Lips, Maintenance

Lip Prep School

I was 15 or 16 the first time I wore bright red lipstick out in public. I felt really ostentatious and awkward, like I might be doing something dumb, and I felt like for sure everyone was looking at me. It was the same sort of scary feeling I’d experienced the day I debuted my rhinestoned cat eyed white sunglasses into the world.

Scary, but SO RIGHT.

I’ve been in love with bright lip colors ever since then. There is no better way to insure that I will spend lots of time pouting at myself in the mirror than to hand me a tube of red lipstick. I will stand there, making erotic mouths at myself, all day.


(Photo of my own sexymouth that was already on my phone.)

(I should be embarrassed.)

I like to wear bright lipstick as often as I can. Unfortunately, I also like to sometimes gnaw my lips into a shredded disaster area. Luckily, these two hobbies of mine CAN coexist thanks to my ultra effective lip repair regimen. I do these steps almost every time I decide to wear a bright or creamy lipstick.

STEP ONE – We can have lots of fun. Moisturizing.

For day to day wear, not all lip balms are created equal. But for this, you can use anything that will moisturize your lips. The goal is to get all that dead skin and gross crud really soft and ready to be sloughed. Get that Chapstick, butter, or whatever and apply a generous amount – really pile it on. Now, go do something else for at least ten minutes.

STEP TWO – There’s so much we can do…to exfoliate your lips.

OK. We let our mouths get a good soak in all that grease. It’s time to scrub it all off! You can use a wet, warm washcloth, your toothbrush, or one of the many available lip exfoliants. I prefer to use LUSH’s Mint Julips Sugar Lip Scrub; it’s good and scrubby, it doesn’t dissolve right away, and it’s zero Weight Watchers points. I mean, probably, right? That’s what I tell myself when I’m eating it off my own mouth anyways.

Take your exfoliator, a little bit of warm water, and gently scrub your lips in circular motions. Scrub them until they feel nice and smooth. Sometimes, if my lips are especially chewed up, I’ll apply more lip balm and come back and exfoliate again a few hours later.

STEP THREE – It’s just you and me. (Me, in this case, is your chapstick.)

After you’ve given your lips a rough, but loving exfoliation, you need to apply more moisturizer. They’ll be super soft and pillowy, so now is when you want to use something good, and not something that dries out your lips. My very favorite lip moisturizer is Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment. It’s a little higher priced, but since I started using it, my lips have never been so consistently soft, even when I’m not wearing it. Smith’s Rosebud Salve is also a really great product. It’s only $6, and you can use it on your cuticles too. Whatever you use, slather it on those smooth kissy lips!

STEP FOUR – I can give you more…opportunities to wear dramatic lip colors!

I do this moisturize/exfoliate thing about once a week. Sometimes, in the shower, I’ll just run whatever face exfoliator I’m using over my lips while they’re soft from the warm water. The trick is to make it a part of your regular routine. The couple of minutes of hands on time is worth it for how good it makes your lips feel, and for the joy of putting on a hot lip color and having it not look like shit.

STEP FIVE – Don’t you know that the time has arrived.




(L to R: my boyfriend, Jordan, Monkeyface, poor Jonathan, Ugh. Donnie)

General, Links

Accidental Throwback Thursday

This piece, “20 Beauty and Style Mistakes I Made In My 20s (That I’m Ditching Now That I’m In My 30s)” by Emily McCombs over on xoJane is grossly, embarrassingly accurate.

I’ve never in my life been afraid of lipstick (#13), but numbers 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 10, 11, 12, 15, 18, 19, and 20 are the ugly stories of my 20s.

Let’s break it down:


Cons: Skinny eyebrows, too much foundation, no blush, too short bangs, picture so old it was in an actual dusty photo album

Pros: Red lipstick, cool rep from smoking

Conclusion: It didn’t matter as much back then if my eyebrows were too thin because I had them young boobs. Thank GOD I learned my lessons though. A lot of those mistakes don’t age well.


BODY-ODY-ODY, Maintenance

Trader Joe’s Prenatal Vitamins

I am not pregnant. In fact, I’m drunk right now!

Just kidding!

I’m high.

On life.

And drugs.

And these vitamins*!

I learned about them from Mindy Kaling. My good, personal, imaginary friend, Mindy Kaling.

Mindy says:

“Not only will they scare the shit out of your boyfriend if he visits your house, it will make your hair grow faster, thicker, and keep your skin glow-y and smooth.”

Beautiful hair AND a funny prank all in one bottle? Yes, please!

Before I started taking these, I had never finished a bottle of vitamins in my life. After I started taking them, and found out she was right on all counts, plus they do great things for your nails, AND they helped with my chronic anemia (I’m so precious and delicate, like an antique Taylor Swift doll), I gulped them down and bought more!

Thanks, my so-close-we’re-actually-more-like-sisters friend, Mindy! See you at brunch on Sunday with our other best friends; Tina Fey, Poehlcat, Julie Klausner, RuPaul and Adele.


*These vitamins won’t actually get you high. Sorry.


Seche Vite Dry Fast Top Coat



You know that thing where you do your nails, wait a couple hours, then go to bed because you think they’re dry, and in the morning you wake up to find out you were wrong, you wasted all that time, and now your nails look terrible so you just cry out of sheer frustration because it’s like WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THIS MY LIFE?

You know what I’m talking about?

It sucks, right?

There is a solution. A real solution. You already know you can’t sleep with your hands perfectly still on top of your blankets, so it’s not that. It’s not ice water (that gets you gummy smudged nails), it’s not olive oil (that gets you greasy smudged nails), it’s not cooking spray (see olive oil), it’s not even those old timey nail dryers like the one I had when I was 12.

It’s Seche Vite Dry Fast Top Coat.

I’ve been using this top coat ever since the first time my mom brought it home from the beauty supply when I was in high school. It’s very shiny, super strong, chip resistant, and it dries your nails so fast that I don’t even remember the last time I had sheet marks in my mani. I love this top coat so much, I take it to the salon with me when I get my nails done.


I got this manicure done, using Seche Vite, on the morning of May 3rd. That’s almost two weeks of washing dishes, showering, typing, chewing on my cuticles, night terrors (COBRAS!), and dog scratching. I have a little growth at the top, and some minor tip wear, but overall, it’s still pretty intact. And from far away? They look really good!

If you’re like me, you don’t get gel polish because you want the option to change your nails frequently. AND, if you’re like me, you also want the option to just be lazy and let your nails go for a long time without them looking completely disgusting. This top coat, with its fast dry time and long wearing finish, is a really great alternative to gel coats and shellac type manicures.

I can’t recommend it enough. Like I said, it’s not a new product, I’ve been using it for years, but I don’t feel like I should rest until everyone knows it exists.

Buy this top coat HERE.

Damn, that’s a good price too! It’s usually twice that!


Baby’s First Giveaway


It’s finally giveaway time! I have two pore cleansing pads, and two body butters. That’s enough for four winners! That increases your odds of winning something!

I’ve never done a giveaway before, and it’s already going great!

Man. Everything is going great! It’s only been a week into this, and we’ve hit over a thousand views! I’m tempted to be really excited, except I’m afraid that’s not actually a lot and I’m just getting worked up over nothing. I keep asking Jason if that’s a lot, and he says encouraging things, but he never says, “Yeah! That’s a lot! You’re internet famous now, baby. You did it! Collect your internet money, and let’s retire.” So, I don’t know!


I’m excited! If I wasn’t slaying the beauty blog game, would I have received this prestigious award?


Yeah. See what I mean? They don’t hand these out to just anybody!

I couldn’t have done it without you guys. And since a compliment for me, is a compliment for you, we’re all winners! I’ll hold the award here, at my house.

Don’t worry though, there are still more prizes to give out! Just leave a comment on this post, and you’re entered to win one of the four products. If you share this on Facebook or Twitter, leave another comment, let me know (link to it if you can), and you’ll get another entry! My lovely assistant and I will choose the winners on Friday.

Easy peasy, lemon squeezies!

Good luck, and don’t fuck it up.


This contest has ended. 

Eyeshadow, Urban Decay

Urban Decay Moondust Eyeshadow Diamond Dog


Cher, makeup by Kevyn Aucoin

This photo of Cher has been hurting my feelings with how beautiful it is since the beginning of the new Willenium. The glossy effect is done using petroleum jelly. That’s cool for a photo shoot, but way gross for real life. I’ve tried it out of curiosity, and it didn’t go well.

I thought about this look when I saw Urban Decay’s Moondust Eyeshadow in Diamond Dog at Sephora.

diamond dog

Moondust Eyeshadow in Diamond Dog, $20

Honestly, I just think about Cher a lot. She’s one of my beauty idols. She took her unconventional beauty and became a STAR.

Urban Decay describes this color as, “deep brown with white-gold sparkle.” The shadow is very pigmented, it can be applied wet or dry, and you can build it from a sheer wash to a deep, smoldering color. This makes it a great color for day, or night. I was worried about the “sparkle,” since UD’s shadows aren’t always easy to work with because of the large chunks of glitter. As a semi-responsible contacts wearer (they’re old, but I keeps ’em clean), I know glitter fallout can feel like someone dumped a handful of gravel into your eyes. However, the glitter is so fine, and the shadow is so silky, it applies beautifully with surprisingly minimal fallout. I wore this over Urban Decay’s primer during an unseasonably hot evening out, and even though I was dancing, drinking and sweating, and it didn’t go anywhere. I did have a little sprinkling of the fine glitter drop into my eyelashes over the course of the night, but it wasn’t too bad.

Diamond Dog

Diamond Dog on the lid, Urban Decay’s Bootycall on the brow bone

Yeesh. It’s going to take some time to get used to these up close photo of my own face.

This shadow is so lovely and multi dimensional, it was hard to get all the depth to show. Rest assured, it is flat out gorgeous from every angle.

Due to the shimmer in the shadow, Diamond Dog will apply best with a damp brush, or over something with a tacky or adhesive base, like a primer or a makeup epoxy.

The beauty of a Cher inspired eyeshadow job, with none of the Vaseline-in-your-eye side effects!


Manic Monday

That’s maybe the most cliched title for a Monday morning post, but I’m still finishing my coffee. Plus, the only other option I could think of was, “Morning Wood,” and that doesn’t even make sense. Unless you have a boner, maybe? If you have a boner right this second, I’m sorry I didn’t use that title instead. That would have been funny for us!

Did everyone have a good weekend? Did you all go out and look so fucking hot?

I bet you did. You sexy beasts.

I spent most of the weekend wrapped in ugly double carpal tunnel braces. I’m more machine than man! I’m a monster! Someone should make a wrist brace that’s easy to text in, and doesn’t look like shit. I’d buy two!

Enough of that! Am I running an orthopedic brace blog? What am I doing? Shut up, Sarah!

Here’s a look at some other stuff I’m doing this week:



I have an eyeshadow review coming up in just a bit, and we’ll kick off the giveaway today too. I’m so excited!! I might let my lab assistant pick the numbers out of a hat. She doesn’t have thumbs, but she makes up for it in personality.


We have bare faces in this photo, but we are not ashamed!

TGIF, Upcoming


It’s Friday night and the MOOD IS RIGHT, Y’AAAALL!

I wanted to find the clip from Full House where D.J. wins a radio contest and everyone goes to see the Beach Boys, but I watched this instead:

Jesse Cochrane-Katsopolis is BEST FRIENDS FOREVER with the Beach Boys. Seems to me like maybe they shouldn’t have had to win tickets to go to their show? Did Uncle Jesse put a bunch of hot babes on the list instead of his family?

I got way distracted by that video!

I was originally looking for that D.J. clip to let you guys know I got some prizes for my first product giveaway! We’re going to kick that off on Monday. I’m so excited!!

Thanks for reading this week!

Sarah xx

All Skate!

First Beauty Memories

My first beauty memory is of being, like, 5 or 6, and sitting at my fancy grandma’s cosmetics littered vanity while she put straight gold glitter on my eyelids. She had tons of fur coats, red talon-like nails, a whole room for wigs, and I thought she was the most glamorous fucking thing I’d ever seen.

She wasn’t the best grandma, maternal instinct wise, but she was the best grandma at letting a 6 year old wear diamond rings and eat shrimp cocktail.

What’s your first beauty memory?

Maintenance, Nails

Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids

I wasn’t joking about showing you the Band-Aids I use to cover my poor fingers. The one with the gold chains is my favorite! I wish I could get a whole box of just those.

When I was a kid, my mom made a deal with me that if I quit chewing my nails, she’d take me to get them professionally done. So, I moved on from gnawing on my nails and started picking at my cuticles instead. My fingies have hurt a lot over these last 20-something years, but I got my manicure, dammit. Neon green. Because it was the muthafuckin’ 80s, and I was 8, and I was RAD.

P.S. Please resist the urge to photoshop dicks into my hands.