances, I grabbed one of these single sheet Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Masks. Having never used a sheet mask before, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Since it was a sebum sucking and pore cleansing mask, I thought I’d get something sticky, or clay like. Instead, I got a fairly heavy mask that was absolutely drenched in a thin serum. Really, at that point, I was kind of confused, but, hey, I’m not a doctor! Dr. Jart is the doctor.

dr jart mask photo

-1 point for not having a mouth zipper.

After smoothing the mask onto my face, I realized, unless I kicked back, I was going to have a drippy mess to clean. I did not want that, and I didn’t want to waste any of that precious serum, so I put my head on my little pillow, and just CHILLED. The serum was really cool and relaxing, without any of the burning you can get from mint extracts. When the time was up, I peeled off the mask, and I was really surprised by how much serum my skin had absorbed. The mask wasn’t wet and heavy anymore, it was damp and papery. The directions said not to rinse, to just massage the remaining serum into the skin, and I am so about that. I hate washing off masks! I get so much water everywhere, it really might make more sense for me to just get in the shower. Same amount of toweling off, less water on the floor.

I wasn’t ready for how effective this mask was! My skin was smooth and clear, my underground sebum deposits were smaller, and my nose pores looked so clean. The work on the hard little sebum bumps was especially impressive; I’ve never seen a mask make  a noticeable difference on those before! Those disgusting little beads of oil are my #1 annoyance right now, so this turned me into repeat customer. Next time, I’m buying the whole box!

Buy Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Mask HERE.

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DIY, Floss Gloss, Nail Art, Nails, Uncategorized

On the Thumb

That title is more like, On the Dumb. But, ACTUALLY, like On the Run.

On the Run? They should have called that show, “Get Your Fucking Life for Three Hours.” I’ve watched that HBO special two and a half times, and I haven’t stopped yelling at Bey to kill ‘em all dead. She’s doing it, too!! I mean, I have this need for a beanie with one of those Roman soldier brush thingies on top, now!

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I’d stitch one up myself, but I’m a hundred percent sure the brush would just flop over like a melancholy rooster. And, also, I have no idea where you get one of those brushes.

On Saturday night, I had the champagne flowing, and the cheese plates stacked high. I don’t want to brag, but there were upwards of FIVE different kinds of cheeses. So, yeah. It was pretty fucking gross. I definitely got a stomach ache from all dat cheese. Worth it though!

In honor of the show, I broke out my Sara M. Lyons “Queen Beyonce” nail decals! I love these hilarious lil designs! They’re so perfect and cheeky! They’re also REALLY easy to apply; all you need are some small, sharp scissors, and a bowl of water. They’re basically temporary tattoos for your nails, they have the same application concept as that bitchin’ ying-yang sign you bought out of the machine at the pizza parlor that one time.

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Nails are one of my all time faves, Con Limon by Floss Gloss

I fucked mine up by not using a lighter polish underneath them. As a result, Bey looks a little jaundiced. Jayndiced? Haha. Get it?
Bey-Z looks better here:

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See? On the Thumb. Whomp, whomp.

Sara (probs too familiar) makes dope shit that really speaks to me. Like, her Babewolf, or, her “In Lux We Trust” piece, which is so awesome, it kind of makes me want to cry. I just realized I’m gushing, and I was gonna be all, “I’m a gusher,” but that’s not right. Let’s say, “I’m a fan.” That doesn’t sound as damp.

These Bey decals are available only from Emerging Thought. Buy them HERE.

Check out other sweet Sara M. Lyons stuff, HERE.

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Fave Looks, Glasses, Lips, Lipstick, MAC

MAC Heroine Lipstick

MAC Heroine

Dat liner doe.

I’m a sucker for a purple lip.

Purple eyeshadow, too. I’m a sucker for purple eyeshadow.

PURPLE NAILS! Don’t even get me started!!

Long story short; I guess purple is my favorite color.

Well…and black. Is leopard a color? No, that’s silly! Leopard is a neutral!

“Leopard is a neutral,” has been my life motto since I was 16. I figured it out, and never looked back.

WE’RE NOT PREACHING THE JOYS OF LEOPARD, SARAH. REMEMBER YOUR FIVE Gs.

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GOOD GOD, GET A GRIP, GIRL. 

The look above mixes up a purple lip with a leopard top, so I was pretty into it.  The lip is MAC’s Heroine, a vibrant, red-based purple. This color was a cult hit that MAC brought back, and made a part of their permanent collection. That’s good news because I could really see myself finishing this tube of lipstick. I mean, as soon as it came home, I made it a part of MY permanent collection (the zipper pouch inside my purse).

Heroine has a satin finish, and it wears down to a bright matte that has a lot of staying power. I really appreciate that in a lip color. I love to do my makeup, but, I really hate having to constantly reapply my lip. I’m a modern woman! I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense. I don’t have time, and, also, I forget. And, also, pizza.

Oh, man. Pizza sounds so good right now. What time is it? 9:15?!?! Pizza isn’t even open yet. That’s ok. Everyone knows the sweetest pizza is the one you have to wait for.

This lip color goes with all my favorite faces; neutral eye/bold lip, bold eye/bold lip, glasses/bold lip.

MAC Heroine x glasses

Glasses/bold lip goes ANYWHERE, with EVERYTHING. I love it! If you wear glasses, and you want some compliments, do it. People fucking love it. If you don’t have glasses, I feel bad for you, you’re obviously a dum-dum. Everyone knows glasses make you super smart. Glasses are also the best way to hide your true beauty. When you take them off, everyone is super impressed by how good looking and popular you are! WOWZA.

This post, you guys, it’s not so good. I’m sorry. I accidentally took a summer vacation, now I’m super rusty!

Rusty

ACTUAL SUPER RUSTY

That Rusty might be my favorite. I love the Anthony Michael Hall Rusty, but, this Rusty is hysterical to me. Those Rustys are tied for first? Second place is Nick Papagiorgio Rusty. David from Roseanne Rusty is neither here nor there for me.

Buy Heroine by MAC HERE or in stores.

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Beauty Idols, MAC, Upcoming

MAC x Rocky Horror Collection for Fall 2014!!!!

mac x rocky horror

AUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MAC announced the Rocky Horror Fall collection, and I am SHIVERING WITH ANTICI………….

PATION!

I see a nail polish, a lipstick, and a couple glitters or pigments that I’m going to need. The collection drops online September 29th, and in stores on October 2nd. Lucky for me, that’s just a few days before my birthday! I think the traditional 33rd birthday present is Dr. Frank-N-Furter themed lipstick, so this works out great!

Temptalia has the full details, and photos. Go up to the lab, and see what’s on the slab! Check it out! 

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Floss Gloss, How-To, Nails, SUPER BLACK Lacquer

Fast Fingers

Let’s talk about doing cool nails, quickly. Let’s talk about nail designs that look good even if you aren’t ambidextrous. The nail art on my right hand usually sort of seems like maybe my Nana did it. That’s nothing bad about Nana, she just has terrible handwriting. Always has.

I can swing a fork or a dong with either hand, but not a nail art brush.

Easy Mani #1

floss gloss duo color mani

TANLINES and PONY by FLOSS GLOSS

This mani doesn’t really take longer than just painting your nails one color. You need all your regular mani supplies; base coat, top coat, and the two (or more!) colors you want to use.

  1. Put down your base coat, and two coats of your primary polish color on every finger.
  2. Let it dry for a few minutes.
  3. Take your contrasting edge color(s), and, using the edge of the polish brush, swipe the color at various angles on the very tips of all your nails. Make sure you give the brush a wipe on the edge of the bottle before you put down the color; you don’t want any big blobs of polish. It’s a lot easier to add more color here than take any away.
  4. TOP COAT.

That’s it! After I already put the top coat on this, it occurred to me that these colors would look good with little splashes of gold thrown in, too. So, I got that idea filed away for next time.

Sorry. You guys probably can’t tell, but I just totally took a Kardashian game break. Speaking of nails, I’m kind of thinking I should keep one of my index finger nails really short. Like, the opposite of a long pinkie nail. But, instead of for cocaine, it’s for keeping a fingertip free for tapping on my screen. I’m A LIST, BAYBAY. I gotta keep that fingie sleek and ready for action. P.S. Can I say I have a big problem with one aspect of the game? Namely, D List NOBODIES who criticize me when I call them for a date. Why shouldn’t I get extra points for canceling dates with assholes who tell me my outfit doesn’t look nice enough for them? I can’t imagine any of the Kardashian girls would stick around for dinner with someone who said, “That’s what you’re wearing for our date?”

I mean, this guy, literally, only ever wears this outfit and he has the gall to criticize ME?

kimmie game

Fuck this guy.

I hate him so much. He’s my strongest and longest lasting romantic relationship in the game. :(

Easy Mani #2

super black mani

Whip by SUPER BLACK Lacquers

I threw this mani together real late one night. I was gonna get ready for bed, and then I was suddenly struck with inspiration! I gathered up a few things, and slammed this look out in no time at all. I mean, it was FAST. Aside from the normal mani supplies, you need some scotch tape.

I’ve had problems with mani art using tape in the past, but, I think I worked it out this time. Two tips: give the sticky sides of your tape pieces a quick rub on your shirt to unstick the adhesive a little before you put them on your nails, and, only do two or three nails at a time.

  1. Thoroughly and carefully, stick your tape to ALL of your clean, bare nails, covering the tops, leaving however much you want at the bottom for color. Be sure you get the tape flat all the way across. You can gently use an orange stick or a rubber tipped cuticle pusher to smooth down the tape. Don’t forget to leave an edge you can easily grab to pull the tape off when you’re done!
  2. After you have the tape stuck to your nails, apply your base coat, and two thin coats of polish to the uncovered nail areas on two or three fingers.
  3. Then, working quickly and smoothly, pull the tape off your nails. This is where only doing the polish a few nails at a time really comes into play. If you put polish on all ten nails before you pull the tape up, you’ll ruin that straight line. The couple minutes it takes to do those two or three nails is enough time to set the wet polish without it drying too much to pull the tape. Polish and pull the tape off of all ten fingers before moving on to the next step.
  4. TOP COAT. Because you’re adding the top coat to your whole nail, let your polish dry for another few minutes before you add it. I didn’t do this part, and some of the color got transferred up to the bare nail. It was easy enough to clean with some polish remover on a q-tip, but who needs the extra work? NOT ME. NOT YOU. NOT US.

That’s it, guys! Both of these manis got tons of compliments out in the world. We’re about that, right?! If you try them, I hope they work out! I also hope my instructions were clear. If they weren’t, question away!

Buy PONY and FASTLANE from FLOSS GLOSS HERE.

Buy cool holos from SUPER BLACK Lacquers HERE.

 

 

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General

From the mailbag!

suckit says:

“Trying way too hard to be funny and ended up being just plain pointless!”

Thanks for taking the time out of your life to send that, suckit! And congratulations on being my first mean comment!

I have to admit, after my initial, “WHAT THE?!” reaction, I had a hard time working up any kind of hurt feelings over this. If there’s one thing a lifetime of pop culture consumption has taught me, it’s that haters are a sure sign of success.

Successful at what? I’m not sure! I don’t think it really matters!

So, yeah.

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Sorry you can’t dull my shine, suckit! If anything, you’ve only made me MORE POWERFUL.

 

 

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Bargain Beauty, HauteLook, Nordstrom Beauty Bag

HauteLook Nordstrom Beauty Bag

Some of you know I’ve dabbled in subscription beauty boxes with fair to middling results. After I canceled my GlossyBox, I kind of stopped checking them out. Honestly, it started to feel like I was spending $10-$25 on one or two useable samples a month. Like I’ve said in the past, how many freaking serums can one person use at once?

I do like the idea of the subscription boxes. I’m into getting good stuff, I just don’t want the boring stuff. I got tea packets in a beauty box once. Just regular tea packets. Do you have any idea how many tea packets there are in my kitchen? Neither do I, but, I know it’s a lot. I know there are enough stale boxes of tea in there to last me until I move out of this house and throw them all away.

If only there was a way to only get the good stuff….

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DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO, DOODLY-DOO

Well, well! What do we have here?!

haute look makeup bag

Looks like just a regular old makeup bag. No big deal. What could be inside? Oh, I don’t know, ONLY A MILLION (16) PRODUCTS!

A MILLION (16) GENEROUSLY SIZED, SUPER PRETTY GOOD PRODUCTS!

haute look products

A million (16) generously sized, super pretty good products. 

Good stuff, right!?

Roughly L-R:

Clinique Moisture Surge Extended Thirst Relief gel moisturizer
Botega Veneta Essence Aromatique
fresh Rose Face Mask
Balenciaga Rosabotanica perfume
Lancome Renergie Lift Multi-Action Sunscreen
Molton Brown Pink Pepperpod Body Wash
Whish Pomegranate Body Butter
Mario Badescu Kiwi Face Scrub
Living Proof Perfect Hair Day 5-in-1 Styling Treatment
Philosophy Purity 3-in-1 Cleanser
Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer
Ciate nail polish in apple and custard
Estee Lauder Sumptuous Infinite Mascara in Black
LORAC Lip Lustre Gloss in Peach Lustre
Jouer Lip Gloss in Peony
Stila Lip Glaze in Mango Berry

Out of the 16 products, the only one I probably won’t use is the Botega Veneta perfume. It’s not anything special for me, and I have so much perfume, I’ll probably never get to it. I’m super stoked about the Clinique moisturizer, the fresh mask, the Living Proof treatment, the Balenciaga perfume, and the mascara. Honestly, I’m pretty stoked about everything else, too. I’m into stuff like this, because when I always have little expensive moisturizers and mascaras hanging around, I never have to buy full sized expensive moisturizers and mascaras. I don’t even remember the last time I bought a full sized mascara.

haute look gloss swatches

Stila, Jouer, LORAC, and Ciate swatches

Do you want to know where it came from? I should probably get to that part. I guess I kind of spoilered it already in the title, but this amazing bag is from HauteLook!

HauteLook is one of those members only flash sale sites. You know, like, you can get a really good deal, but you only have 14 minutes to check out before the good deal falls out of your cart. It can be a very stressful shopping experience! However, when I bought this bag, I knew exactly what was going to be in it, and it was the only thing I was letting myself look at that day, so I felt good about being able to quickly spend the $25.

What I did not know was how large and in charge the products were going to be! I’m pretty sure that Stila lip gloss is full sized. I wouldn’t even call these products sample sized, I’d maybe call them travel sized. I was thrilled when I dumped out the bag and saw everything! I wanted to roll around in all the pretty products! I didn’t, because it would have been more of me rolling around ON the pretty products, and that could have damaged something. So, like any good mother, I lived vicariously through my child.

haute look rowdy

We have fun.

I’ve seen different versions of this bag pop up from time, so there will be more! On top of that, HauteLook frequently has good sales on great cosmetics brands. In the past, I’ve bought products from theBalm, NYX,  and Urban Decay at really reduced prices. Good stuff, homies! Plus, clothes and weird couches and stuff. But, who cares about that?

HauteLook is free, so that’s cool. It’s ALSO cool that if you sign up using my affiliate link, I’ll get a credit if you ever buy anything! NO PRESH, GUYS! BUT, COME ON. BE COOL.

NO PRESH.

Sign up for HauteLook HERE!!

 

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