Did you used to have a signature Bath & Body Works scent?

You did. Everyone did!

Mine was “Night Blooming Jasmine.” It smelled SO GOOD; like jasmine and lilacs and musk. At the height of my daily addiction, I would use the shower gel, cover myself from high boobs to toes with the lotion, and give myself a generous mist of the body spray. Then, I’d straighten out my little Bettie Page bangs, maybe put some spiked chopsticks in my hair (this was the early 2000s), and I’d take it all out into the world. I was barely 21, mostly drunk, smellin’ nice and looking for dudes.

Lucky for me, dudes really liked this stuff.

Now, they might have just liked my general “ready to mingle” attitude, and the aforementioned high boobs. But, in my body spray’s defense, upon first meeting me, hardly anyone ever said, “Man. You slut it up so good.” No. They said, “You smell really good. Like, really good.”

It happened so often, if such a thing existed at the time, I would have gone over to the Bath & Body Works site and written a review for this scent that just said, “WANG MAGNET. 4 STARS.”

When the unthinkable happened, and they discontinued the scent, I was totally crushed. I ran through a bunch of their other offerings, but I never liked anything else as much. So, that was that.

Until, all of a sudden, 10 years later, I could order Night Blooming Jasmine from their site. I was so fucking stoked! I bought all the pieces of my old regimen (you know the drill, buy 3, get 2 free), sat back, and dreamed about the day my order would show up and I could seduce my husband with how good I smelled.

The second it came, I immediately knew it was a bad idea. Opening that jasmine scented package was like lifting up the lid on some old haunted jewelry box and having the ghost of my most embarrassing former self jump out. I rubbed on a little of the lotion, and there she was; with her underwear in her furry leopard purse, slept on eye makeup and Lucky Strikes mouth.

I couldn’t wear it. It wasn’t me anymore! It had been so long since the last time I’d smelled it, I just assumed I’d still love it. Instead, in an it-all-came-rushing-back moment, the scent brought up so many old memories, it literally made my stomach turn. It was fucking gross.

It was a relief to return it; I didn’t even want it in my house.

It’s not like that period of my life was a nightmare. It was just so long ago. Like any other distinguishable time in my life, it had its good moments (running wild with my BFF, my superhuman Mad Dog 20/20* drinking skills), and its bad moments (any time I picked up my phone to hear someone’s secret girlfriend yelling at me, the night I learned about peppermint schnapps). It’s fun to relive those times in your mind, but it’s a different thing to add in a sensory memory. It makes you remember exactly what you felt like. It’s a trip.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.

I hate the blue kind of mint gum too because my sophomore year boyfriend chewed it nonstop, and now, when I chew it, I only taste a 17 year old boy’s sticky mouth on mine.

That was just a long story about another product to bring you to the product I really want to talk about: LUSH’s Lust Perfume.

I was just playing around at LUSH one day, rubbing the lotion on the skin, and I found Lust by accident. I’m still such a sucker for jasmine, but nothing ever came close to the love I had for that Bath & Body Works body spray until I randomly ran across this perfume.

LUSH describes Lust as “a heady mash-up of rich florals and a warm, woody base” with notes of  jasmine, ylang ylang, rose, vanilla and sandalwood. It is deliciously, unashamedly sexy without smelling like an old lady perfume. To me, it smells sexy like sitting out on some secret jasmine garden patio in Morocco** on an old colorful rug, topless (but you know, classy, with my hair covering my boobs), and smoking a joint. Floral and musky and exotic like that.

I sprayed some on my arm to find out how it would react with my skin, left to do some other shopping, and found myself constantly bringing my arm up to my nose, taking a big whiff and going, “MMMMM!!!” It was love at first sniff. The perfume itself was gorgeous, and the way it smelled on me was divine. Finding Lust was such an awesome, cosmic occurrence. It was like running across my grown up self just sitting on a shelf, waiting for me. It’s so perfect, I brought it home, and it’s my new signature scent.

Please don’t buy this if you know me in real life.

Unlike Night Blooming Jasmine, it’s a scent that suits who I am now. NBJ me was cool, but she was very unattached, super young and pretty dumb. Lust me is older, smarter (ehhh? I don’t get into cars with strangers anymore, I guess), and married.

Like, I still want to do ho shit, but I do ho shit in a different context now.

So, these days, I spray Lust all over my not-as-high-but-still-rocking boobs, fix up my bangs free*** hair (I’m almost 2 years bangs sober), and climb all over Jason.

They say you can’t turn a ho into a housewife, I say you can’t spell housewife without ho.

*Go ahead and do a Google Image Search for “Mad Dog 20/20” if you want to barf.

**Is this what Morocco is like? I have no idea. If it isn’t, please don’t tell me.

***I still love bangs so much. After 15 years with them though, I felt like I was stuck in a rut. I am still your bangs sister. Always and forever.