Floss Gloss, How-To, Instagram, Nail Art, Nails, Nicole by OPI

Easy Peasy Manikreezy

I was, like, not made to live without a beauty team. I guess I can do my own nails, but it’s really better if someone else does them. I’m a Real Housewife, not a real housewife. Know what I mean?

It’s not like I’m particularly bad at doing my nails. I used to be pretty good at it until several months of fills and fresh sets ruined me. I don’t know! I’m so bad at the edges now! This entire mani was invented around avoiding my GD cuticle edges.

Allll the areas around my actual nails are the splash zone. Mani specifically designed around avoiding this situation, and I’m still “cleaning up” my nails in the shower. ACK!

OH WELL. This nail art(?) is great because it doesn’t need tape, a steady hand, or, extra brushes. I didn’t even need to sit at the kitchen table to get a level work surface. I did the whole thing kicked all the way back on the couch. I’ll tell you how!

You’re going to need three colors; two for the base, and one for on top. I used two Floss Gloss colors, DONATELLA and MOON BABY, for the base, and GIVE ME THE 1ST DANCE by Nicole by OPI for the top.

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L – R: MOON BABY, DONATELLA, GIVE ME THE 1ST DANCE

First, make haphazard swipes of your base colors on the bottom 3/4 of your nails. Do all ten fingers.

Then, working one nail at a time, dab some of your top color on the tip, sort of lightly pulling the color upwards.

Wipe all the polish off the brush, onto the lip of the bottle.

Drag the brush from the tip to the top of your nail. I liked the silver color for this because it gave everything an antique looking finish. You might need to dab more polish here and there, depending on where you want the coverage. Just make sure you wipe all the excess off the brush for the thinly layered areas. If at any point, your coverage with this color gets too solid, take a q-tip soaked in polish remover, and gently roll it over the areas you want to thin out.

Cover it all with a top coat, and you’re done!

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OF COURSE I got polish on my finger here.

You sort of can’t fuck this up. I mean, you can, but, it’s hard. My first finger looked like garbage compared to the rest of them. But, by the time I got to the end, they were looking exactly how I’d hoped. I was even able to go back and fix the ugly one with my q-tip trick! Just be patient with yourself, work with the dabbing and brushing, and you’ll get the hang of it! 

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DIY, Floss Gloss, Nail Art, Nails, Uncategorized

On the Thumb

That title is more like, On the Dumb. But, ACTUALLY, like On the Run.

On the Run? They should have called that show, “Get Your Fucking Life for Three Hours.” I’ve watched that HBO special two and a half times, and I haven’t stopped yelling at Bey to kill ’em all dead. She’s doing it, too!! I mean, I have this need for a beanie with one of those Roman soldier brush thingies on top, now!

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I’d stitch one up myself, but I’m a hundred percent sure the brush would just flop over like a melancholy rooster. And, also, I have no idea where you get one of those brushes.

On Saturday night, I had the champagne flowing, and the cheese plates stacked high. I don’t want to brag, but there were upwards of FIVE different kinds of cheeses. So, yeah. It was pretty fucking gross. I definitely got a stomach ache from all dat cheese. Worth it though!

In honor of the show, I broke out my Sara M. Lyons “Queen Beyonce” nail decals! I love these hilarious lil designs! They’re so perfect and cheeky! They’re also REALLY easy to apply; all you need are some small, sharp scissors, and a bowl of water. They’re basically temporary tattoos for your nails, they have the same application concept as that bitchin’ ying-yang sign you bought out of the machine at the pizza parlor that one time.

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Nails are one of my all time faves, Con Limon by Floss Gloss

I fucked mine up by not using a lighter polish underneath them. As a result, Bey looks a little jaundiced. Jayndiced? Haha. Get it?
Bey-Z looks better here:

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See? On the Thumb. Whomp, whomp.

Sara (probs too familiar) makes dope shit that really speaks to me. Like, her Babewolf, or, her “In Lux We Trust” piece, which is so awesome, it kind of makes me want to cry. I just realized I’m gushing, and I was gonna be all, “I’m a gusher,” but that’s not right. Let’s say, “I’m a fan.” That doesn’t sound as damp.

These Bey decals are available only from Emerging Thought. Buy them HERE.

Check out other sweet Sara M. Lyons stuff, HERE.

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Floss Gloss, How-To, Nails, SUPER BLACK Lacquer

Fast Fingers

Let’s talk about doing cool nails, quickly. Let’s talk about nail designs that look good even if you aren’t ambidextrous. The nail art on my right hand usually sort of seems like maybe my Nana did it. That’s nothing bad about Nana, she just has terrible handwriting. Always has.

I can swing a fork or a dong with either hand, but not a nail art brush.

Easy Mani #1

floss gloss duo color mani

TANLINES and PONY by FLOSS GLOSS

This mani doesn’t really take longer than just painting your nails one color. You need all your regular mani supplies; base coat, top coat, and the two (or more!) colors you want to use.

  1. Put down your base coat, and two coats of your primary polish color on every finger.
  2. Let it dry for a few minutes.
  3. Take your contrasting edge color(s), and, using the edge of the polish brush, swipe the color at various angles on the very tips of all your nails. Make sure you give the brush a wipe on the edge of the bottle before you put down the color; you don’t want any big blobs of polish. It’s a lot easier to add more color here than take any away.
  4. TOP COAT.

That’s it! After I already put the top coat on this, it occurred to me that these colors would look good with little splashes of gold thrown in, too. So, I got that idea filed away for next time.

Sorry. You guys probably can’t tell, but I just totally took a Kardashian game break. Speaking of nails, I’m kind of thinking I should keep one of my index finger nails really short. Like, the opposite of a long pinkie nail. But, instead of for cocaine, it’s for keeping a fingertip free for tapping on my screen. I’m A LIST, BAYBAY. I gotta keep that fingie sleek and ready for action. P.S. Can I say I have a big problem with one aspect of the game? Namely, D List NOBODIES who criticize me when I call them for a date. Why shouldn’t I get extra points for canceling dates with assholes who tell me my outfit doesn’t look nice enough for them? I can’t imagine any of the Kardashian girls would stick around for dinner with someone who said, “That’s what you’re wearing for our date?”

I mean, this guy, literally, only ever wears this outfit and he has the gall to criticize ME?

kimmie game

Fuck this guy.

I hate him so much. He’s my strongest and longest lasting romantic relationship in the game. 🙁

Easy Mani #2

super black mani

Whip by SUPER BLACK Lacquers

I threw this mani together real late one night. I was gonna get ready for bed, and then I was suddenly struck with inspiration! I gathered up a few things, and slammed this look out in no time at all. I mean, it was FAST. Aside from the normal mani supplies, you need some scotch tape.

I’ve had problems with mani art using tape in the past, but, I think I worked it out this time. Two tips: give the sticky sides of your tape pieces a quick rub on your shirt to unstick the adhesive a little before you put them on your nails, and, only do two or three nails at a time.

  1. Thoroughly and carefully, stick your tape to ALL of your clean, bare nails, covering the tops, leaving however much you want at the bottom for color. Be sure you get the tape flat all the way across. You can gently use an orange stick or a rubber tipped cuticle pusher to smooth down the tape. Don’t forget to leave an edge you can easily grab to pull the tape off when you’re done!
  2. After you have the tape stuck to your nails, apply your base coat, and two thin coats of polish to the uncovered nail areas on two or three fingers.
  3. Then, working quickly and smoothly, pull the tape off your nails. This is where only doing the polish a few nails at a time really comes into play. If you put polish on all ten nails before you pull the tape up, you’ll ruin that straight line. The couple minutes it takes to do those two or three nails is enough time to set the wet polish without it drying too much to pull the tape. Polish and pull the tape off of all ten fingers before moving on to the next step.
  4. TOP COAT. Because you’re adding the top coat to your whole nail, let your polish dry for another few minutes before you add it. I didn’t do this part, and some of the color got transferred up to the bare nail. It was easy enough to clean with some polish remover on a q-tip, but who needs the extra work? NOT ME. NOT YOU. NOT US.

That’s it, guys! Both of these manis got tons of compliments out in the world. We’re about that, right?! If you try them, I hope they work out! I also hope my instructions were clear. If they weren’t, question away!

Buy PONY and FASTLANE from FLOSS GLOSS HERE.

Buy cool holos from SUPER BLACK Lacquers HERE.

 

 

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Eyeshadow, Floss Gloss, Nails, Personal

Picture Show

Since it’s Monday, I thought we could ease into the week together. AKA I don’t want to write anything, I want to go to Target. Lucky for everyone my phone has 4,201 pictures on it! Lucky for YOU, I’m only going to show you a few. I can’t show you all of them, because that would be too erotique. You would not even be able to handle it.  Your eyes would bug out, steam would whistle out of your ears, and you would hit yourself over the head a bunch of times with a mallet.

*****

nana hands

Crazy bright in any light!

Every few weeks, or so, I go to my Nana’s house and give her a manicure. She likes to get her nails done with fun colors, and I like to sit at her kitchen table and hear the same story a bunch of times. JUST KIDDING. I mean, not really. She does tell me the same story a bunch of times, but when she’s not doing that, she’s telling me cool stuff. Seriously, if your Nana is around, go over and do her nails. While you’re doing them, ask her all the questions you’ve ever wanted to know about family secrets and who she was before she was your Nana. No lie, she will tell you EVERYTHING.

These photos are from when I did her birthday nails a couple months ago. It was a really fun morning. We did nails, talked shit about all the people we know, and some shit about people we don’t know. Relatives were calling the whole time, so we never ran out of topics to discuss.

I know you guys probably don’t want to read a beauty blog about some abuelita, but OH WELL. She’s one of my top #1 LADY POWER ICONS. She’s a queen. And, look at the polish she picked! This color is Bikini Coral by Floss Gloss. It’s a killer, retina searing, attention grabbing summer polish! It looks fucking amazing on her skin.

Nana would hate that I was showing these pictures, because she thinks she has ugly hands, but she’s tripping. As long as I can remember, I’ve thought her hands were beautiful. When I was a kid, I would look at her graceful fingers with their perfectly shaped nails and think to myself, “Those are perfect lady hands.” Unfortunately, I did not grow up to inherit her lovely hands. Her rings don’t even come close to fitting me as I was cursed with los chorizo fingers.

mystery look

mystery look 2

This is a look I did for myself a couple weeks ago. I don’t remember what shadows I used. My best, educated guess, is that this was done using the Urban Decay Naked 2 palette. My lips are brought to you by Mindless Lip Chewing. Mindless Lip Chewing: For when you want to look crusty and corroded. I’m sorry I don’t have the exact colors used for the eyes! I didn’t do this look for the site, so I wasn’t really paying attention. I thought I’d show you guys anyways though. Maybe someone needs some neutral look inspiration.

random blue hair

WAHHHHHH!!! I miss my blue hair. *CRYING CAT EMOJI* *CHICKEN LEG EMOJI*

Speaking of emojis, is there an emoji suggestion box somewhere? I need a cheese wedge emoji, a hot dog emoji, and a crossed fingers emoji. Also, some more brown emojis would be cool, too. Don’t make me have to pretend that bride emoji is actually a Mexican girl in a communion dress!!

goat

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU GUYS. LOOK AT THIS GOAT!!! GROSS, GOAT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT GUY?!?!?!?!

 

 

 

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Accessories, Floss Gloss, Hex Nail Jewelry, Nails, Personal

YONCE ON MY NECK

Serfbort

SERFBORT.

When I stay up too late, I get brilliant. When I get brilliant, I envision and order Beyonce themed necklaces from one of those custom name necklace websites. Less than two weeks later, BAM, my dream has come to fruition.

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I have some badazz Beyonce themed nail decals on the way, but until I get them, my “Diamond” charm from Hex Nail Jewelry makes for a good Bey referencing manicure (THIS DIAMOND. MY DIAMOND. THIS ROCK. MY ROC.).

I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

GAH! Once I get going on that, it’s pretty hard to stop.

I’m wearing Floss Gloss’ new color, for Spring 2014, “Lean,” and it’s just as gorgeous as I was hoping. This whole set up I have going on today is a BOSS one. You know when you got some good shit, and you feel all proud of yourself? That’s me right now. Also, in the sprit of “Drunk in Love” I totally have a hickey in that photo up thurr. I cropped it out. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Buy the “Diamond” charm from Hex Nail Jewelry HERE.

Buy “Lean” from Floss Gloss HERE.

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Floss Gloss, Nails

NEW Floss Gloss Resort 2014

Floss Gloss got a new color out this month, it’s a baaaaad mothafucker…

floss gloss lean

Lean, Floss Gloss, $8

I wish you guys could hear me when I’m referencing movies in my posts. It’d make my jokes better, I think. Just reread that first part in a “Day-Day pretending to be Baby D in Next Friday” voice.

This new electric purple polish from Floss Gloss, Lean, does look like a bad motherfucker though. Purple is my favorite color, so I am HERE FOR IT. I want it bad. Real bad. It looks like it wants me to kick winter in the teeth and welcome spring into my life. Which works for me because while the rest of the country is freezing its balls off, here in CA, it was 80 degrees last week! The trees are blooming, and we totally started fire season already. This sounds pretty ok, but it’s not. It’s bad! It’s kind of sad to see the trees all confused, and we’re in a terrible drought, so we’re pretty much under a statewide “Let it Mellow” order. So, yeah. While it’s not technically spring yet, it might as well be! BRING ON THE SPRING COLORS. HELLO TANK TOPS. Let me make the best of a bad situation. If this drought apocalypse goes down, I want this color on my nails to go with the shaved sides of my very butch, super cool new apocalypse haircut. Everybody gets cool new haircuts when everything falls apart. Like, right now, I don’t have my apocalypse hair because of society, but when society crumbles, it’s on. That’s probably when I adopt the eyepatch I always think about, too. An outfit for every occasion!

Obviously, I’d prefer to have this color now, while society still stands. I want to wear it to a party, not a motorcycle fight, or whatever. Right now, I’m broke, so I need us to hold it together until I can buy this polish for myself. Let it mellow, don’t wash your cars, turn the water off while you brush your teeth, whatever it takes! We can do this together!

Buy Lean by Floss Gloss HERE.

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Floss Gloss, Nails, ncLA

Santa Bunny: Nail It

Today’s gift guide is for all the nail junkies. Addicts with shoe boxes and bathroom drawers full of polish bottles, who are all strung out on the smell of acetone. Poor souls who can’t walk past a colorful display without taking just a tiny hit; just a little dab, just to see what it looks like on the nail….

Pro Nail Polish Wall Rack Display

nail rack

Amazon, $28

I got one of these for myself this year, and I love it. It’s on the wall, behind my desk, and I look at it every day. I literally stare at it every day. Seeing all my polish organized like that is extremely satisfying. This would be an AWESOME gift for anyone who loves and collects nail polish. Could you imagine how well this rack would go over? If I hadn’t bought this for myself, and someone else bought it for me as a gift, I would have lost my fucking mind. I would have unwrapped it and gone totally bananas. It’s the rare gift that is both fun and functional. Usually, I despise getting logical or functional gifts, but this rack is such a polish altar, it hardly registers as actually functional. Even though it is. Also, it’s a gift that says, “Hey. I validate your life choices, and I understand your needs. Here’s a place to store all those life choices.” More than a place to store your bottles, it’s almost art. All those colors and glitters up on the wall, man, it’s good. Just remember, if you give or get a rack like this, you probably shouldn’t hang it in the bathroom. The temperature fluctuations aren’t good for the polish. 

Floss Gloss Full Set Deux

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Floss Gloss, $96

It’s no secret that I’m a huge Floss Gloss fan. I think I’ve bought every new color they’ve introduced since I found them. I’ve also bought most of the collection that came along before I knew about them. Their formula is great, and their colors are TITS. I can not get enough. Every time I get a new delivery from them that has more than one color, I end up locked in indecision for days. How do you choose? I wish I had more hands!! I have toes, but they’re gross. I mean, I paint my toenails, but they don’t look as fly as my fingernails; they look like little colorful shrimps. Little, cold, ashy shrimps.

Anyways! This set is a great gift for the polish aficionado in your life. You don’t have to pick a color, they get a shitload of nail polish, it’s a win win for everyone! Plus, if they don’t already know about Floss Gloss, how cool does that make you look? Extra super cool. This ain’t OPI. This is that new new indie ish. Fabulous colors, cool packaging, and it’s thoughtful. It’s thoughtful because if you buy someone all this nail polish, that frees up their cash to buy more nail polish, probably.

If you don’t want to spend $96, or if you think your nail nerd will want some of the other colors not offered in this set, Floss Gloss also has gift cards.

floss gloss card

Floss Gloss, $10-$100

These gift cards are available in amounts from $10-$100. It comes with all the same perks as the full set, the recipient will love it, you look super cool, plus, it’s so much easier to wrap!

ncLA Nail Wraps

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ncLA, $16-$18

I was way over nail wraps until ncLA came along. Then, I saw their Melody Ehsani series of wraps, and I was, like, super horny for them. Horny sounds like the wrong word, but it’s the right word. Trust. The same tingles happen when a nail junkie sees something they need.

I bought a couple different wraps from that line, and they were DOPE. The printing on the wraps is crisp, their designs are crazy fashion forward and they last forever. This is what the Melody Ehsani “Umoja” wraps looked like on my fingers:

Umoja wrap

ART.

UGH. SO FLY. Doesn’t it just make you want to slap my face?! They look so good, I want to slap my own face. Each set comes with enough wraps to do a couple manicures. And I think you could probably use the wraps that don’t fit as extra mani embellishment. I’ve been thinking of cutting down the pieces that are too big, and using them over polish to create different designs.

They have tons of different prints. They just released some really amazing transparent wraps that look soooo freaking cool. The “Jagged Edge” and “Cut Up” designs, in particular, are calling to me.

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Jagged Edge

Several wrap styles are on sale, too. The blood spatter design, “Dracula’s Bride,” is a Halloween wrap, but I would wear it year round. These wraps would make awesome stocking stuffers, and if you sign up for ncLA’s email list, you’ll get 15% off your purchase. So, that’s good! You know I love a discount!

Grab some cool gifts for your polish lover. They’ll think you’re super intuitive and ultra rad. Maybe they’ll scratch your back! Maybe not though. I don’t know what your relationship boundaries are.

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