What kind of weak idiot hurts themselves beauty blogging from their kitchen table? Me. Me kind of weak idiot. At least when I worked in an office, if I complained about my back bothering me, someone brought me a lumbar pillow. If your back is sore at home, all you’re gonna get is someone offering to massage it out with their boner. I miss the days of ergonomically correct chairs.

I’m going to take this up with OSHA. This boner thing has got to be some kind of workplace safety violation. I need some safety goggles, AT LEAST.

PED EGG, MOTHERFUCKERS

Amazon, $9.75

I have gross feet, remember? They’re cute under all that dead skin tho.

I love my Ped Egg so much. I wouldn’t even have looked at that weird foot peel except for that I’m SO LAZY. I really think I’m obsessed with beauty products because I’m secretly hoping to find one that will solve all my issues, and I won’t have to work for it, and all my problems will go away. That’s so terrible, right? Like, actually, deep in my heart, I think somewhere at the mall is a lipstick that will make everyone not see how big my thighs are, and all of a sudden my car will be paid off. Keep in mind, my mall has both kinds of Sephoras and an attached Target. So….the odds are pretty good I’ll find that lipstick.

Anyways. Back to the Ped Egg at hand.

I need some serious hardware to get my heels in order, and the Ped Egg is basically a cheese grater for your feet. That’s gross, but that’s the truth. That’s what’s to love about it, it gets the job done quickly and throughly. I keep the detached flat piece in my shower, and when I can be bothered to do it, I’ll give my feet a quick scrub while I’m in there. I have a hard time getting the callus catcher part off the bottom, so I just don’t put it on. The water is running anyways, so it doesn’t matter.

Ped Egg doesn’t solve all my problems, just the problem I have of being driven insane by my heels scratching the sheets at night.

Cetaphil Daily Facial Moisturizer with SPF 15

Target, $11.39

This is my day to day moisturizer. Like most Cetaphil products, it’s pretty simple and effective. I use it under my makeup, I put it on before bed some nights, I put it on Jason if he’s looking real dry. There isn’t really much to say about it other than that it’s an all around nice product at a really great price. Remember, don’t use moisturizers that contain an SPF if you’re going to have flash photographs taken. Your face will show up white and you’ll look like a freaking amateur. UNACCEPTABLE.

Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil

Anywhere, like, $7? I don’t know, however much foil costs where you shop.

This one seems like a cop out. But, there’s a practical application here! You know how glitter polishes are a pain in the ass to remove, and you just end up with piles of shredded cotton and random stuck on pieces of glitter? And you also know how on Pinterest, sometimes the foil removal method will bubble up? Well, on Sunday, we were watching, “2001: A Space Odyssey,” and I was trying to pay attention and not trying to spend the whole time scrubbing glitter off my nails. So, it seemed like the perfect time to try out that foil method.

I’m sure you’ve all seen it, but in case you haven’t, you stick polish remover soaked cotton balls to your nail, and then wrap each fingertip in foil. The foil keeps the cotton and remover nice and tight up against the glitter polish. After about 5 minutes, remove the foil and cotton by giving a little wipe while you pull it off your finger, et voila! All the polish is gone!

It’s such a nice surprise when something from the internet actually works. Up until last week, I’d pretty much given up on glitter fingers because I couldn’t stand the removal process. I’m back on the horse now, baby!

Oh. Unless you have a handsome assistant to tear foil for you while you soak cotton in remover, you should tear all your foil before you start. The more fingers you wrap up, the more difficult it is to maneuver.

Goody Ribbon Elastics

Target, $3.99

My hair is made of Idle Hands and tentacles, so I usually pull it up. Because of that, I’m having a lucky moment right now that fashion and laziness have aligned, and buns are popular. As a bun sexpert, I’m pretty loyal to my thick, black rubber bands, and claws.

OH. You know what’s cool? When you’re really cleaning your house, and you find a lost claw behind the couch or something. I’m like, “Aww sweet! Bonus claw!” and then I clip it to my shirt for safekeeping. They’re easy to lose, so I hardly ever have to buy them! If I get low, one will turn up somewhere.

OK. I don’t have to tell you how good claws are. You’re a person on the earth, you know how good claws are.

I gave these ribbon elastics a try, and I liked them enough to add them into the rotation. It feels like they hold my hair with less tension, so there isn’t as much pressure where my hair is gathered. I’m really into that. They’re creaseless too, so I can pull my hair up or down as I want. I try to go to bed with my hair loose, but on the nights it’s being especially annoying, I pull it up with these ribbon elastics instead of rubber bands. They’re a lot more comfortable to sleep in, and I don’t get choked out by my own hair in the night.

What’s good at Target for you right now? Is there anything I should know about? Do I need paper towels? Give me an excuse to go to Target!