Blemish Control, Dr. Jart+, Face, Masks

Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Mask

dr jart mask

Sephora, $7.50 for one sheet or $35 for a box of five

A couple weeks ago, I hit the Sephora with a fellow childless enabler, and we had a lot of fun! Fun is a nice way of putting it. Rampage is a more accurate way of putting it. Like, did you know they have a sample limit at Sephora? Me neither! They way they told us, it seemed more like a suggestion, so we just kept hammering the samples anyways. I feel like my mid-level Sephora card entitles me to whatever I want in there. My VIB card, and my remaining bitterness over them making it seem like I had a job, and then not hiring me eight years ago. Last year, I made it a goal to let go of old grudges and annoyances, but that Sephora snub still stings. Especially when I saw homeboy that looks like Bobby fucking Hill working in there.

I like to just stay mad about not getting the job that one time so I don’t have to go back and try again. STAY MAD. That’s what I always say. That job is probably so hard; you have to deal with petty assholes like me all day. BUT, there is lipstick….

In my defense, it’s not like I just go in and demand all the samples and don’t buy anything. That’s not a rampage. A rampage involves damage inflicted on a personal level, too. If you’re not swiping your debit card in a near blackout state, sister, you ain’t rampaging.

Amidst the frenzy, in a fog of Tom Ford fragrances, I grabbed one of these single sheet Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Masks. Having never used a sheet mask before, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Since it was a sebum sucking and pore cleansing mask, I thought I’d get something sticky, or clay like. Instead, I got a fairly heavy mask that was absolutely drenched in a thin serum. Really, at that point, I was kind of confused, but, hey, I’m not a doctor! Dr. Jart is the doctor.

dr jart mask photo

-1 point for not having a mouth zipper.

After smoothing the mask onto my face, I realized, unless I kicked back, I was going to have a drippy mess to clean. I did not want that, and I didn’t want to waste any of that precious serum, so I put my head on my little pillow, and just CHILLED. The serum was really cool and relaxing, without any of the burning you can get from mint extracts. When the time was up, I peeled off the mask, and I was really surprised by how much serum my skin had absorbed. The mask wasn’t wet and heavy anymore, it was damp and papery. The directions said not to rinse, to just massage the remaining serum into the skin, and I am so about that. I hate washing off masks! I get so much water everywhere, it really might make more sense for me to just get in the shower. Same amount of toweling off, less water on the floor.

I wasn’t ready for how effective this mask was! My skin was smooth and clear, my underground sebum deposits were smaller, and my nose pores looked so clean. The work on the hard little sebum bumps was especially impressive; I’ve never seen a mask make  a noticeable difference on those before! Those disgusting little beads of oil are my #1 annoyance right now, so this turned me into repeat customer. Next time, I’m buying the whole box!

Buy Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Mask HERE.

Aging, Badger, Beauty Tools, Blemish Control, Clarisonic, Face, Fresh, GlamGlow, Mario Badescu, Masks, Moisturizer, Ole Henriksen, Pixi, Skincare

My Skin System


Today’s post is going to be all about my current skin care regimen. So, I decided to get right to the point and show you a photo of my makeup free face. There it is. I’m not going to do that thing where I act like I’m super grossed out by my own bare face, because, I’m not. I think I look fine without any makeup on, I just think I look better when I’m wearing mascara.

Right now, I’m pretty happy with my skin. The texture is good, the overall tone is decent. I rarely get blemishes. It’s not perfect, as you can see, I have some dark spots. I also have a little bit of redness around my nose, but that could just be hormonal. I *did* have a giant pimple above my top lip, right in the center last week. It literally popped up out of nowhere. I did my makeup, then I got in the car to leave, and suddenly, there was this huge, pulsing zit. It really gave me a lot of trouble, but it’s gone now. Unfortunately, it left some scarring/discoloration behind. This is a new thing for me. Over the last year or so, my skin has changed a lot, and I think it’s an age thing. My mom has the same problem with scarring and hyperpigmentation when she gets a particularly troublesome blemish. Whatcha gonna do? I just gotta roll with it, and try to find the best products for my changing skin.

skin care products

These are the products I’m currently using. As you can see, I’m not into buying an entire skin care system from the same line. I think all of our skin is so different, it can sometimes be best to mix and match. You do have to be careful when you do this though, because some ingredients can interact weirdly, or cancel each other out. Do your due diligence and research that shit! I always read tons of reviews and information before I buy a new skin care product. It doesn’t always keep me from making a mistake, but I make them less often. When things go wrong, and they sometimes will, I just pull the new product and go back to what I was doing before. I let my skin settle down, and I try again. It’s an ongoing process, but I enjoy it. Also, I really know everyone’s return policies.

Let’s take a look at my ALL-STARS! LEFT TO RIGHT, Y’ALL!

Fresh Soy Face Cleanser – I did a complete review of this a few months ago, and I am still loving it. It’s such a nice, gentle cleanser. It doesn’t dry my skin out, and it keeps it clean. I’ve had this big bottle since June, and although I’m running low, I think I’ll make it through the end of this month. So, it’s not super cheap, but a little goes a long way. I pretty much only use this once a day, in the evenings. Either with, or without my Clarisonic. Hey, speaking of my Clarisonic…..

MY CLARISONIC! – Remember when I waxed rhapsodic about my Clarisonic? I love this freaking thing so freaking much. I love how it removes allllll my makeup, I love how it keeps my skin so soft, I love how it scrubs all my little face crevices. As far as beauty products go, it’s sort of a big ticket item. But, I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it forever, they’re totally worth it. I use mine every 2-3 days, and pretty much every time I need to clean off a full face of makeup.

Pixi Glow Tonic – This baby is kind of new to the crew. I’ve been using it for about a month, and it’s been a great addition. It’s helped to clear up some rough patches, and my pores have stayed clearer. I use it every night, after I wash my face with my cleanser. I don’t wash my face with cleanser in the morning, I rinse with cool water, and then I follow that with this toner.

Ole Henriksen Truth Serum Collagen Booster & Truth Creme – I bought this set as my first shot fired in the war on my aging skin. I haven’t been using it long enough to see a difference in my dark spots, but I know I like the other things it’s doing. I use the serum first, then follow it with the creme. My skin feels soft and velvety, and it looks plump and bright. I use this system most nights, before bed.

Mario Badescu Rose Hips Nourishing Oil –  I’ve written about this here before. At first, I thought this product was kind of strange. But, the longer I use it, the more I love it. Although it’s an oil, it isn’t greasy. It’s got sort of a watery consistency, and it just sucks up moisture. It sucks it all up into your skin. I can’t get enough of how good this makes my skin feel! It has helped immensely with my dry patches, and my flakiness. I use this, in the morning, on its own; and I use it under my moisturizers and treatment oil.

Badger Damascus Rose Antioxidant Face Oil – This is my treatment oil! I use this on the nights I don’t use my Ole Henriksen products, and whenever I feel like my skin needs some deep hydration. It feels nice, the price is right, and it lasts a long time!

Glam Glow Tingling and Exfoliating MaskI’ve covered this mask here before, too. After I ran through my initial sample, I bought the small jar during the Sephora Friends & Family sale. I’ve used it once a week since then, and it has really helped to keep my skin looking clear. I credit this mask for helping to keep my nose pores under control. Those bad boys act up whenever they can. Jerks.

There it is! The system, the systo, the systrain! It’s all trial and error, guys. You just keep looking and trying and until you find the products that work for you. It takes time, but it’s worth it.

Face, GlamGlow, Masks, Skincare

GlamGlow Tingling & Exfoliating Mud Mask Review

glamglowSephora, 0.5 oz., $19 & 1.7 oz. $69

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA?! Am I supposed to be impressed by that? All across the top there? Because I used to live right in Hollywood, and I know for a fact it smells like pee there. Pee and booby glitter. That’s what Hollywood smells like.

Now, there’s a real possibility they mean “HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.” That’s the one they show on TV with the sign, and the sun, and the palm trees, and the movie stars. That place exists, but it smells like pee too. There’s no way around it!


Since I brought GlamGlow home, I’ve been walking around singing “Just let your GlamGlow/just let it shine through/just let your GlaaaaaAAAAaaaamGlow, baby/feelin’ oh so silky smooth”

It still works, right? As the jingle for a face mask? I think so.

There has been a ton of hype around these masks, and I was eager to find out if it was true. I’ve tried a lot of masks in my day, so I’m hard to impress. I go into most mask experiences not expecting too much. Although most of the GlamGlow reviews are positive, I did see a few that accused all the positive reviewers of being sheep who weren’t willing to admit that GlamGlow sucks. That seemed a little harsh to me. It’s cool if you don’t like the product, but don’t be a dick about it, right? I’m all for integrity in the beauty review game, but damn. Take it down a notch there, you big rebel.

I promise you I went into this more than ready to pan GlamGlow if I felt it was necessary.

Well, baaa baaa motherfuckers. I guess I’m just one more mindless sheep, because I really liked this mask a lot.

It looks and feels like most mud masks do, thick, cool and heavy. First, you stir it up to liquify it a little, then, you smooth it onto your face. I did struggle a little with the bits of  green tea leaves that were in the mask, because some of the bigger chunks were hard to stick down. I got it all plastered on though, so it wasn’t really a problem in the end. Other than that, it went on just like any other mud mask.

Then, the tingling started. It really walked the line between “tingling” and “burning.” But, right as I was like, “Ummm,” it calmed down, and didn’t bother me anymore.

After 10 minutes, the mask had dried very hard, and it was time to wash it off.

This particular GlamGlow mask has volcanic pumice in it, so when you rinse, it gets gritty, and you’re supposed to remove the mask in circular motions to exfoliate. I thought it was interesting that the “exfoliating” aspect was a good old mechanical exfoliant (washcloth, sugars, beads, etc.) as opposed to a chemical exfoliant, like an acid or an enzyme. I don’t know. It’s minimal work, but it seems like too much work for something that’s supposed to be a miracle product. Not that I think the pumice is bad, I don’t. It was just surprising because I think people want products to do all the work for them. And sometimes, you have to use your fingers, and exfoliate your cheeks your damn self. You’ll appreciate it more!

In the end, I was very happy with the results. I even said, “WOW!” to myself in the mirror. The French clay sucked out impurities and toxins, clearing up some dirty nose pores and deflating some questionable looking bumps, while the pumice sloughed away dullness and built up dead skin cells. I don’t know what the tea leaves did. Looked fancy? Got stuck in my drain? Yes and yes.

Here’s the thing. Right now, I’m pretty happy with my skin. I’m able to wear minimal makeup, and everything is very clear and smooth. I didn’t think I’d see much of a difference, but I was very wrong. My skin looked a lot more even, and it really was, well, radiant. It was even better the next morning! The first thing I did when I woke up was touch my own cheek. The second thing I did when I woke up, was wake Jason up and make him touch my cheek. We both agreed that my skin was extremely soft. We were like, “What is that, velvet?!?” Then, we both agreed that I was extremely beautiful and that I would never get old, and that I would always have skin like this. After that, we agreed on Honey Bunches of Oats for breakfast.

Ultimately, I recommend this product. If you have very sensitive skin, be wary of the tingling, and exfoliating. Either one of those elements in an unknown product can really irritate your tender little baby face, and GlamGlow Tingling & Exfoliating has both, one right after the other. Smear with caution.

If the price tag is a sticking point, go to Sephora and get a sample. Try it out a couple times, do the math, see if this mask at home vs. spa facials is worth it for you. They say you can use it twice a week, or as often as you like, but I would only go with once a week. Once a week is plenty for a mask this intensive. Especially if you keep on top of your skincare.

A lot of companies encourage overuse to get you to use more product than you need, so you run out faster and have to buy more. (HELLO, TOOTHPASTE COMPANIES! NOBODY NEEDS THAT MUCH TOOTHPASTE. And rinse and repeat with shampoo? Come on. That’s shameless.) I’m really, really not saying GlamGlow is doing this, I’m just saying start small.

Now, you can be all the things you always wanted to be…beautiful…sexy…

Sexual Chocolate, take us out!

P.S. I feel like all these 80’s Eddie Murphy movies/beauty review posts are very telling about who I am, as a woman. And a lover.

Masks, Origins

Origins Clear Improvements Active Charcoal Mask


Sephora, $23

When Biore strips came out, my sisters and I were sticking them on everything. We hit the clogged pore gold mine one afternoon when we happened upon our dad, snoozing/watching TV, in the living room. The removal of his Biore strip was so disgustingly successful, it has become the stuff of family legend. We never even talk about how the strips went for us, all we remember is that dad had a forest of blackheads on his nose. And that’s how we describe it to each other, “They were like little trees,” we muse, still so impressed after nearly 20 years.

In the genetic lottery, I won my dad’s giant nose and cheek pores. Keeping those bad boys cleaned out is high on my list of skin care priorities. If one of them gets too noticeable, I’ll fuck up my face trying to dig it out. It’s better to take a less violent approach. I’m real delicate, you know?

Since I’ve been using that Fresh Soy Face Cleanser and my Sephora Pore Pad, my skin has actually been really nice. But, although they are far less noticeable, I still have those blackhead creepers hanging out on my nose.

My sick nose. The true test of any product that dares to claim to “clean out pores.”

It’s been my experience that mask like this can be drying, and since I’ve been burned bad before, I hesitated to use it on my entire face. I settled for forehead, nose, chin, and selective spots on my cheeks.

The consistency was really nice. I was expecting something clay-like, similar to that of the Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. What I got was a product much smoother and creamier than that. It made application very quick and easy. I let it dry for 15 minutes, washed it off, and……it worked great! The pores on my nose were much clearer. Some of them were even empty! That NEVER happens. The skin under the other application areas reached similar levels of success; clear, clean, tightened, but not dry.

Several people have told me that they get scared to use masks like this because it gives them more pimples. I can’t guarantee I can stop that, but I can give you some tips that might help.

  • I always apply my masks after a long shower. The steam in the shower opens your pores and softens all that gross stuff inside them; making it easier for the product to work.
  • Wash your face with cleanser before and AFTER you remove the mask! That way you take off any remaining traces of product residue, and you wash away any of the bacteria or debris that may not have been pulled completely away. I can’t stress this enough. Just wiping, or rinsing off clarifying masks can leave those products in your pores, where they’re still kind of doing their thing, bringing junk up to the skin’s surface but not pulling it out completely. That equals eruptions. We don’t want that. We want that opposite of that.
  • When you’re done, keep those filthy paws off your silky pores. Don’t make me come over there and spank your hands.

After what happened last time I used an Origins mask, I was a little apprehensive, but this one was great! I really liked it a lot. It did what I was hoping it would do, and it didn’t wreak havoc on the more sensitive parts of my face.

Thanks to smart cookie and independent woman, Jaime S. for the killer recommendation.

Buy it HERE

Bargain Beauty, Cleansers, Lips, Masks

Pretty Cheap, Vol. 1

The drugstore is the first place we all started experimenting with crazy beauty, right? If you were like me, you were young, you only had birthday money, and you were obsessed with Long’s Drugstore. They had all the best shit! Tons of face glitter and lots of cheap nail polish to shoplift.

Nail polish and toe rings….

Now that I’m too old to get busted for shoplifting without it being totally humiliating, and I have a debit card, I still like to peruse the drugstore for cheap beauty products. Scoring a good deal on a quality product is fucking intoxicating. I like to buy a bunch of stuff, show it all to Jason, and then gloat about how, “If you think about it, I’m really making us money by buying all this cheap product!” He says that’s not how it works, I say he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

So, today I’m introducing you guys to some of my very favorite discount beauty buys. These are all products that I’ve extensively tested and re-bought. They’re all good, they’re all cheap, and they’re all super easy to find at Target, Ulta, the grocery store, and online.

Pick up your Cipro and some lip gloss all at once! Let’s do it!

Queen Helene Mint Julep Masquemint masque

Ulta, $3.99

Don’t let the dated packaging and low price fool you, this mask is the real deal. Like, old school, thick and bright green. It’s straight up Mrs. Doubtfire status.



Haha! I love it! Mrs. Doubtfire, you are SO CRAZY!

Queen Helene’s Mint Julep Masque has a clay like consistency, which is why it hardens as it dries. This part can hurt a little. I don’t know, maybe it’s pulling on the hypothetical peach fuzz I definitely do not have on my chin. After 15 games of Bejeweled, rinse it off, and rewash your face with your cleanser. You should see brighter and clearer looking skin. It definitely helps with blackheads and drying up zits. The site claims it “shrinks enlarged pores,” but that’s bullshit because that’s impossible.

In fact, let’s clear this up right now:


All beauty products can do is decrease the appearance of your pores by cleaning them out. I’m sorry. I wish it wasn’t this way, but it is. But, hey, if you’re in the market for a mask that will decrease the appearance of your pores, this one will do it. The mint can sting a little, so if you have extremely sensitive skin, tread carefully. I’ve been using this mask for years, and I buy it over more expensive masks all the time.

ETA: A friend left a comment about her experience with the mask, “When I was younger than 20, it was fine. Now that my skin is aging, it is asking for trouble. It dries me out way too much, it burns like hell, and leaves me with a thin, frail, red mess.”

So, fair warning for all you tender faced readers! You could maybe still use it in spots; if my cheeks are feeling really dry, I’ll only put it on my nose and forehead. But, if you have qualms, spot test first.

Revlon ColorBurst Lip Butter

lip butter, $5.99

I’m a sucker for products that have the word “butter” in the name. I’m drawn right to it! I don’t know what that says about me other than the obvious; I’m hungry and susceptible.

Revlon’s Lip Butters go on so smoothly. Even the colors with shimmer in them don’t really drag or get caught up if your lips aren’t in great condition. Which is good for me because, as I’ve stated earlier, I gnaw on my poor mouth. The color payoff is good, with finishes ranging from sheer to dark. They have a balm like consistency, but they don’t seem particularly moisturizing. If that’s a concern for you, you can apply them over whatever lip moisturizer you use. They’re great for summer because they’re light, they aren’t sticky, and they don’t travel all over your face.

“Peach Parfait” is my oh-shit-I-don’t-have-lipstick-on emergency kit. It’s a fantastic nude that’s always in my purse, and it looks great with almost any eye makeup I might be wearing. I loved that first color so much, I bought two more, “Cupcake” and “Tutti Frutti.”

I was just embarrassed for myself typing out, “Tutti Frutti.” That sounds like a grandma lipstick.

These Lip Butters are such a great deal. The quality is great and the price is awesome. You can even find them on sale all the time! BONUS!

Yes to Blueberries Facial Towelettes


Amazon, 30 ct., $5.99

Look. I hate washing my face as much as everybody else. I especially hate it when it’s after 2:00 AM, and I’m, um, three sheets to an ill wind.

So many vodka tonics


washing my makeup off over the sink



Followed by all the things on the bathroom counter being knocked over. I’m great at holding it together at the bars, but the second I get into the car with Jason, I go crazy! I’m like Roger Rabbit when you give him liquor; all broken windows and steam coming out of my ears.

OK, I’ve never broken any windows. But, I did once flood my mom’s front room because I passed out in the shower with my leg over the drain.

If I’d had these facial towelettes then, I never would have gotten into the shower that fateful morning! I would have just wiped my face, and gone to bed. Then, the whole 80s movie montage that went down when I woke up and had to frantically clean up all the water because MY PARENTS WERE COMING HOME EARLY never would have happened.

It sounds like I was 17 when this happened, but I was 23. Oops!

Well, I didn’t quite learn my lesson, I still drunkenly climb into bathtubs and showers. But, it happens a lot less often. For real, the ability to be able to just wipe off my makeup at the end of the night is such a relief.

These towelettes are perfect for taking off face makeup, and eye shadows, but they’re not great for effectively removing all of your eye liner and mascara. It can be done, it just takes a little more work. I don’t really care about that for this product because I’m not using it as my primary cleanser. Besides, who doesn’t like a little sexy, smudged party eye?

I like to wipe my face with them, then rinse out the cloth and give my skin one more pass. That way, I can pick up any extra cleanser or makeup that’s left behind. They clean your skin, and they moisturize too. So, if you’re drunk or just lazy you’re all set!


Put these products on your Target lists. Don’t shoplift them!

Shoplifting is for 13 year olds with attitude problems. And Winona Ryder.

Are you a 13 year old or Winona Ryder?

No. You’re not.

Shoplifting and teenage suicide, DON’T DO IT.

Maintenance, Masks

Origins Drink Up Mask


Origins Drink Up 10 Minute Mask, $23

I am thrilled to announce that I have not lost my streak for spontaneity in my old age. Where ten years ago, I was getting into cars with strange dudes in unfamiliar cities; today, I am pushing back my nap because I randomly found a mask sample in a Sephora bag.

Unfortunately, the mask experiment didn’t end as well as the rides with strange dudes.

I’m not saying every ride with every stranger ended well. But, at least none of them ended up with burning and redness like this ride with an unknown mask did.

The consistency was cool and creamy, like a very thick fluid moisturizer. I had such high hopes while I was smoothing it onto my poor, dry cheeks. I was imagining the moment I would rinse off the remaining product to reveal my dewy, hydrated skin. Then, I was going to take my beautiful visage out into the world, so everyone at Von’s could be blessed by the otherworldly glow emanating from my face. I was really going to do a lot of good for a lot of people….

Instead, immediately after I finished congratulating my future self on her beautiful skin, I started to feel a burning under the mask. Moisturizers, in any form, should feel soothing! They shouldn’t hurt. This hurt! I kept at it though, because, shit, I don’t know, I always do. After all, one of my beauty mantras is, “If it burns, it’s working.” That’s patently misguided, ok for hair dye and peels, and absurd for a moisturizing mask. Not ok.

The instructions said to rinse off any remaining product after 10 minutes. I made it about 7. I’m stubborn, but not to the point that I’d burn off my own face.

After I rinsed my face, I did a thorough inspection. My dry patches were slightly less rough, but now my entire face felt raw and tender. I did not have a beautiful glow, and I did not look like I had been photoshopped by baby angels. I looked exactly the same, but pinker.

What the fuck, Origins?! This is the third time you’ve done me dirty. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m a big idiot, I guess.