If this all sounds less cohesive than usual, it’s because I’m on the PMS/stress eating special, and that includes wine and drugs and cookies and In N Out cheeseburgers, so, WHEEEEE!!!

MOMMY NEEDS HER MEDICINE.

Look at me!! I’m Hemingway!! Blah, blah, bullfights, blah, blah cats, blah blah Key West, blah blah blah big sweaters, blah blah blah blah I’m drunk and everyone loves me!

Anyways, I was just reading something on another site, and the author of the article casually mentioned her shower routine. It went like this: rinse, shampoo, wash face, wash body, conditioner. I don’t want to write one of those “the way you do this totally normal thing is wrong” pieces, but that’s wrong. I’m sorry. It’s wrong.

I was shocked by it, actually! It’s one of those things that I assume everyone knows.

Maybe I just have too much time on my hands, so I spend too much time thinking about dumb shit, but there’s a reason that shower order is wrong.

Conditioner.

Conditioner, your face bumps and YOU!

You guys see how this is wrong, right? Conditioner is creamy grease for your hair. If you’re washing your face prior to conditioning your hair, you’re just re-greasing your face. You’re greasing your face in a steamy, wet, warm room, so your skin is good and receptive to all those extra deep conditioners, oils, cremes, whatever.

You really should be washing and conditioning your hair prior to washing your face or your body. That way, all your polluted hair soap, and conditioner runoff will be cascading down your dirty, dirty bodies, instead of your already clean bodies and faces. So, like, my routine goes: get everything wet, wash and condition my hair, wash my body, detail my butt, THEN I wash my face. Last.

It’s a really small change that can make a big difference; especially if you have persistent bumps around your hairline, jaw and chin.

Ok. That’s it. I’m going to schedule this to go up in the morning and go back to my wine, drugs and cookies. You can’t have any wine until you finish all your drug cookies!

Meown.