Aging, Personal, Skincare

Sarah now Clara

mom and sarah chis

CHI LYFESTYLE

A recent British survey says that most women “turn into” their mothers at 31. I saw this, and didn’t really think anything of it until, one morning recently, when I found myself sitting outside at an ungodly hour, drinking coffee, with a chihuahua stuffed inside my robe.

I texted her and demanded she answer for her brujeria. But, it was too late. I’ve already started saying movies are, “cute.” She just laughed at me anyways and told me she knew it would take one day.

And now I am Clara.

I wake everyone up by cheerfully singing, “Wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across your head,” but I don’t sing any of the other lyrics, I always feel like watching “Moonstruck,” I SLEEP NEXT TO A GUY WEARING A SLEEP APNEA MASK.

Not that “Moonstruck” isn’t great. Everyone in it is amazing.

moonstruck

Such a cute movie! 

Besides the snoring husband and the ability to coax tiny dogs into my clothes, I’m also getting my mom’s skin tags and hyperpigmentation spots. These delightful hereditary traits have also been triggered by the arrival of my 30s.

The skin tags are nothing new, I’ve always been prone to  a small smattering of tiny ones (gross), but now I feel like they’re trying to take over. My mom had to have hers lasered off! I don’t want that for myself, but I really don’t know how to stop it. I know all the tricks for removal, but I don’t know any tricks to keep them from happening.

The dark spots on my skin though, that I can do something about. I think. I usually feel really confident when I buy beauty products, but this branch of the skincare tree is all new to me. I’m feeling a little lost about how to go about finding the most effective anti-aging treatments. Where should I start? I get a bunch of beauty magazines, but I’ve seen “The Devil Wears Prada” on DVD on TV many a Saturday afternoon, I know how the advertising works. I really feel like I can never be sure if a magazine is telling me about a great product because it’s truly great, or if the magazine is telling me about a great product because Meryl says there needs to be more advertiser product. Same goes for beauty sites.

I don’t want to just buy the Clinique one because I think the egg is cute!

clinique egg

I’m not saying I won’t buy the Clinique one, it does have excellent reviews. I just want to be more informed about what exactly I need to be doing. It probably comes from my time as an esthetician, this need to draft a treatment plan. But where the fuck do I start? I think this problem requires more than just a Sephora sample. That’s good for cleansers, and masks, but these kinds of things need long term time to work.

Does anybody else know what I’m dealing with here? If you’re on an anti-aging regimen, how did you choose it? Have you turned into your mother? Does she like you more now? I bet mine does! It bears mentioning that my sisters became our mom at about the ages of 10 and birth, respectively. So with me, she’s probably like, “Finally! This asshole has become someone I can relate to!” And then we clink chihuahuas.

 

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Face, GlamGlow, Masks, Skincare

GlamGlow Tingling & Exfoliating Mud Mask Review

glamglowSephora, 0.5 oz., $19 & 1.7 oz. $69

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA?! Am I supposed to be impressed by that? All across the top there? Because I used to live right in Hollywood, and I know for a fact it smells like pee there. Pee and booby glitter. That’s what Hollywood smells like.

Now, there’s a real possibility they mean “HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.” That’s the one they show on TV with the sign, and the sun, and the palm trees, and the movie stars. That place exists, but it smells like pee too. There’s no way around it!

Anyways!!!

Since I brought GlamGlow home, I’ve been walking around singing “Just let your GlamGlow/just let it shine through/just let your GlaaaaaAAAAaaaamGlow, baby/feelin’ oh so silky smooth”

It still works, right? As the jingle for a face mask? I think so.

There has been a ton of hype around these masks, and I was eager to find out if it was true. I’ve tried a lot of masks in my day, so I’m hard to impress. I go into most mask experiences not expecting too much. Although most of the GlamGlow reviews are positive, I did see a few that accused all the positive reviewers of being sheep who weren’t willing to admit that GlamGlow sucks. That seemed a little harsh to me. It’s cool if you don’t like the product, but don’t be a dick about it, right? I’m all for integrity in the beauty review game, but damn. Take it down a notch there, you big rebel.

I promise you I went into this more than ready to pan GlamGlow if I felt it was necessary.

Well, baaa baaa motherfuckers. I guess I’m just one more mindless sheep, because I really liked this mask a lot.

It looks and feels like most mud masks do, thick, cool and heavy. First, you stir it up to liquify it a little, then, you smooth it onto your face. I did struggle a little with the bits of  green tea leaves that were in the mask, because some of the bigger chunks were hard to stick down. I got it all plastered on though, so it wasn’t really a problem in the end. Other than that, it went on just like any other mud mask.

Then, the tingling started. It really walked the line between “tingling” and “burning.” But, right as I was like, “Ummm,” it calmed down, and didn’t bother me anymore.

After 10 minutes, the mask had dried very hard, and it was time to wash it off.

This particular GlamGlow mask has volcanic pumice in it, so when you rinse, it gets gritty, and you’re supposed to remove the mask in circular motions to exfoliate. I thought it was interesting that the “exfoliating” aspect was a good old mechanical exfoliant (washcloth, sugars, beads, etc.) as opposed to a chemical exfoliant, like an acid or an enzyme. I don’t know. It’s minimal work, but it seems like too much work for something that’s supposed to be a miracle product. Not that I think the pumice is bad, I don’t. It was just surprising because I think people want products to do all the work for them. And sometimes, you have to use your fingers, and exfoliate your cheeks your damn self. You’ll appreciate it more!

In the end, I was very happy with the results. I even said, “WOW!” to myself in the mirror. The French clay sucked out impurities and toxins, clearing up some dirty nose pores and deflating some questionable looking bumps, while the pumice sloughed away dullness and built up dead skin cells. I don’t know what the tea leaves did. Looked fancy? Got stuck in my drain? Yes and yes.

Here’s the thing. Right now, I’m pretty happy with my skin. I’m able to wear minimal makeup, and everything is very clear and smooth. I didn’t think I’d see much of a difference, but I was very wrong. My skin looked a lot more even, and it really was, well, radiant. It was even better the next morning! The first thing I did when I woke up was touch my own cheek. The second thing I did when I woke up, was wake Jason up and make him touch my cheek. We both agreed that my skin was extremely soft. We were like, “What is that, velvet?!?” Then, we both agreed that I was extremely beautiful and that I would never get old, and that I would always have skin like this. After that, we agreed on Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast.

Ultimately, I recommend this product. If you have very sensitive skin, be wary of the tingling, and exfoliating. Either one of those elements in an unknown product can really irritate your tender little baby face, and GlamGlow Tingling & Exfoliating has both, one right after the other. Smear with caution.

If the price tag is a sticking point, go to Sephora and get a sample. Try it out a couple times, do the math, see if this mask at home vs. spa facials is worth it for you. They say you can use it twice a week, or as often as you like, but I would only go with once a week. Once a week is plenty for a mask this intensive. Especially if you keep on top of your skincare.

A lot of companies encourage overuse to get you to use more product than you need, so you run out faster and have to buy more. (HELLO, TOOTHPASTE COMPANIES! NOBODY NEEDS THAT MUCH TOOTHPASTE. And rinse and repeat with shampoo? Come on. That’s shameless.) I’m really, really not saying GlamGlow is doing this, I’m just saying start small.

Now, you can be all the things you always wanted to be…beautiful…sexy…

Sexual Chocolate, take us out!

P.S. I feel like all these 80’s Eddie Murphy movies/beauty review posts are very telling about who I am, as a woman. And a lover.

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Links, Skincare, Sun Care

Sunscreen vs. Sunscreen

This little post at Refinery29 is a great breakdown that should be helpful in choosing the right sunscreen for you. Sunscreen is important on our faces AND chest areas to keep them young and smooooove. I’m especially lookin’ at you, white ladies. There’s a reason black don’t crack and brown don’t break down: Melanin.

Melanin and sunscreen are the biggest reasons why at 31, people think I’m 22. Swear to you, all through my 20s, people thought I was 17-19. Sometimes, it sucks, but it won’t suck when I’m 50 and I look 30. Like my mom, anytime she’s ever shown up to anywhere I’ve worked, the different receptionist ladies would call back and be all, “Sarah, your sister is here,” and then I’d go to the front, and it would be my mom. Which is a totally nice surprise, right?! An unexpected mom hug in the middle of the day is a morale boost. I mean, no disrespect, but my abuelita is an old lady. That’s normal, she’s a grandma! But, she has the smoothest fucking cheeks! Sometimes, I just touch them out of nowhere because they look like cafe au lait colored velvet and my fingers itch for them. Don’t worry, she’s cool about it. We’re basically, like, awesome great homegirls.

sarah and nana thanksgiving 2012

TAKIN’ SELFIES WIT MY NANA

Look at this lady! She’s barely got any wrinkles! She looks FANFREAKINGTASTIC. We took this picture at Thanksgiving, she was just telling me how it was fine that the bathroom in my room was a mess because she’s cool about these things. Even though I know she totally isn’t. She’s cool about it for me because SHE LOVES ME AND I CAN DO WHATEVER. My mom is always in awe of the things I can do and say in front of Nana without getting in trouble, because she can’t. I tell her her big mistake was ever NOT swearing, if you just always swear, Nana doesn’t care. Her second big mistake was being born Nana’s daughter and not her granddaughter.

What theee shit were we talking about again? OH YEAH SUNSCREEN!

Whoa! I did not plan for all that. I literally had nothing after “Melanin.” But, now you’ve seen a picture of my Nana!

Check out that link at the top to get help in figuring out what kind of sunscreen would best suit your skin’s needs. Then, one day, your grandchild will write a post, littered with swear words, all about how great your skin looks. The circle of life, people! It’s nature!

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Personal, Skincare

Brown Bunny

Like that boring porno movie.

And also like, all of a sudden, I want to tan!

It’s so unusual, and SO BAD. What am I doing? I’ve basically spent the last 20 years under an impenetrable layer of sunblock, and now I’m sprawling out, liberally oiled, under an afternoon sun.

It’s so weird.

I just want caramel thighs and cocoa bunz, maybe some sun-kissed shoulders. Doesn’t that all sound so sexual? And sort of delicious?

How did I go from being so pale I was literally sort of blue, to wanting to be a bronzed sun goddess? Not very goth, SARAH.

magda

Looking good!

I won’t fake tan because of laziness, and because I’m not sure they make a Tan Towel big enough to tan my ass. Tan Beach Towel maybe? **Note to self: TAN BEACH TOWEL? COULD BE BIG $$$?**  Plus, fake tanning doesn’t feel half as awesome as real tanning. Blanket, grass, chi, music, sunshine, NAPS?! All better than slipping a disc trying to tan the backs of my knees with can tan. Basically, the only thing fake tanning has on real tanning is, I don’t have to watch for neighbors booty peepin’ over the fence.

wilson

This guy knows what I’m talkin’ about.

So what then? Am I doomed to resign myself to a life of fish belly thighs, or do I get under that sun and keep an eye on my moles? Am I wrong and is Jason right about exactly what kind of Vitamin D deficiency I might have?

We all know it’s completely stupid to be out in the sun like that, but how do you fight the lure of that warm blanket? Why do otherwise sane people say “fuck it” to the dangers of tanning? I was just going to say I don’t want my moles to grow from the sun and take over my whole body, but then, I guess I’d at least be uniformly brown.

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