Maintenance

Faster Beauty School

Beauty School Dorm

“Hazel. Your hair isn’t big enough and you know it. This is beauty school, not nursing school, dammit!”

I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

I’ve been careless with your delicate faces.

In my frenzy to share the good news about the Sephora Pore Cleansing Pad, I failed to warn all of you about the dangers of over exfoliating. Thankfully, it’s only been a few days, so there shouldn’t be too much damage done.

Please forgive me. You know I gets excited!

To make amends, let’s go over some basic skincare. We’ll put that esthetics license* to work!

Hey, man. I didn’t spend all those months locked in a room with bad teenagers** for nothing.

Cleanse

Before you can choose an effective cleanser, you have to be realistic with yourself about the strengths and weaknesses of your skin. Not your perceived weaknesses. The actual weaknesses. Just because you always had oily skin while you were a teenager, that doesn’t mean you’ll still have oily skin in your 20s, or 30s. You can’t keep using the same types of cleansers forever. I learned that lesson the hard way. I legit blame my own inability to follow this rule for the nearly two year struggle I’ve had with my skin.

A couple years ago, I was in the market for a new face wash. I’d always heard good things about Kiehl’s, and since we were living in LA, there was a Kiehl’s counter in a Bloomingdale’s close by. Practically fate, right?! Wrong. WRONG.

I went over there and had a whole conversation with the girl at the counter about their cleansers and masks. Purposely letting it drop that I was a licensed beauty professional, and not so purposely letting it drop that I was a huge asshole. I just really hate sitting through the whole fancy spiel about products. I don’t need to be sold to that way, it’s better for everyone if we don’t go through it, and I start to get bitchy immediately if we do.

Ugh. I’m totally just excusing my rampant self-importance right now. SOMEBODY HELP/STOP ME.

Anyways (GOOD LORD), when she asked what my skin was like, I told her the usual story: I’m pretty oily, I don’t get a lot of zits, but I battle with dullness. False. True. True. At this point, I was already most of the way through my 30th year, and I had been doing the same old routine for so long, I hadn’t realized that my skin had changed as I got older. I wasn’t that oily anymore. I think I was confusing “oily” with “sweaty.”

That’s so fucking gross. You’ll have to excuse me, I’m feeling particularly candid this morning.

Our skin tends to get drier as we age. Your skin changes a lot from your 20s to your 30s, I was out of my 20s, and not noticing the real reason why my skin care products had stopped working. This is the exact reason why, once a year or so, it’s so important to take stock of where your skin actually is. I think we sometimes get so hung up on what we’ve always thought our problems were, that we don’t see anything else. If you keep using products that address problems you don’t actually have anymore, your skin will only get worse. Cleansers for oily skin can over dry and cause oil production to increase. Acne cleansers can do the same thing, if you don’t need them anymore, leading to more acne. What a fucked up cycle, right?

I should have stopped using clarifying products, and started using combination or normal products. Instead, I bought another oil fighting cleanser and a fucking clay mask. Like an idiot. Horrifyingly, the combination of those two products totally demolished my skin. Both of my cheeks became giant, scaly surfaces. I mean, cheeks so dry and rough, they felt like scar tissue. It’s taken me nearly all of the time since then to repair the damage.

Find a good cleanser that will suit your specific skin care problems, and you have a good foundation.

Get that good cleanser and wash that face! Every day! It completely boggles my mind when people tell me they don’t have a face wash. Like, what the fuck are you doing with your life?! How do you take off your makeup? How do you clean away all the sweat and grime that lands on your face while you’re out being a person in the world? What else don’t you have?! Toothpaste?! Conventional wisdom says you should wash your face twice a day, in the morning and the evening. Personally, I usually only wash my face with cleanser in the evenings. In the mornings, if I’m not showering, I just use water.

Exfoliation

I woke up in the middle of the night, last night, and had a near meltdown when I realized I had condoned daily exfoliation to literally dozens of people. DOZENS! That was totally irresponsible of me. Especially since one of the first things I usually tell people is to stop exfoliating every day. Those cleansers with exfoliating beads in them bug the shit out of me. They’re usually too harsh and abrasive for daily use, and to make matters worse, they’re frequently used in acne cleansers. Exfoliating acne prone skin every day can cause an overproduction in oil, more irritation to the skin, and it can spread bacteria all around. If you have acne prone skin, you can gently exfoliate maybe once or twice a week.

That’s a good place to start for everyone.

If you want to get into an exfoliation routine, start out slowly, with a gentle exfoliating tool or scrub, once or twice a week. Then, if you feel like your skin can take more, increase the frequency. If your skin starts to feel tight, or tender, or bumpier than usual, you’re exfoliating too much. If you start getting more zits, you might be exfoliating too much. It’s really, really important that you don’t overwork your skin. Scale it back, and you’ll see good results. Cleaner, smoother, brighter skin.

Moisturize

Everyone should be moisturizing. EVERYONE. A lot of oily skinned people think they don’t need to, or shouldn’t moisturize. Not true! Moisturizing can help to balance out the oil production, and calm your skin. And most importantly, daily moisturizing is one of the most effective ways to combat aging.

Who wants dry, wrinkly old lady skin? Not fucking me. That’s for sure.

aubrey

In my experience, simple moisturizers work best. Things with too much perfume can be drying and irritating and that’s the opposite of what we’re trying to do here. Apply your moisturizer after you wash your face. Every time. WATER can be drying too. Especially if you have crazy hard water, or you love hot showers. Those hot showers feel good, but they’ll dry your skin out soooooo bad. Worth it? The answer should be “no,” but I’m going to say “sometimes.” I’m not going to begrudge anyone the occasional super hot shower. Use a moisturizer with an SPF 15 for day to day, and one without for evenings, or any time you’ll be photographed with flash. SPFs show up white under flash. Eww! Don’t get caught looking busted like you can’t match your face to your neck.

*****

So, my skin care basics come in at over 1,000 words. You’re welcome? Sorry? I don’t know. I’m just so passionate about all of us being as good looking as possible!

*License only valid in CA

**Not all of those teenagers were bad. Some were completely adorable.

Standard
Maintenance, Masks

Origins Drink Up Mask

originsdrinkup

Origins Drink Up 10 Minute Mask, $23

I am thrilled to announce that I have not lost my streak for spontaneity in my old age. Where ten years ago, I was getting into cars with strange dudes in unfamiliar cities; today, I am pushing back my nap because I randomly found a mask sample in a Sephora bag.

Unfortunately, the mask experiment didn’t end as well as the rides with strange dudes.

I’m not saying every ride with every stranger ended well. But, at least none of them ended up with burning and redness like this ride with an unknown mask did.

The consistency was cool and creamy, like a very thick fluid moisturizer. I had such high hopes while I was smoothing it onto my poor, dry cheeks. I was imagining the moment I would rinse off the remaining product to reveal my dewy, hydrated skin. Then, I was going to take my beautiful visage out into the world, so everyone at Von’s could be blessed by the otherworldly glow emanating from my face. I was really going to do a lot of good for a lot of people….

Instead, immediately after I finished congratulating my future self on her beautiful skin, I started to feel a burning under the mask. Moisturizers, in any form, should feel soothing! They shouldn’t hurt. This hurt! I kept at it though, because, shit, I don’t know, I always do. After all, one of my beauty mantras is, “If it burns, it’s working.” That’s patently misguided, ok for hair dye and peels, and absurd for a moisturizing mask. Not ok.

The instructions said to rinse off any remaining product after 10 minutes. I made it about 7. I’m stubborn, but not to the point that I’d burn off my own face.

After I rinsed my face, I did a thorough inspection. My dry patches were slightly less rough, but now my entire face felt raw and tender. I did not have a beautiful glow, and I did not look like I had been photoshopped by baby angels. I looked exactly the same, but pinker.

What the fuck, Origins?! This is the third time you’ve done me dirty. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m a big idiot, I guess.

Standard
Nails

White Noise

Years and years ago, the first time I asked my homegirl/manicurist/salon coworker to do my nails white, she told me no. She told me it was going to look ugly, and that she didn’t want to have any part of it. We had disagreements like this all the time. When she finally did it, after I swore she’d bear no responsibility for the outcome, she looked at my AWESOME nails and had to admit they looked dope as hell. Like, a month later, I randomly found a little blurb in a magazine about white nails being a new trend to watch for, and I was all, “I TOLD YOU! IN YO FACE!” So gracious, as usual.

I love to do my nails white. I encourage other people to do their nails white. I think it looks just as cool as my good old favorite nail color, black.

Last week, I had an upcoming nail appointment, and I was trying to figure out what I was going to have done. I saw this photo of Kate Moss for Vogue UK June 2013, and I knew I wanted my nails like that!

kate

I had my nails did professionally, but you can tackle the look at home. Doing your nails like this does involve more patience than most other colors. It’s really easy to end up with streaky or chalky nails. You really have to be careful to apply your polish a little on the thick side and very evenly, letting it dry in between coats.

Making my nails look like Kate’s is about the best I can do. I’m not even saying I can get my fingers to look like hers. I am saying just the nails. Her hands are all graceful and skinny; I am working with los chorizo fingers.

Observe.

white nails

Pretty cool, right? Please don’t look at the ugly damage I’ve nervously picked into the sides of my fingers. Ignore that completely. That doesn’t concern you!

Coming soon: The cute Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids I had to buy to cover my gross fingers, so I’ll leave them alone FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

For some reason, white nails can befuddle some manicurists. A friend recently told me that when she asked for an all white manicure at a chop shop, they were confused that she didn’t mean she wanted a French manicure. A FRENCH MANICURE?! WHAT?! WHY?!

I mean, THAT is a confusing choice.

Make it happen! Sally Hansen White Out, $2.99

Standard
General

SPARKLE, Sarah, SPARKLE!

xx

We launched this site out into the world today! *Xanax break!*

I’m super excited, pretty nervous, really thankful that I have a husband who’s super good at computers, and feeling so loved by all the support my friends have shown. I love every comment, “Like,” retweet and “Share.” I love that nobody told me I should keep my day job.

My day job is television. I play Bejeweled part time, in the evenings.

For years, I’ve bounced back and forth between my two loves – beauty and writing. Always thinking the two were mutually exclusive, I felt I couldn’t pursue either interest full time without having to let go of the other one. Feeling like a Jo AND an Amy, I’ve never been able to choose between the two! As a kid, I would flip back and forth between what I perceived as “looks” or “brains.” Wanting both, but feeling like I had to choose one. In the same year in elementary school, I wrote a book about frogs in love with my best friend (“Rainy Days, Froggy Nights”), and a paper on Helena Rubenstein.

I hated feeling like I couldn’t be smart without rejecting beauty culture, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t love beauty without being “dumb.”

Eventually, I realized these things I love are equally important parts of me. The same reverence I hold for a new notebook, is the same reverence I hold for my Kevyn Aucoin books. I’ve failed at other blogs just the same as I failed as an esthetician.

So, there I was. When faced with the option of trying to build a business as a makeup artist or, buckling down and trying to write the things I wanted to write; I’d put together a full kit of makeup brushes one day, and set up a new blog the next. I’d look up makeup artistry classes in one tab, and creative writing classes in another. I was spinning my wheels and getting on my own nerves! Plus, when I don’t have a creative outlet, I get bored. When I get bored, I get tricky. When I’m tricky, things are crazy for Jason.

I am so happy to realize I don’t have to choose. I am so excited to be able to pour my love of words all over my love of FACE. I’ve been having so much fucking fun!

Thanks for reading! Keep your fingers crossed for me, I love self-sabotage!

And television! Fuck, I love television!

Standard
Maintenance

Eyebrow Beat

Threading

BAM! EYEBROWS!

When I was in beauty school, our poor, old, overwhelmed instructor, Miss Lupe, told us that you can’t give someone an arch in their eyebrows that they don’t have.

Miss Lupe never met Amani.

Amani is totally beautiful, sort of quiet, and a fucking eyebrow threading artist. Every 2 weeks to a month, depending on how lazy I am and what my social calendar looks like, I go to Amani. I get in her chair, follow her instructions, and for $10, she takes her spool of thread and shows my caterpillar eyebrows and shameful mustache no mercy. As long as I don’t have to wait for her to finish someone else, I can be out of there in under ten minutes with a smooth upper lip, and two beautifully arched eyebrows. Eyebrows so fucking on point, they could only have been crafted by a gifted expert. She’s so good, she’s made an evangelist out of me.

Giving up waxing for threading is one of the smartest beauty decisions I’ve ever made.

Like, it maybe even ranks in my Top Five Best Life Decisions:

  1. Anytime I ever said, “I think I’m gonna stop drinking tonight.”
  2. When I decided to quit my telemarketing job. It was actually crushing my soul.
  3. Threading.
  4. Letting Jason touch my boobs on our first date. NAILED IT.
  5. Cymbalta!

Going to beauty school, and working in salons, I’ve seen layers of skin ripped off, burns of all sizes and severities, eyebrows almost completely taken off, and I was once witness to a very unfortunately ended men’s brazilian. I’VE HAD HOT WAX DROPPED IN MY EYE. Who among us hasn’t had a hole put in their eyebrow by an overzealous friend, or inexperienced salon employee? It’s dangerous out there for your face!

It’s really nice to take that possibility of getting maimed off the table.

Obviously, there are varying levels of talent and expertise to be found in threading salons (salons? parlors? what?). But, every rando thread job I’ve had was met with far less anxiety than my trips to an unknown wax provider.

I still fuck with waxing when it’s winter time, and I can let my leg hair really get wild. Of course, waxing my underarms is a year round fave. But, it would literally be idiotic for me to go back to waxing for my face.

It’s like the old saying goes, “Once you go thread, you’ll always be in bed. Because you’ll be so hot, everyone will want to do it with you.” Right? Yes? Yes.

Standard
Bargain Beauty, BODY-ODY-ODY

Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter

I am a lotion serial killer. I stalk my prey up and down the aisles at Target, and the shelves at Sephora. Searching, searching, always searching for the perfect one; the perfect victim to fulfill my insatiable need for impossibly silky, glowing skin. My house is where bottles of lotion go to die.

Well, not die exactly. More like, my house is where lotions go to get used for a week, before languishing in a cabinet for years, until I finally break down and throw them away. It’s cruel, really. Off the top of my head, I can think of 8 lotions or body oils shoved into various places around the house. I’m always trying to pawn old lotions off on Jason with a wink, but he doesn’t want them either. Some people are so wasteful!

That was all in my former life though…..

coconut-body-butter

THANK THE LAWD, I HAVE BEEN REHABILITATED.

From the Trader Joe’s site:

“This is a thick, smooth, buttery, body cream that’s made with pure coconut oil and other natural, skin-soothing ingredients, like aloe vera, shea butter and vitamin E. It absorbs into your skin very quickly, and doesn’t leave it feeling oily. So whether you have eczema, dry skin or just like to keep your skin feeling soft and fresh, our Coconut Body Butter is healing, gentle, and restorative.”

I always read stuff like this, fall in love with the sound of it, imagine all the ways my life will be different, run out and buy the product, then get super disappointed, never return it, aaaand the cycle starts all over again. That is not this. This right hurr is completely true copy. Not only does it completely deliver on all those promises, it smells amazing! I hate fake, overly sweet fragrances, but this lotion hits the perfect spot on the vanilla spectrum. Like, it smells like how creamy, homemade coconut pudding eaten on a beach in the Bahamas would taste. I guess? PLUS, it only costs FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS! I’m working on my third jar right now!

Full disclosure: I *did* have a relapse after I finished the first jar. I had a quick obsession with almond oil, that ultimately turned disastrous. I’d oil up after my shower, toss around like a greasy lint roller in our bed all night, and wake up with everyone’s detritus stuck to my skin. Chihuahua hair, my hair, Jason’s beard hairs, pubes maybe (we sleep “European”), random crud!! FUCKING GROSSS, RIGHT? YES, TOTALLY SICK! It was making me break out! The almond oil was just not a good fit for our super sheddy lifestyle. Plus, I took a look at the ingredients one day, and the first one was peanut oil! Pass.

Why was I still looking for another lotion? “Oh, this lotion makes my skin totally soft, even on the nights I’m too lazy to put it on before bed, all my chronically dry patches are clearing up, it’s basically my perfect product. It’s probably what Rihanna smells like. But, that’s ok! I’ll try something else!” What is wrong with me?! I have a condition!

So, back to the Trader Joe’s I went!

  • truffle cheese
  • crazy beers
  • generic Pirate’s Booty
  • coconut lotion

Now, all is right with my lotion world again. As long as Trader Joe’s keeps making this body butter, I’ll keep buying it.

Shit. It has just occurred to me that Trader Joe’s has a long history of discontinuing products as soon as I’ve fallen in love with them. This could be a big problem. I have to stock up fast! I’m going to corner the market on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter Duke bros. style!

The Dukes

That’s how the stock market works, right? I can force them to keep making it? Something, something, supply and demand?

Hopefully, this lotion and I will be together for a very long time. It really is making my thigh bumps life better!

Looking good, me!

Looking good!

Feeling good, me!

feeling good

Standard
Makeovers

The Basketcase

I’m all for a good makeover montage, (Helloooo Tai!), but Allison Reynolds looked way cooler with all that “black shit” under her eyes than she did after Claire got ahold of her. That headband was heinous.

However…

claire

Claire’s lipsticked mouth is a thing of beauty forever and ever, amen.

Standard