My dream skin would be described as, “velvety.” People would compare my cheeks to rose petals, and dairy products (cream, etc.). Now, I’m not gonna front, I have nice skin. But, that only makes it more obvious when things go wrong.

I’d been pretty happy with my Fresh Soy Cleanser, but then it got to be 108 degrees. After that, things went downhill pretty fast. Between my Cymbalta and the heat, I’ve been a pretty disgusting pile of sweat. Like, I saw Craig Robinson on tv talking about how he always keeps a towel on him because he sweats so much, and I actually thought to myself that it didn’t sound like a bad idea.

A sweat towel.

Seemed like a good idea.

That’s gross.

I started breaking out from the sweat and the heat, and then, to make matters worse, I started ignoring my #1 skincare rule: DON’T PICK AT IT. I would be sitting on the couch in the evenings, poking my zits with my bacteria tipped nails and trying to squeeze them without even looking in a mirror. Obviously, they got worse. I had one zit that was so stubborn and angry, I had begun to take steps towards accepting that I might have this zit for the rest of my life. Only in death would I be free….

I’d seen African black soap mentioned here and there, and I’d been curious if the praises about it were true. So, when I ran across Nubian Heritage’s bar of black soap at the health food store, it seemed serendipitous.

Drugstore.com, $3.59!!!

“Nubian Heritage’s authentic African Black Soap combines shea butter’s healing and hydrating properties with the ancient medicinal properties of palm ash, plantain peel, tar and tamarind to balance and resolve problem skin. Our deep cleansing formula aids exfoliation and promotes new cell growth to reveal radiant, fresh, even and healthy skin.”

This stuff is the real deal, you guys. It lathers up thick and luxurious, and it feels soothing and moisturizing on your skin. I’m not even talking about after you rinse it off, I’m talking about while you’re washing your face. It feels good, and it smells wonderful. The box is sitting here on the table next to me, and I keep picking it up to sniff it. After you rinse it off, your skin will be cleeeeeean. At first, I was worried, because my skin felt “squeaky” clean, which is bad; cleansers that leave your face feeling like that are most likely stripping oil out of your skin. But, after I dried off, and felt my skin again, it was SO SOFT. So soft, and so fresh and so clean.

After the first use, my everlasting pimple aka conjoined forehead twin, was nearly gone, and the other little ones I’d been picking at, just flaked off and disappeared. I have this bright red blemish in the soft, tender area right below one of my eyes, it’s been there forever. I didn’t even think it was a zit, I just thought it was a red mole or something. After a week of using this soap, it has shrunk a lot and it isn’t near as red. My dry patches don’t exist at all, my pores on my nose are clean, and my zits have been kept at bay, even as the heat has gotten worse.

I wanted to get the most accurate read on this soap that I could, so I’ve been using it for a week without any other products. No other cleansers, no other moisturizers, I didn’t even use any of my exfoliating tools. It even removed a full face of makeup, mascara included, without leaving behind any trace of color at all. Now, I feel idiotic because this soap is so cheap, it works amazingly well, and I’ve been chasing after expensive products all these years. I’m into it though! It’s so much chicer to be able to be able to nonchalantly say your skincare products are under the radar and/or cheap. Right? Like, “Oh, my beautiful skin? It’s just this really cool black bar of soap that’s made from ancient ingredients. Cleopatra probably used something like it. It costs $3.”

I am extremely confident that this soap will lead me to the heights of high priestess of the velvet-cheeked promised land. I hope the rest of you join me! I can tell you right now I won’t be gracious about my new station in life.

I’ll probably start alternating my new soap with my Fresh cleanser, but I like this soap way better. It’s like the saying, goes, “Once you go black, you’ll never go back!”