Hair, Links

TBD Party Prep Pony

“It’s not that crazy, I promise.

Step 1. Start with clean dry hair.

Step 25. Spray all over with a finishing hairspray.”

HAHAHAHA. GOOD ONE.

I spent a considerable amount of time last night analyzing this Party Prep Pony tutorial from The Beauty Department, and I can not, for the fucking life of me, figure it out. Best I can tell, you tie your hair into a series of knots. Is it just me? Am I an idiot?

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BODY-ODY-ODY, LUSH, Perfume

LUSH Lust Perfume

lust

Did you used to have a signature Bath & Body Works scent?

You did. Everyone did!

Mine was “Night Blooming Jasmine.” It smelled SO GOOD; like jasmine and lilacs and musk. At the height of my daily addiction, I would use the shower gel, cover myself from high boobs to toes with the lotion, and give myself a generous mist of the body spray. Then, I’d straighten out my little Bettie Page bangs, maybe put some spiked chopsticks in my hair (this was the early 2000s), and I’d take it all out into the world. I was barely 21, mostly drunk, smellin’ nice and looking for dudes.

Lucky for me, dudes really liked this stuff.

Now, they might have just liked my general “ready to mingle” attitude, and the aforementioned high boobs. But, in my body spray’s defense, upon first meeting me, hardly anyone ever said, “Man. You slut it up so good.” No. They said, “You smell really good. Like, really good.”

It happened so often, if such a thing existed at the time, I would have gone over to the Bath & Body Works site and written a review for this scent that just said, “WANG MAGNET. 4 STARS.”

When the unthinkable happened, and they discontinued the scent, I was totally crushed. I ran through a bunch of their other offerings, but I never liked anything else as much. So, that was that.

Until, all of a sudden, 10 years later, I could order Night Blooming Jasmine from their site. I was so fucking stoked! I bought all the pieces of my old regimen (you know the drill, buy 3, get 2 free), sat back, and dreamed about the day my order would show up and I could seduce my husband with how good I smelled.

The second it came, I immediately knew it was a bad idea. Opening that jasmine scented package was like lifting up the lid on some old haunted jewelry box and having the ghost of my most embarrassing former self jump out. I rubbed on a little of the lotion, and there she was; with her underwear in her furry leopard purse, slept on eye makeup and Lucky Strikes mouth.

I couldn’t wear it. It wasn’t me anymore! It had been so long since the last time I’d smelled it, I just assumed I’d still love it. Instead, in an it-all-came-rushing-back moment, the scent brought up so many old memories, it literally made my stomach turn. It was fucking gross.

It was a relief to return it; I didn’t even want it in my house.

It’s not like that period of my life was a nightmare. It was just so long ago. Like any other distinguishable time in my life, it had its good moments (running wild with my BFF, my superhuman Mad Dog 20/20* drinking skills), and its bad moments (any time I picked up my phone to hear someone’s secret girlfriend yelling at me, the night I learned about peppermint schnapps). It’s fun to relive those times in your mind, but it’s a different thing to add in a sensory memory. It makes you remember exactly what you felt like. It’s a trip.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.

I hate the blue kind of mint gum too because my sophomore year boyfriend chewed it nonstop, and now, when I chew it, I only taste a 17 year old boy’s sticky mouth on mine.

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That was just a long story about another product to bring you to the product I really want to talk about: LUSH’s Lust Perfume.

I was just playing around at LUSH one day, rubbing the lotion on the skin, and I found Lust by accident. I’m still such a sucker for jasmine, but nothing ever came close to the love I had for that Bath & Body Works body spray until I randomly ran across this perfume.

LUSH describes Lust as “a heady mash-up of rich florals and a warm, woody base” with notes of  jasmine, ylang ylang, rose, vanilla and sandalwood. It is deliciously, unashamedly sexy without smelling like an old lady perfume. To me, it smells sexy like sitting out on some secret jasmine garden patio in Morocco** on an old colorful rug, topless (but you know, classy, with my hair covering my boobs), and smoking a joint. Floral and musky and exotic like that.

I sprayed some on my arm to find out how it would react with my skin, left to do some other shopping, and found myself constantly bringing my arm up to my nose, taking a big whiff and going, “MMMMM!!!” It was love at first sniff. The perfume itself was gorgeous, and the way it smelled on me was divine. Finding Lust was such an awesome, cosmic occurrence. It was like running across my grown up self just sitting on a shelf, waiting for me. It’s so perfect, I brought it home, and it’s my new signature scent.

Please don’t buy this if you know me in real life.

Unlike Night Blooming Jasmine, it’s a scent that suits who I am now. NBJ me was cool, but she was very unattached, super young and pretty dumb. Lust me is older, smarter (ehhh? I don’t get into cars with strangers anymore, I guess), and married.

Like, I still want to do ho shit, but I do ho shit in a different context now.

So, these days, I spray Lust all over my not-as-high-but-still-rocking boobs, fix up my bangs free*** hair (I’m almost 2 years bangs sober), and climb all over Jason.

They say you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, I say you can’t spell housewife without ho.

 

*Go ahead and do a Google Image Search for “Mad Dog 20/20” if you want to barf.

**Is this what Morocco is like? I have no idea. If it isn’t, please don’t tell me.

***I still love bangs so much. After 15 years with them though, I felt like I was stuck in a rut. I am still your bangs sister. Always and forever.

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Lab Bunny Mob, Nails

Nail Call

The white mani is making a splash like Jan Brady, y’all!

jennails

Jennifer Williams puttin’ it down for Californ-I-a.

Jwhitenails

Julianne looks fly in Dubai!

Thanks for sharing your rad nails, babies! You guys are so fucking hot!

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Nails, Upcoming

Fingerbanged

I was just getting ready to trim my nails short, and then this poked me in the heart…

conlimonCon Limon

So, I basically lost my fucking mind because it’s so rad. I’m crazy now. Like, insane. I’m insane and I can’t breathe from the excitement!

Obviously, coming soon.

 

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All Skate!, TGIF

Beauty Confessions

It’s been a long week for me down here at the old blog mill…

When you’re the boss of your own pretend job, it’s too easy to make yourself work unusual hours. Crazy, inhumane hours like, 2:30 AM – 6:00 AM, or 4:15 AM – 7:00 AM. Hours when I should be dreaming about doing it with Louis CK (more pleasant than you would think), or fighting with teenaged girls (exactly as horrible as you would think).

Also, I’ve been making some extra money working double time on the seduction line.

Needless to say, I’ve got a case of the Fridays. That’s like a case of the Mondays, except for instead of not wanting to do anything on a Monday, you don’t want to do anything on a Friday. I had a case of the Wednesdays too, but it was less severe.

*****

Annnnyways. It was during one of those early morning blog shifts, when I was thinking about the post I’d read about beauty mistakes we make while we’re first learning how to self style, that I got inspired me to write a post about my own cringeworthy mistakes. But, now, I want to know yours!

I know you guys were out there with crunchy hair and too much eyeliner.

tarareid

That loose boob is the best thing she has going on here.

Come on! Spill those beauty confessions!

 

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Giveaways

Baby’s First Contest Winners

I had to call my lab assistant out of bed just now to help out with the contest. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

Since all of our hats are princess crowns, we had to come up with another way to pick the winners.

princesshat

BOW.

So, we used a random number generator instead!

Rowdypaw

And the winners are……

Denys!

Erin!

Tisha!

And……………

Camber!

Congratulations, Lab Bunny Buddies! I’ll be in touch to get your prizes to you.

Thanks so much to everyone who participated in the giveaway! We’ll do another one soon!

 

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Lips, Maintenance

Lip Prep School

I was 15 or 16 the first time I wore bright red lipstick out in public. I felt really ostentatious and awkward, like I might be doing something dumb, and I felt like for sure everyone was looking at me. It was the same sort of scary feeling I’d experienced the day I debuted my rhinestoned cat eyed white sunglasses into the world.

Scary, but SO RIGHT.

I’ve been in love with bright lip colors ever since then. There is no better way to insure that I will spend lots of time pouting at myself in the mirror than to hand me a tube of red lipstick. I will stand there, making erotic mouths at myself, all day.

selflip

(Photo of my own sexymouth that was already on my phone.)

(I should be embarrassed.)

I like to wear bright lipstick as often as I can. Unfortunately, I also like to sometimes gnaw my lips into a shredded disaster area. Luckily, these two hobbies of mine CAN coexist thanks to my ultra effective lip repair regimen. I do these steps almost every time I decide to wear a bright or creamy lipstick.

STEP ONE – We can have lots of fun. Moisturizing.

For day to day wear, not all lip balms are created equal. But for this, you can use anything that will moisturize your lips. The goal is to get all that dead skin and gross crud really soft and ready to be sloughed. Get that Chapstick, butter, or whatever and apply a generous amount – really pile it on. Now, go do something else for at least ten minutes.

STEP TWO – There’s so much we can do…to exfoliate your lips.

OK. We let our mouths get a good soak in all that grease. It’s time to scrub it all off! You can use a wet, warm washcloth, your toothbrush, or one of the many available lip exfoliants. I prefer to use LUSH’s Mint Julips Sugar Lip Scrub; it’s good and scrubby, it doesn’t dissolve right away, and it’s zero Weight Watchers points. I mean, probably, right? That’s what I tell myself when I’m eating it off my own mouth anyways.

Take your exfoliator, a little bit of warm water, and gently scrub your lips in circular motions. Scrub them until they feel nice and smooth. Sometimes, if my lips are especially chewed up, I’ll apply more lip balm and come back and exfoliate again a few hours later.

STEP THREE – It’s just you and me. (Me, in this case, is your chapstick.)

After you’ve given your lips a rough, but loving exfoliation, you need to apply more moisturizer. They’ll be super soft and pillowy, so now is when you want to use something good, and not something that dries out your lips. My very favorite lip moisturizer is Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment. It’s a little higher priced, but since I started using it, my lips have never been so consistently soft, even when I’m not wearing it. Smith’s Rosebud Salve is also a really great product. It’s only $6, and you can use it on your cuticles too. Whatever you use, slather it on those smooth kissy lips!

STEP FOUR – I can give you more…opportunities to wear dramatic lip colors!

I do this moisturize/exfoliate thing about once a week. Sometimes, in the shower, I’ll just run whatever face exfoliator I’m using over my lips while they’re soft from the warm water. The trick is to make it a part of your regular routine. The couple of minutes of hands on time is worth it for how good it makes your lips feel, and for the joy of putting on a hot lip color and having it not look like shit.

STEP FIVE – Don’t you know that the time has arrived.

FOR ME TO STOP WITH THIS TERRIBLE NEW KIDS THING I STARTED.

HUHHH!

NKOTB

(L to R: my boyfriend, Jordan, Monkeyface, poor Jonathan, Ugh. Donnie)

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