This piece on xoVain, “Lipsticks Are My Cigarettes,” has got me making a Target list! I want that orange one! I hardly ever buy drugstore lipstick, so I’m interested in giving them a shot.
And then I sing, “SICK GIRL! NAHH NAHH NAHH NAHH SICK GIRL SHE’S A SICK GIRL WE’RE ALL SICK GIRLS!”
Because you can’t run from your past, you guys. And sometimes your past includes Social Distortion, and that’s OK. Plus, I’ve been sick, and on sizzurp, so I make a lot of funny jokes.
I’m finally on the actual road to recovery now. My voice still sounds sexy-froggier than usual, but that’s fun, so it can stay. It’s been really helpful in my Zooey impressions. I fucking kill at that cotton commercial song.
This is me stalling around because I don’t have anything right now!
The only product I’ve tested this week was a new toothbrush. I had to throw my old toothbrush away because it had been in my mouth, of all places.
Like, I finally emerged from my blankets after a week, and the whole operation has fallen apart! My hair is a mess, my legs are hairy, my mustache is twirlable, I haven’t even been able to bring myself to make full eye contact with my eyebrows. Even my glasses are really dirty?!
I feel like I’ve hit beauty rock bottom. I’m starting from scratch here. Dudes don’t understand how much work it takes to maintain all this stuff. I mean, really, one week of disregard for my appearance, and the whole racket goes feral. Where do I start? Probably with my legs, right? Get my razor all good and clogged. Thanks to my black soap, the only thing still working right is my skin. Which is super unusual, since usually when I get sick, I break out pretty bad. And why not? Days of sweating, and rolling my dirty head around my pillow equals chin zits. I usually get crazy dry patches around my mouth and nose from Kleenex and stuff too, and that’s not a problem either. That’s the worst part, right? Not only were you sick, but now you feel like you have to tell people, “It’s not mocos! It’s just dry skin!”
I’m still steering clear of my lipsticks and anything else I could cross contaminate for the next couple days. I can show you guys some cool polish. I’ll be doing that soon.
But, how about this?! If you guys have any questions or need any beauty advice, LIFE ADVICE, send your queries my way! I’ll even keep you anonymous if you want. Leave comments, use the contact form, sext me, come to me in a dream, however you want to do it! I’ll start answering questions here on the site.
And the winners are……
Emails have been sent to notify the winners!
Thanks so much to everyone who entered and shared. It was a lot of fun, and we’ll do another giveaway soon!
1981 – These dirty birds brought me into the world.
2005 – I have more recent photos, but their dogs are hilarious.
My mom looks like Mexican Mary J. Blige, my dad looks like if Harold Ramis and William Shatner had a baby. There are a lot of great things about being biracial. Having a crazy skin tone that’s hard to match isn’t one of them.
They* say in a thousand years everyone will look like me. That by then, everybody will have humped each other into one race, and we’ll all be sort of brown. I think these are some science facts I heard. It seems right to me.
Those beautiful, caramel colored, future people are lucky because MAKE UP FOR EVER HD Foundation exists. They’ve already totally nailed our hard to match olive skin tone. Everyone is always trying to make me so pink! Or, so yellow! Or, so pale! I’m like, weirdly pale, but also brown. I often feel like I’m settling with the color of my foundations and powders. They’ll seem right at first, but soon I’ll feel like I’m looking really flushed, or like my jaw doesn’t match my neck. That’s really tough for someone who thinks about makeup as much as I do. Like, I have enough to worry about in photos. I don’t need this too!
Until the time comes that there’s the need for only one foundation color, MAKE UP FOR EVER has 26 shades available, to cover a wide range of skin tones. This foundation has really great, buildable coverage that leaves a soft, flawless finish. I apply it, a couple pumps at a time, off the back of my hand, using my Sigma Beauty F80 Flat Kabuki brush, from the center of my face, out. I love it because it blends beautifully, and evens out my skin without totally covering my moles and freckles. I don’t want a totally flat face, you know? It doesn’t settle into lines and creases, and it doesn’t get gross or cakey looking throughout the day. It also works on different skin types, and ages. I’m more dry/combination, but my mom is very oily and she uses it too. Her skin tone is also very hard to match, and she was able to find a foundation that worked for her out of their line. That’s really saying something. My mom has been looking for a good match for, like, her entire life.
You don’t have to wear a powder over this foundation, I often don’t. But, if you want to, you can just use a light dusting of translucent powder.
I wanted to show you guys a photo. But, since I’ve had bronchitis for 5 days, I look really terrible right now. Like, really, I don’t even remember when I last washed my hair. Soooo….I went through my photos and found one that showed my face really close.
I don’t look anything like that right now. And, it’s so embarrassing that I just have all these photos of my own posed face readily available. For whatever occasion! The judgmental way the dog looks at me when I’m in front of the lights, taking a thousand barely different pictures of myself, is enough to know that I should be ashamed.
But you know what I’m not ashamed of? How awesome my skin looks since I started using this foundation.
*Scientists? Worried racists? I swear I read this somewhere.
WHOA, YOU GUYS.
I got super down with the sickness all of a sudden.
Before I took up my new lot in life as Typhoid Sarah, I was having a great time as Swimming In Everyone’s Pools Sarah. I randomly grabbed this sunscreen lotion on a beer and cake run to the grocery store one morning, and it was the the third best decision I’d made that day. After the decisions to buy beer and cake.
Usually, I hate putting sunblock on my face. It feels sticky disgusting, and it will often make me break out. This sunscreen lotion was really different! It went on almost like a regular moisturizer with sunblock. I mean, you could tell it was a little more than that, but not much. More importantly, once it absorbed, it felt breathable, and my face wasn’t gritty or gross. I was able to float around, pina colada in hand, without feeling like a zit was feeding on a sunblock/pool water/sweat stew.
I used this several times last week, and I was really thrilled with it every time. I’d be out of the pool, and my skin would feel soft and smooth instead of dry and dirty. It was true to its “break-out free” promise, and even though I was in the sun for hours and hours, my color barely changed. That kind of sucks. But, I know that means it was working.
I bought mine at the grocery store, and I saw it on display at Target yesterday, so it’s really easy to find. Make sure to wait about 10 minutes after applying before getting in the pool, and don’t forget to reapply after you’ve been in the water for a while!
Right now, my bottle is gathering dust while I waste away. I fear I shall be bedridden forever. That would make Rowdy really happy since she’s always trying to entice me back into bed for naps and snuggles and whatnot.
Get this, and swim for me! Don’t take your health for granted!
I sound like my grandma.
That lipstick makes you look cheap. And why are you wearing your hair like that anyways? But, what do I know? You never call or come to visit anyways.
It’s finally time for the Rihanna Hearts MAC giveaway! I’m really excited about this, especially now that the lipsticks I have to give away are sold out.
The Lab Bunny: I sit on the internet for hours to buy lipstick so you don’t have to!
I have one (1) tube of Riri Woo, and one (1) tube of Riri Boy, there will be two (2) winners, chosen randomly. The contest runs from today, 7/8, until Sunday evening, 7/14, at 11:59 PM. The winners will be announced next Monday!
Enter, share, cross your fingers and toes! Good luck!
Putting oil directly onto your face to improve your skin seems counterintuitive. The first time I tried a face oil, I was a teenager, and I was having some pizza face problems. My mom took me to the Clarins counter, the lady suggested their Lotus Face Treatment Oil, and I was suspicious. Oil to clear up my zits? Right, lady. Why don’t I just eat french fries and chocolate while I’m at it? (Back then, chocolate and french fries were often blamed for acne in Seventeen advice columns. This is pretty much bullshit.)
It took a minute to get the hang of it, and I did, fo sho, make a greasy mess most of the time, but it worked! My skin cleared up.
After that experience, Mario Badescu Rose Hips Nourishing Oil wasn’t gonna scare me off with the dreaded “o” word. I know what’s up. Now, “oil” can join “orgasm,” “oreo,” and “oral” on my list of O WORDS THAT ARE GOOD FOR YOU.
This lightweight and fast absorbing oil is full of vitamin C, so it brightens as well as hydrates. It reduces scaliness and improves texture. I’ve been using it for a couple months now (except for the week I was testing the black soap alone), and combined with my Fresh Soy Cleanser and my black soap, my skin is the best its been in recent memory.
The first time I used it, I was confused by the consistency. It’s not oily at all. It’s practically watery. It was so not what I was expecting, that I thought for sure someone had tried to pull the old switcheroo on me, and I was like, “DAMN YOU, ULTAAAAAA!!!” But, after some furious late night, towel clad Googling, I figured out that nobody had pulled a fast one on me. I was just suspicious, as usual. I always think neighborhood teens are stealing my magazines too.
In the evenings, after cleansing in the shower, I put 4-5 drops onto the back of my hand, and apply it to my face that way – it’s easier than trying to wrangle it on your fingertips. You can wear it under your regular moisturizer, too. I’ve been using it under my Cetaphil moisturizer, and they’re a really nice combination together.
And, hey! If you get it at Ulta right now, you can get a free deluxe sample of the Mario Badescu Drying Cream. That little jar is enough to last you forever! BONUS.