I am a lotion serial killer. I stalk my prey up and down the aisles at Target, and the shelves at Sephora. Searching, searching, always searching for the perfect one; the perfect victim to fulfill my insatiable need for impossibly silky, glowing skin. My house is where bottles of lotion go to die.

Well, not die exactly. More like, my house is where lotions go to get used for a week, before languishing in a cabinet for years, until I finally break down and throw them away. It’s cruel, really. Off the top of my head, I can think of 8 lotions or body oils shoved into various places around the house. I’m always trying to pawn old lotions off on Jason with a wink, but he doesn’t want them either. Some people are so wasteful!

That was all in my former life though…..

THANK THE LAWD, I HAVE BEEN REHABILITATED.

From the Trader Joe’s site:

“This is a thick, smooth, buttery, body cream that’s made with pure coconut oil and other natural, skin-soothing ingredients, like aloe vera, shea butter and vitamin E. It absorbs into your skin very quickly, and doesn’t leave it feeling oily. So whether you have eczema, dry skin or just like to keep your skin feeling soft and fresh, our Coconut Body Butter is healing, gentle, and restorative.”

I always read stuff like this, fall in love with the sound of it, imagine all the ways my life will be different, run out and buy the product, then get super disappointed, never return it, aaaand the cycle starts all over again. That is not this. This right hurr is completely true copy. Not only does it completely deliver on all those promises, it smells amazing! I hate fake, overly sweet fragrances, but this lotion hits the perfect spot on the vanilla spectrum. Like, it smells like how creamy, homemade coconut pudding eaten on a beach in the Bahamas would taste. I guess? PLUS, it only costs FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS! I’m working on my third jar right now!

Full disclosure: I *did* have a relapse after I finished the first jar. I had a quick obsession with almond oil, that ultimately turned disastrous. I’d oil up after my shower, toss around like a greasy lint roller in our bed all night, and wake up with everyone’s detritus stuck to my skin. Chihuahua hair, my hair, Jason’s beard hairs, pubes maybe (we sleep “European”), random crud!! FUCKING GROSSS, RIGHT? YES, TOTALLY SICK! It was making me break out! The almond oil was just not a good fit for our super sheddy lifestyle. Plus, I took a look at the ingredients one day, and the first one was peanut oil! Pass.

Why was I still looking for another lotion? “Oh, this lotion makes my skin totally soft, even on the nights I’m too lazy to put it on before bed, all my chronically dry patches are clearing up, it’s basically my perfect product. It’s probably what Rihanna smells like. But, that’s ok! I’ll try something else!” What is wrong with me?! I have a condition!

So, back to the Trader Joe’s I went!

• truffle cheese
• crazy beers
• generic Pirate’s Booty
• coconut lotion

Now, all is right with my lotion world again. As long as Trader Joe’s keeps making this body butter, I’ll keep buying it.

Shit. It has just occurred to me that Trader Joe’s has a long history of discontinuing products as soon as I’ve fallen in love with them. This could be a big problem. I have to stock up fast! I’m going to corner the market on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter Duke bros. style!

That’s how the stock market works, right? I can force them to keep making it? Something, something, supply and demand?

Hopefully, this lotion and I will be together for a very long time. It really is making my thigh bumps life better!

Looking good, me!

Feeling good, me!