And then I sing, “SICK GIRL! NAHH NAHH NAHH NAHH SICK GIRL SHE’S A SICK GIRL WE’RE ALL SICK GIRLS!”

Because you can’t run from your past, you guys. And sometimes your past includes Social Distortion, and that’s OK. Plus, I’ve been sick, and on sizzurp, so I make a lot of funny jokes.

I’m finally on the actual road to recovery now. My voice still sounds sexy-froggier than usual, but that’s fun, so it can stay. It’s been really helpful in my Zooey impressions. I fucking kill at that cotton commercial song.

This is me stalling around because I don’t have anything right now!

The only product I’ve tested this week was a new toothbrush. I had to throw my old toothbrush away because it had been in my mouth, of all places.

Like, I finally emerged from my blankets after a week, and the whole operation has fallen apart! My hair is a mess, my legs are hairy, my mustache is twirlable, I haven’t even been able to bring myself to make full eye contact with my eyebrows. Even my glasses are really dirty?!

I feel like I’ve hit beauty rock bottom. I’m starting from scratch here. Dudes don’t understand how much work it takes to maintain all this stuff. I mean, really, one week of disregard for my appearance, and the whole racket goes feral. Where do I start? Probably with my legs, right? Get my razor all good and clogged. Thanks to my black soap, the only thing still working right is my skin. Which is super unusual, since usually when I get sick, I break out pretty bad. And why not? Days of sweating, and rolling my dirty head around my pillow equals chin zits. I usually get crazy dry patches around my mouth and nose from Kleenex and stuff too, and that’s not a problem either. That’s the worst part, right? Not only were you sick, but now you feel like you have to tell people, “It’s not mocos! It’s just dry skin!”

I’m still steering clear of my lipsticks and anything else I could cross contaminate for the next couple days. I can show you guys some cool polish. I’ll be doing that soon.

But, how about this?! If you guys have any questions or need any beauty advice, LIFE ADVICE, send your queries my way! I’ll even keep you anonymous if you want. Leave comments, use the contact form, sext me, come to me in a dream, however you want to do it! I’ll start answering questions here on the site.