It’s a good thing I’ve been in sexy self-portrait training for so many years. All my hard work, honing my craft since the early days of the internet, is finally paying off!
I mentioned Revlon’s “Peach Parfait” Lip Butter before, and when I used it the other day, I thought I would show you what I was talking about. It’s a good “My mouth just looks this sexy!” lip color.
What kind of weak idiot hurts themselves beauty blogging from their kitchen table? Me. Me kind of weak idiot. At least when I worked in an office, if I complained about my back bothering me, someone brought me a lumbar pillow. If your back is sore at home, all you’re gonna get is someone offering to massage it out with their boner. I miss the days of ergonomically correct chairs.
I’m going to take this up with OSHA. This boner thing has got to be some kind of workplace safety violation. I need some safety goggles, AT LEAST.
PED EGG, MOTHERFUCKERS
I have gross feet, remember? They’re cute under all that dead skin tho.
I love my Ped Egg so much. I wouldn’t even have looked at that weird foot peel except for that I’m SO LAZY. I really think I’m obsessed with beauty products because I’m secretly hoping to find one that will solve all my issues, and I won’t have to work for it, and all my problems will go away. That’s so terrible, right? Like, actually, deep in my heart, I think somewhere at the mall is a lipstick that will make everyone not see how big my thighs are, and all of a sudden my car will be paid off. Keep in mind, my mall has both kinds of Sephoras and an attached Target. So….the odds are pretty good I’ll find that lipstick.
Anyways. Back to the Ped Egg at hand.
I need some serious hardware to get my heels in order, and the Ped Egg is basically a cheese grater for your feet. That’s gross, but that’s the truth. That’s what’s to love about it, it gets the job done quickly and throughly. I keep the detached flat piece in my shower, and when I can be bothered to do it, I’ll give my feet a quick scrub while I’m in there. I have a hard time getting the callus catcher part off the bottom, so I just don’t put it on. The water is running anyways, so it doesn’t matter.
Ped Egg doesn’t solve all my problems, just the problem I have of being driven insane by my heels scratching the sheets at night.
Cetaphil Daily Facial Moisturizer with SPF 15
This is my day to day moisturizer. Like most Cetaphil products, it’s pretty simple and effective. I use it under my makeup, I put it on before bed some nights, I put it on Jason if he’s looking real dry. There isn’t really much to say about it other than that it’s an all around nice product at a really great price. Remember, don’t use moisturizers that contain an SPF if you’re going to have flash photographs taken. Your face will show up white and you’ll look like a freaking amateur. UNACCEPTABLE.
Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Anywhere, like, $7? I don’t know, however much foil costs where you shop.
This one seems like a cop out. But, there’s a practical application here! You know how glitter polishes are a pain in the ass to remove, and you just end up with piles of shredded cotton and random stuck on pieces of glitter? And you also know how on Pinterest, sometimes the foil removal method will bubble up? Well, on Sunday, we were watching, “2001: A Space Odyssey,” and I was trying to pay attention and not trying to spend the whole time scrubbing glitter off my nails. So, it seemed like the perfect time to try out that foil method.
I’m sure you’ve all seen it, but in case you haven’t, you stick polish remover soaked cotton balls to your nail, and then wrap each fingertip in foil. The foil keeps the cotton and remover nice and tight up against the glitter polish. After about 5 minutes, remove the foil and cotton by giving a little wipe while you pull it off your finger, et voila! All the polish is gone!
It’s such a nice surprise when something from the internet actually works. Up until last week, I’d pretty much given up on glitter fingers because I couldn’t stand the removal process. I’m back on the horse now, baby!
Oh. Unless you have a handsome assistant to tear foil for you while you soak cotton in remover, you should tear all your foil before you start. The more fingers you wrap up, the more difficult it is to maneuver.
Goody Ribbon Elastics
Target, $3.99
My hair is made of Idle Hands and tentacles, so I usually pull it up. Because of that, I’m having a lucky moment right now that fashion and laziness have aligned, and buns are popular. As a bun sexpert, I’m pretty loyal to my thick, black rubber bands, and claws.
OH. You know what’s cool? When you’re really cleaning your house, and you find a lost claw behind the couch or something. I’m like, “Aww sweet! Bonus claw!” and then I clip it to my shirt for safekeeping. They’re easy to lose, so I hardly ever have to buy them! If I get low, one will turn up somewhere.
OK. I don’t have to tell you how good claws are. You’re a person on the earth, you know how good claws are.
I gave these ribbon elastics a try, and I liked them enough to add them into the rotation. It feels like they hold my hair with less tension, so there isn’t as much pressure where my hair is gathered. I’m really into that. They’re creaseless too, so I can pull my hair up or down as I want. I try to go to bed with my hair loose, but on the nights it’s being especially annoying, I pull it up with these ribbon elastics instead of rubber bands. They’re a lot more comfortable to sleep in, and I don’t get choked out by my own hair in the night.
What’s good at Target for you right now? Is there anything I should know about? Do I need paper towels? Give me an excuse to go to Target!
The drugstore is the first place we all started experimenting with crazy beauty, right? If you were like me, you were young, you only had birthday money, and you were obsessed with Long’s Drugstore. They had all the best shit! Tons of face glitter and lots of cheap nail polish to shoplift.
Nail polish and toe rings….
Now that I’m too old to get busted for shoplifting without it being totally humiliating, and I have a debit card, I still like to peruse the drugstore for cheap beauty products. Scoring a good deal on a quality product is fucking intoxicating. I like to buy a bunch of stuff, show it all to Jason, and then gloat about how, “If you think about it, I’m really making us money by buying all this cheap product!” He says that’s not how it works, I say he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
So, today I’m introducing you guys to some of my very favorite discount beauty buys. These are all products that I’ve extensively tested and re-bought. They’re all good, they’re all cheap, and they’re all super easy to find at Target, Ulta, the grocery store, and online.
Pick up your Cipro and some lip gloss all at once! Let’s do it!
Queen Helene Mint Julep Masque
Don’t let the dated packaging and low price fool you, this mask is the real deal. Like, old school, thick and bright green. It’s straight up Mrs. Doubtfire status.
HELLOOOO!
Haha! I love it! Mrs. Doubtfire, you are SO CRAZY!
Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque has a clay like consistency, which is why it hardens as it dries. This part can hurt a little. I don’t know, maybe it’s pulling on the hypothetical peach fuzz I definitely do not have on my chin. After 15 games of Bejeweled, rinse it off, and rewash your face with your cleanser. You should see brighter and clearer looking skin. It definitely helps with blackheads and drying up zits. The site claims it “shrinks enlarged pores,” but that’s bullshit because that’s impossible.
In fact, let’s clear this up right now:
ANY BEAUTY PRODUCT THAT CLAIMS TO “SHRINK” YOUR PORES IS LYING TO YOU. YOUR PORES ARE THE SIZE THEY ARE AND THERE ISN’T ANYTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
All beauty products can do is decrease the appearance of your pores by cleaning them out. I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. But, hey, if you’re in the market for a mask that will decrease the appearance of your pores, this one will do it. The mint can sting a little, so if you have extremely sensitive skin, tread carefully. I’ve been using this mask for years, and I buy it over more expensive masks all the time.
ETA: A friend left a comment about her experience with the mask, “When I was younger than 20, it was fine. Now that my skin is aging, it is asking for trouble. It dries me out way too much, it burns like hell, and leaves me with a thin, frail, red mess.”
So, fair warning for all you tender faced readers! You could maybe still use it in spots; if my cheeks are feeling really dry, I’ll only put it on my nose and forehead. But, if you have qualms, spot test first.
Revlon ColorBurst Lip Butter
I’m a sucker for products that have the word “butter” in the name. I’m drawn right to it! I don’t know what that says about me other than the obvious; I’m hungry and susceptible.
Revlon’s Lip Butters go on so smoothly. Even the colors with shimmer in them don’t really drag or get caught up if your lips aren’t in great condition. Which is good for me because, as I’ve stated earlier, I gnaw on my poor mouth. The color payoff is good, with finishes ranging from sheer to dark. They have a balm like consistency, but they don’t seem particularly moisturizing. If that’s a concern for you, you can apply them over whatever lip moisturizer you use. They’re great for summer because they’re light, they aren’t sticky, and they don’t travel all over your face.
“Peach Parfait” is my oh-shit-I-don’t-have-lipstick-on emergency kit. It’s a fantastic nude that’s always in my purse, and it looks great with almost any eye makeup I might be wearing. I loved that first color so much, I bought two more, “Cupcake” and “Tutti Frutti.”
I was just embarrassed for myself typing out, “Tutti Frutti.” That sounds like a grandma lipstick.
These Lip Butters are such a great deal. The quality is great and the price is awesome. You can even find them on sale all the time! BONUS!
Yes to Blueberries Facial Towelettes
Look. I hate washing my face as much as everybody else. I especially hate it when it’s after 2:00 AM, and I’m, um, three sheets to an ill wind.
So many vodka tonics
+
washing my makeup off over the sink
=
“FUCKITI’LLJUSTGETZITSIDON’TCARESOMEBODYTAKEMETODELTACO!!!!”
Followed by all the things on the bathroom counter being knocked over. I’m great at holding it together at the bars, but the second I get into the car with Jason, I go crazy! I’m like Roger Rabbit when you give him liquor; all broken windows and steam coming out of my ears.
OK, I’ve never broken any windows. But, I did once flood my mom’s front room because I passed out in the shower with my leg over the drain.
If I’d had these facial towelettes then, I never would have gotten into the shower that fateful morning! I would have just wiped my face, and gone to bed. Then, the whole 80s movie montage that went down when I woke up and had to frantically clean up all the water because MY PARENTS WERE COMING HOME EARLY never would have happened.
It sounds like I was 17 when this happened, but I was 23. Oops!
Well, I didn’t quite learn my lesson, I still drunkenly climb into bathtubs and showers. But, it happens a lot less often. For real, the ability to be able to just wipe off my makeup at the end of the night is such a relief.
These towelettes are perfect for taking off face makeup, and eye shadows, but they’re not great for effectively removing all of your eye liner and mascara. It can be done, it just takes a little more work. I don’t really care about that for this product because I’m not using it as my primary cleanser. Besides, who doesn’t like a little sexy, smudged party eye?
I like to wipe my face with them, then rinse out the cloth and give my skin one more pass. That way, I can pick up any extra cleanser or makeup that’s left behind. They clean your skin, and they moisturize too. So, if you’re drunk or just lazy you’re all set!
Put these products on your Target lists. Don’t shoplift them!
Shoplifting is for 13 year olds with attitude problems. And Winona Ryder.
Are you a 13 year old or Winona Ryder?
No. You’re not.
Shoplifting and teenage suicide, DON’T DO IT.
I am a lotion serial killer. I stalk my prey up and down the aisles at Target, and the shelves at Sephora. Searching, searching, always searching for the perfect one; the perfect victim to fulfill my insatiable need for impossibly silky, glowing skin. My house is where bottles of lotion go to die.
Well, not die exactly. More like, my house is where lotions go to get used for a week, before languishing in a cabinet for years, until I finally break down and throw them away. It’s cruel, really. Off the top of my head, I can think of 8 lotions or body oils shoved into various places around the house. I’m always trying to pawn old lotions off on Jason with a wink, but he doesn’t want them either. Some people are so wasteful!
That was all in my former life though…..
THANK THE LAWD, I HAVE BEEN REHABILITATED.
From the Trader Joe’s site:
“This is a thick, smooth, buttery, body cream that’s made with pure coconut oil and other natural, skin-soothing ingredients, like aloe vera, shea butter and vitamin E. It absorbs into your skin very quickly, and doesn’t leave it feeling oily. So whether you have eczema, dry skin or just like to keep your skin feeling soft and fresh, our Coconut Body Butter is healing, gentle, and restorative.”
I always read stuff like this, fall in love with the sound of it, imagine all the ways my life will be different, run out and buy the product, then get super disappointed, never return it, aaaand the cycle starts all over again. That is not this. This right hurr is completely true copy. Not only does it completely deliver on all those promises, it smells amazing! I hate fake, overly sweet fragrances, but this lotion hits the perfect spot on the vanilla spectrum. Like, it smells like how creamy, homemade coconut pudding eaten on a beach in the Bahamas would taste. I guess? PLUS, it only costs FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS! I’m working on my third jar right now!
Full disclosure: I *did* have a relapse after I finished the first jar. I had a quick obsession with almond oil, that ultimately turned disastrous. I’d oil up after my shower, toss around like a greasy lint roller in our bed all night, and wake up with everyone’s detritus stuck to my skin. Chihuahua hair, my hair, Jason’s beard hairs, pubes maybe (we sleep “European”), random crud!! FUCKING GROSSS, RIGHT? YES, TOTALLY SICK! It was making me break out! The almond oil was just not a good fit for our super sheddy lifestyle. Plus, I took a look at the ingredients one day, and the first one was peanut oil! Pass.
Why was I still looking for another lotion? “Oh, this lotion makes my skin totally soft, even on the nights I’m too lazy to put it on before bed, all my chronically dry patches are clearing up, it’s basically my perfect product. It’s probably what Rihanna smells like. But, that’s ok! I’ll try something else!” What is wrong with me?! I have a condition!
So, back to the Trader Joe’s I went!
Now, all is right with my lotion world again. As long as Trader Joe’s keeps making this body butter, I’ll keep buying it.
Shit. It has just occurred to me that Trader Joe’s has a long history of discontinuing products as soon as I’ve fallen in love with them. This could be a big problem. I have to stock up fast! I’m going to corner the market on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter Duke bros. style!
That’s how the stock market works, right? I can force them to keep making it? Something, something, supply and demand?
Hopefully, this lotion and I will be together for a very long time. It really is making my thigh bumps life better!
Looking good, me!
Feeling good, me!
Good skin has always come pretty easy for me. Fat ass? Yes. Ugly armpits? The struggle. Do my nail beds suck? I guess. But, the good skin was there, so I was lucky.
Lucky until the year of my 30th birthday.
All of a sudden, my face flipped on me. I had big, gross, scaly dry patches on my cheeks, a pimply forehead and overall dull skin. It looked terrible. I was a monster. I ran through tons of different skincare lines trying to clear up my garbage face before finally caving and buying a Clarisonic. The Clarisonic was an expensive dream come true! It worked so well, I really felt like it was going to be the key to everything.
*Cue my legendary laziness*
It’s soooo fucking hard to remember to take that thing into the shower with me! And that was back when we only had one bathroom. Now, the Clarisonic lives on a counter in one bathroom, but I shower in the other bathroom. The bathroom with the dumb pedestal sink and no counter space. (P.S. Pedestal sinks are fucking stupid.) So, I’ve been relegated to using the Clarisonic maybe once a week, if I would remember to grab it before I got in the shower. The Clarisonic doesn’t do much if you don’t use it like you’re supposed to; that’s pretty much the point of the thing. So, my pimple forehead and zitty nose were back in full effect. Until…UNTIL, I discovered this little Pore Cleansing Pad from Sephora.
I LOVE THIS THING! Use it in circular motions with your face wash, and the little bristles gently scrub out all your makeup, sweat, and whatever other questionable things you might have on your face. It’s small enough to live on a ledge in my shower, it works great, it’s gentle enough to use every day, and it only costs FIVE DOLLARS. Five freaking dollars! Plus, since it’s silicone, it can be disinfected. That’s a big draw for me because it’s only a matter of time before I drop it, bristles down, onto the shower floor where I pee on my own dirty feet, just like Madonna.
I bought one for Jason and his terrible man skin too, and he looks like a not flaky, clear pored motherfucking angel now. We all look like angels! I’ve been using this about 5-6 days a week, with my Clarisonic the other 1 or 2 days, for about 3 weeks, and it has made a huge difference. My skin is smoother, my deep seated forehead pimples are clearing up, and my tone is starting to even out. I love this thing so much; I really, really want Sephora to make a big one so I can use it to scrub my whole body. It’s my beauty product dream right now. Really. I stand in the shower, scrubbing my nose with the little pad, and think about how great it would be to use an oven mitt sized pad to scrub my cellulite. BIG DREAMS.
I can not recommend this beauty tool enough. To me, it’s a reasonable replacement for a Clarisonic if you don’t want to drop $120 on an exfoliating brush. Get one! Hell, get five! It’s almost summer, that means lots of makeup free face time. Get your skin ready now!
