All Skate!, TGIF

My Post of Many Topics

I don’t have much today. It’s been kind of a slow week around here, actually.

Jason has been in Austin since Monday, and I thought that would mean I’d get so much work done, but it really means I just wander around bored and watch “Mermaids.” I have been dealing with trying to figure out which smoke detector is chirping since Sunday night, so that’s been keeping me pretty busy. It’s never the first one you rip off the wall…..

I’ve started to revert to my feral single life again! I keep eating Cheerios for meals that aren’t breakfast, I’m talking to myself and the dog like we’re 3 different people, I have a burglar beater next to the bed, and I’m scared of slipping in the shower. Plus, my husband has become really funny and charming again, so you know I’ve been without DAT D for a while now.

YEEZUS FUCK WHICH ONE OF THESE THINGS IS CHIRPING?!?!

Serenity now. Jason will be home later today to reach all of them, and I can move on with my life.

I wanted to do a Friday I’m in Love today, but my photo backdrop keeps falling off the wall, so I said, “FUCK THIS,” and just left it down. On top of that hazardous condition, I’m trying to get myself on a new eyebrow threading schedule, so I’m a mess. I kept going to get my brow and lip threading done when I was on my period, and that’s, like, the WORST time to do that kind of thing. It hurts way more. So, for the sake of my face, I sacrificed my face. I’m really pretty brave, if  you think about it.

Since I don’t have anything of substance today, can I just show you a bunch of random semi-beauty related stuff? Yes? Good!

babewolf

I bought this rad “Babewolf” sticker for myself from Sara M. Lyons, and slapped it on my laptop. I fucking love this sticker. Her armpits really speak to me. I need her to make some kind of bunny girl to balance out the other side!

I just found this art she did too, and I feel dizzy, like if I don’t own something, ANYTHING with this on it, my life will always be a little worse.

in lux we trust

MY GUY

I’ll name a baby Lux. I swear I’ll do it.

crayon lipstick

Here’s THIS weird and cool looking tutorial on xovain about making your own lipstick out of crayons. I’ve never even considered that before, but it’s interesting. I’d like one of you craftier readers to do this, and tell me how it goes. I don’t want to do it, I’m not that ambitious, and I only have one stainless steel bowl.

What else we got?

Oh. My oldest niece is suddenly totally grown up. She’s sending me emails, with old photos of myself attached, that say “I LOVE YOUR HAIR.”

blond sarah

This is what happens when you work in a salon. Some days are slow, and you end up with blonde hair. It’s bizarre, right? I always wanted to try my hair like that though, so I went for it. Whoops! My dark eyebrows under there look TERRIBLE. I was like, “Madonna can pull off black eyebrows with platinum hair, why not me?” Why not you? Umm. I can think of lots of reasons, Past Sarah. How about, reason number one, you’re not Madonna. I can’t even believe I’m putting this picture on here. I’m clearly in a hotel, I’m not wearing makeup, and I look like a freak. The saddest part is, this is the best picture of me with my hair like this that I’ve ever seen. I don’t know where she got it! It’s weird to see old photos of yourself you’ve seen before, right? This blonde left my hair such a gross mess. I was always itchy because little pieces of hair were always breaking off, and when I’d wash it, it’d get wet and just streeeeeeetch and sort of semi-melt. My hair was thrashed. I do wish I’d taken the opportunity to dye it a bright blue though before I went back to a natural color. Missed that chance, Past Sarah! From getting in the car with strangers in Vegas, to not dyeing your hair a great color when you had a blank slate, to doing crystal, you always make the wrong decision! You’re a reeeeal fuck up, Past Sarah. Lucky for you, Present Sarah is very generous with her forgiveness, and willing to put the past behind her.

stila teaser

Oh! My new Birchbox came this week, and it’s the best box yet. I got a full size eyeliner, a deluxe Stila lipstick sample, a hair product I’ve been dying to try, and a bunch of other cool stuff. I’ll try to have the full review for you guys on Monday. Until then, that’s a not great photo of the Stila color I got. I LOVE IT.

pool party rowdy

CHILLIN

I took Rowdy to a friend’s house to go swimming the other day, and we had a great time! Turns out, she likes being in the pool! I held her, and all her little arms and legs were just floating in the water, while she had her eyes closed and her face turned towards the sun. When I tried to put her back on the concrete, she didn’t even try to help. She wanted to stay in the pool! She’s so crazy.

For real though, the very best thing that happened this week was an actual super awesome thing; FLOSS GLOSS retweeted one of my polish reviews. That’s the first time a beauty brand has done that, and it was VERY RAD!!!

What’s up with you guys this week? Did you have any past beauty experiments that you just had to get out of your system at least once? Is your past self a giant idiot too? Do you know which one of my smoke detectors is going off? HEY. WHAT’S GOING ON?

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Links, Personal, TGIF

2 CRAZY 2 B 4GOTTEN

Hey! If you’re interested in freaking out, go spend your Friday over at Fuck Yeah Nostalgic Beauty Products.

I absolutely had this taped to my bedroom wall.

Still use it. There’s one on my nightstand right now.

OHMYGODICANSMELLIT.

Kept it in my backpack! Took it to school! Reapplied between classes! Gross!

This turned my scalp into a giant scab. But, I kept using it to smell like I fit in.

“Excellent…”

Isn’t it great?!?! Are you roughly my age and can smell and taste nearly EVERYTHING they post?! What’s that about?! Pretty cool/sick, right?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Doesn’t make me feel weird or uncomfortable or transported back to high school or anything! Hormones sure were crazy, huh?! Nope. I’m not sick to my stomach/horny at all right now! And that is definitely not how I could sum up my entire teenage experience! Hahaha! What are we talking about??

I’m going to put on some Mazzy Star and lie down. Maybe do some positive affirmations….

I am 31….I do not have algebra today….I have a permanent boyfriend….nobody really does 3-way calling anymore….

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Personal, TGIF, Video

Too Funky

I mentioned this video was my origin story in a previous post, and it’s THE TRUTH. When the light hits Linda at the beginning, and she throws her head back on that looong neck, I was born. When Emma comes out in that Thierry Mugler motorcycle corset, I died. And when Julie Newmar hits the runway, I was brought back to life.

My insides are going all shimmering wobbly just thinking about it, and I literally just watched the video half an hour ago.

Glamour and camp all rolled into one amazing package, I was mesmerized every time. I’m STILL mesmerized every time. I didn’t realize it then, but the video infected 11 year old me with a love of fashion, beauty and impossibly long necks forever. There was no way I was ever going to be a 90’s supermodel, but I could pretend! To this day, every hallway is my catwalk, and I will spin in my robe, like Tyra, forever and ever always AMEN.

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TGIF

Weak Week

It’s finally the freakin’ weekend. Here’s a cute picture of my lab assistant in her natural environment.

rowdycostamesa

WHAT!? STOP. SO CUTE!

Blerg, you guys. I feel like I’ve been dealing with random beauty mishaps all week. You know how stupid little things just build up and get annoying? That’s where I am right now. Just…annoyed.

On Monday, I went to get my eyebrows done, and my girl wasn’t there. Because it was an emergency (my eyebrows looked bad), I let one of the other ladies do it, and she did them too thin but still managed to leave a bunch of hair that needed to be removed.

Then, I had to make the decision to dump my new conditioner because I thought it was making my hair look dull and feel like a matted pile of old, shitty hay. I washed my hair that night, didn’t condition it in the shower, and then I used my Fekkai Pot de Creme to try and condition it when I got out. That worked ok, except for WHOOPS, I gave myself a couple of giant chin zits from having the leave-in conditioner on my hair in the night.

After that happened with the zits, I went to the beauty supply to get a new, regular conditioner. I bought my new conditioner, some cuticle nippers, and a few other things I needed. Later that evening, I got the nippers out of their little pouch to clean them and they had nail dust and cuticle bits stuck to the point, and exfoliating lotion on the handle. Fucking gross Outbreak nippers! I had to take them back to the beauty supply, and the girl was trying to tell me that’s just how some of them are, and I was like, WHATEVER. I am not trying to catch Outbreak from some dirty ass tools.

I was going to run this really gorgeous gold polish, but it’s sold out now. I really wanted you guys to see it. I guess I can still show you.

filthyrichdiptych

I sent an email trying to find out if the color was coming back, but I haven’t been able to find out. Hopefully, I’ll hear something and I can post the full review. Because what’s the point if you guys can’t buy it, right?

Oh. I’ve also been trying that Clear Scalp and Hair Therapy Shampoo. It promises stronger, more beautiful hair and a healthier scalp in 7 days. Based on how my experience has gone so far, I’m hoping you get that awesome hair and scalp when you grow a new scalp and hair after your old scalp completely flakes off and all your old hair falls out; because that’s where I am right now. So, things with that shampoo are either going really great or really terrible.

I’m listening to RuPaul right now, and trying to center myself. I’m going to do some Zen breathing and remind myself I’m the SUPERMODEL OF THE WORLD and all this other shit is just lame and ordinary.

In conclusion, this week can eat it.

 

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All Skate!, TGIF

Suggestion Box

suggestion

I went to Sephora yesterday, and I didn’t know what to buy. I wandered around forever, poking my fingers at things, until I found something.

Then, I went to MAC, and I was there for 5 seconds before they were ringing me up.

There are so many options, I get analysis paralysis! What do you want to see? Do you want to see exclusively new products? Do you want to see my old standbys? Are there any products or questions you’d like to see covered here?

Please don’t ask, “Why do you suck so much?” or “How dare you?”

ALL SKATE, YOU GUYS. PUT DOWN YOUR SPRITE, EVERYONE ONTO THE RINK!

 

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All Skate!, TGIF

Tease Tease

My “Hair” board on Pinterest is FULL of pictures like this:

tease tease

Photo: The New York Times

Totally sexual and cool, big 60s hair is one of my very favorite styles.

TOO BAD I COULDN’T TEASE MY HAIR IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

I’ve read countless tutorials, watched tons of videos, and even had my hairdresser/buddy show me how to do it on own head. Nothing ever helps! Sometimes, I’ll think I got it, but then I go to smooth hair over, and no, I don’t have it. I NEVER have it. I’ll tease and spray and tease and spray and it never works. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but whatever it is, it’s the key to undoing the entire thing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go with some other thrown together style at the last minute because I’m sweating and near tears, Jason is ready to go, and we’re late for a wedding, or whatever. It fucking sucks and it ruins my vision for my look.

It’s especially frustrating because it seems like teasing is pretty basic. I can’t French braid either, so that ruins all the other hair ideas I have pinned. I’ll just be standing in front of the bathroom mirror, teasing or braiding, until my arms feel like they’re going to fall off, and the result is always the same; a head full of knots and a FURIOUS me.

I’m not giving up though! I’m going to get it one day, dammit!

What about you? Are there any beauty styles or looks that you JUST CAN’T GET? Can you teach me to French braid? Should I just give it up and figure out another way to do my hair? Am I completely dumb for not being able to figure these things out?

Let’s chat, darlings!

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All Skate!, TGIF

Beauty Confessions

It’s been a long week for me down here at the old blog mill…

When you’re the boss of your own pretend job, it’s too easy to make yourself work unusual hours. Crazy, inhumane hours like, 2:30 AM – 6:00 AM, or 4:15 AM – 7:00 AM. Hours when I should be dreaming about doing it with Louis CK (more pleasant than you would think), or fighting with teenaged girls (exactly as horrible as you would think).

Also, I’ve been making some extra money working double time on the seduction line.

Needless to say, I’ve got a case of the Fridays. That’s like a case of the Mondays, except for instead of not wanting to do anything on a Monday, you don’t want to do anything on a Friday. I had a case of the Wednesdays too, but it was less severe.

*****

Annnnyways. It was during one of those early morning blog shifts, when I was thinking about the post I’d read about beauty mistakes we make while we’re first learning how to self style, that I got inspired me to write a post about my own cringeworthy mistakes. But, now, I want to know yours!

I know you guys were out there with crunchy hair and too much eyeliner.

tarareid

That loose boob is the best thing she has going on here.

Come on! Spill those beauty confessions!

 

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