Maintenance, Masks

Origins Drink Up Mask

originsdrinkup

Origins Drink Up 10 Minute Mask, $23

I am thrilled to announce that I have not lost my streak for spontaneity in my old age. Where ten years ago, I was getting into cars with strange dudes in unfamiliar cities; today, I am pushing back my nap because I randomly found a mask sample in a Sephora bag.

Unfortunately, the mask experiment didn’t end as well as the rides with strange dudes.

I’m not saying every ride with every stranger ended well. But, at least none of them ended up with burning and redness like this ride with an unknown mask did.

The consistency was cool and creamy, like a very thick fluid moisturizer. I had such high hopes while I was smoothing it onto my poor, dry cheeks. I was imagining the moment I would rinse off the remaining product to reveal my dewy, hydrated skin. Then, I was going to take my beautiful visage out into the world, so everyone at Von’s could be blessed by the otherworldly glow emanating from my face. I was really going to do a lot of good for a lot of people….

Instead, immediately after I finished congratulating my future self on her beautiful skin, I started to feel a burning under the mask. Moisturizers, in any form, should feel soothing! They shouldn’t hurt. This hurt! I kept at it though, because, shit, I don’t know, I always do. After all, one of my beauty mantras is, “If it burns, it’s working.” That’s patently misguided, ok for hair dye and peels, and absurd for a moisturizing mask. Not ok.

The instructions said to rinse off any remaining product after 10 minutes. I made it about 7. I’m stubborn, but not to the point that I’d burn off my own face.

After I rinsed my face, I did a thorough inspection. My dry patches were slightly less rough, but now my entire face felt raw and tender. I did not have a beautiful glow, and I did not look like I had been photoshopped by baby angels. I looked exactly the same, but pinker.

What the fuck, Origins?! This is the third time you’ve done me dirty. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m a big idiot, I guess.

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Nails

White Noise

Years and years ago, the first time I asked my homegirl/manicurist/salon coworker to do my nails white, she told me no. She told me it was going to look ugly, and that she didn’t want to have any part of it. We had disagreements like this all the time. When she finally did it, after I swore she’d bear no responsibility for the outcome, she looked at my AWESOME nails and had to admit they looked dope as hell. Like, a month later, I randomly found a little blurb in a magazine about white nails being a new trend to watch for, and I was all, “I TOLD YOU! IN YO FACE!” So gracious, as usual.

I love to do my nails white. I encourage other people to do their nails white. I think it looks just as cool as my good old favorite nail color, black.

Last week, I had an upcoming nail appointment, and I was trying to figure out what I was going to have done. I saw this photo of Kate Moss for Vogue UK June 2013, and I knew I wanted my nails like that!

kate

I had my nails did professionally, but you can tackle the look at home. Doing your nails like this does involve more patience than most other colors. It’s really easy to end up with streaky or chalky nails. You really have to be careful to apply your polish a little on the thick side and very evenly, letting it dry in between coats.

Making my nails look like Kate’s is about the best I can do. I’m not even saying I can get my fingers to look like hers. I am saying just the nails. Her hands are all graceful and skinny; I am working with los chorizo fingers.

Observe.

white nails

Pretty cool, right? Please don’t look at the ugly damage I’ve nervously picked into the sides of my fingers. Ignore that completely. That doesn’t concern you!

Coming soon: The cute Cynthia Rowley Band-Aids I had to buy to cover my gross fingers, so I’ll leave them alone FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

For some reason, white nails can befuddle some manicurists. A friend recently told me that when she asked for an all white manicure at a chop shop, they were confused that she didn’t mean she wanted a French manicure. A FRENCH MANICURE?! WHAT?! WHY?!

I mean, THAT is a confusing choice.

Make it happen! Sally Hansen White Out, $2.99

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General

SPARKLE, Sarah, SPARKLE!

xx

We launched this site out into the world today! *Xanax break!*

I’m super excited, pretty nervous, really thankful that I have a husband who’s super good at computers, and feeling so loved by all the support my friends have shown. I love every comment, “Like,” retweet and “Share.” I love that nobody told me I should keep my day job.

My day job is television. I play Bejeweled part time, in the evenings.

For years, I’ve bounced back and forth between my two loves – beauty and writing. Always thinking the two were mutually exclusive, I felt I couldn’t pursue either interest full time without having to let go of the other one. Feeling like a Jo AND an Amy, I’ve never been able to choose between the two! As a kid, I would flip back and forth between what I perceived as “looks” or “brains.” Wanting both, but feeling like I had to choose one. In the same year in elementary school, I wrote a book about frogs in love with my best friend (“Rainy Days, Froggy Nights”), and a paper on Helena Rubenstein.

I hated feeling like I couldn’t be smart without rejecting beauty culture, and I hated feeling like I couldn’t love beauty without being “dumb.”

Eventually, I realized these things I love are equally important parts of me. The same reverence I hold for a new notebook, is the same reverence I hold for my Kevyn Aucoin books. I’ve failed at other blogs just the same as I failed as an esthetician.

So, there I was. When faced with the option of trying to build a business as a makeup artist or, buckling down and trying to write the things I wanted to write; I’d put together a full kit of makeup brushes one day, and set up a new blog the next. I’d look up makeup artistry classes in one tab, and creative writing classes in another. I was spinning my wheels and getting on my own nerves! Plus, when I don’t have a creative outlet, I get bored. When I get bored, I get tricky. When I’m tricky, things are crazy for Jason.

I am so happy to realize I don’t have to choose. I am so excited to be able to pour my love of words all over my love of FACE. I’ve been having so much fucking fun!

Thanks for reading! Keep your fingers crossed for me, I love self-sabotage!

And television! Fuck, I love television!

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Maintenance

Eyebrow Beat

Threading

BAM! EYEBROWS!

When I was in beauty school, our poor, old, overwhelmed instructor, Miss Lupe, told us that you can’t give someone an arch in their eyebrows that they don’t have.

Miss Lupe never met Amani.

Amani is totally beautiful, sort of quiet, and a fucking eyebrow threading artist. Every 2 weeks to a month, depending on how lazy I am and what my social calendar looks like, I go to Amani. I get in her chair, follow her instructions, and for $10, she takes her spool of thread and shows my caterpillar eyebrows and shameful mustache no mercy. As long as I don’t have to wait for her to finish someone else, I can be out of there in under ten minutes with a smooth upper lip, and two beautifully arched eyebrows. Eyebrows so fucking on point, they could only have been crafted by a gifted expert. She’s so good, she’s made an evangelist out of me.

Giving up waxing for threading is one of the smartest beauty decisions I’ve ever made.

Like, it maybe even ranks in my Top Five Best Life Decisions:

  1. Anytime I ever said, “I think I’m gonna stop drinking tonight.”
  2. When I decided to quit my telemarketing job. It was actually crushing my soul.
  3. Threading.
  4. Letting Jason touch my boobs on our first date. NAILED IT.
  5. Cymbalta!

Going to beauty school, and working in salons, I’ve seen layers of skin ripped off, burns of all sizes and severities, eyebrows almost completely taken off, and I was once witness to a very unfortunately ended men’s brazilian. I’VE HAD HOT WAX DROPPED IN MY EYE. Who among us hasn’t had a hole put in their eyebrow by an overzealous friend, or inexperienced salon employee? It’s dangerous out there for your face!

It’s really nice to take that possibility of getting maimed off the table.

Obviously, there are varying levels of talent and expertise to be found in threading salons (salons? parlors? what?). But, every rando thread job I’ve had was met with far less anxiety than my trips to an unknown wax provider.

I still fuck with waxing when it’s winter time, and I can let my leg hair really get wild. Of course, waxing my underarms is a year round fave. But, it would literally be idiotic for me to go back to waxing for my face.

It’s like the old saying goes, “Once you go thread, you’ll always be in bed. Because you’ll be so hot, everyone will want to do it with you.” Right? Yes? Yes.

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Bargain Beauty, BODY-ODY-ODY

Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter

I am a lotion serial killer. I stalk my prey up and down the aisles at Target, and the shelves at Sephora. Searching, searching, always searching for the perfect one; the perfect victim to fulfill my insatiable need for impossibly silky, glowing skin. My house is where bottles of lotion go to die.

Well, not die exactly. More like, my house is where lotions go to get used for a week, before languishing in a cabinet for years, until I finally break down and throw them away. It’s cruel, really. Off the top of my head, I can think of 8 lotions or body oils shoved into various places around the house. I’m always trying to pawn old lotions off on Jason with a wink, but he doesn’t want them either. Some people are so wasteful!

That was all in my former life though…..

coconut-body-butter

THANK THE LAWD, I HAVE BEEN REHABILITATED.

From the Trader Joe’s site:

“This is a thick, smooth, buttery, body cream that’s made with pure coconut oil and other natural, skin-soothing ingredients, like aloe vera, shea butter and vitamin E. It absorbs into your skin very quickly, and doesn’t leave it feeling oily. So whether you have eczema, dry skin or just like to keep your skin feeling soft and fresh, our Coconut Body Butter is healing, gentle, and restorative.”

I always read stuff like this, fall in love with the sound of it, imagine all the ways my life will be different, run out and buy the product, then get super disappointed, never return it, aaaand the cycle starts all over again. That is not this. This right hurr is completely true copy. Not only does it completely deliver on all those promises, it smells amazing! I hate fake, overly sweet fragrances, but this lotion hits the perfect spot on the vanilla spectrum. Like, it smells like how creamy, homemade coconut pudding eaten on a beach in the Bahamas would taste. I guess? PLUS, it only costs FIVE FUCKING DOLLARS! I’m working on my third jar right now!

Full disclosure: I *did* have a relapse after I finished the first jar. I had a quick obsession with almond oil, that ultimately turned disastrous. I’d oil up after my shower, toss around like a greasy lint roller in our bed all night, and wake up with everyone’s detritus stuck to my skin. Chihuahua hair, my hair, Jason’s beard hairs, pubes maybe (we sleep “European”), random crud!! FUCKING GROSSS, RIGHT? YES, TOTALLY SICK! It was making me break out! The almond oil was just not a good fit for our super sheddy lifestyle. Plus, I took a look at the ingredients one day, and the first one was peanut oil! Pass.

Why was I still looking for another lotion? “Oh, this lotion makes my skin totally soft, even on the nights I’m too lazy to put it on before bed, all my chronically dry patches are clearing up, it’s basically my perfect product. It’s probably what Rihanna smells like. But, that’s ok! I’ll try something else!” What is wrong with me?! I have a condition!

So, back to the Trader Joe’s I went!

  • truffle cheese
  • crazy beers
  • generic Pirate’s Booty
  • coconut lotion

Now, all is right with my lotion world again. As long as Trader Joe’s keeps making this body butter, I’ll keep buying it.

Shit. It has just occurred to me that Trader Joe’s has a long history of discontinuing products as soon as I’ve fallen in love with them. This could be a big problem. I have to stock up fast! I’m going to corner the market on Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter Duke bros. style!

The Dukes

That’s how the stock market works, right? I can force them to keep making it? Something, something, supply and demand?

Hopefully, this lotion and I will be together for a very long time. It really is making my thigh bumps life better!

Looking good, me!

Looking good!

Feeling good, me!

feeling good

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Makeovers

The Basketcase

I’m all for a good makeover montage, (Helloooo Tai!), but Allison Reynolds looked way cooler with all that “black shit” under her eyes than she did after Claire got ahold of her. That headband was heinous.

However…

claire

Claire’s lipsticked mouth is a thing of beauty forever and ever, amen.

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Bargain Beauty, Beauty Tools

Sephora Precision Pore Cleansing Pad

Good skin has always come pretty easy for me. Fat ass? Yes. Ugly armpits? The struggle. Do my nail beds suck? I guess. But, the good skin was there, so I was lucky.

Lucky until the year of my 30th birthday.

All of a sudden, my face flipped on me. I had big, gross, scaly dry patches on my cheeks, a pimply forehead and overall dull skin. It looked terrible. I was a monster. I ran through tons of different skincare lines trying to clear up my garbage face before finally caving and buying a Clarisonic. The Clarisonic was an expensive dream come true! It worked so well, I really felt like it was going to be the key to everything.

*Cue my legendary laziness*

It’s soooo fucking hard to remember to take that thing into the shower with me! And that was back when we only had one bathroom. Now, the Clarisonic lives on a counter in one bathroom, but I shower in the other bathroom. The bathroom with the dumb pedestal sink and no counter space. (P.S. Pedestal sinks are fucking stupid.) So, I’ve been relegated to using the Clarisonic maybe once a week, if I would remember to grab it before I got in the shower. The Clarisonic doesn’t do much if you don’t use it like you’re supposed to; that’s pretty much the point of the thing. So, my pimple forehead and zitty nose were back in full effect. Until…UNTIL, I discovered this little Pore Cleansing Pad from Sephora.

sephora scrubber

I LOVE THIS THING! Use it in circular motions with your face wash, and the little bristles gently scrub out all your makeup, sweat, and whatever other questionable things you might have on your face. It’s small enough to live on a ledge in my shower, it works great, it’s gentle enough to use every day, and it only costs FIVE DOLLARS. Five freaking dollars! Plus, since it’s silicone, it can be disinfected. That’s a big draw for me because it’s only a matter of time before I drop it, bristles down, onto the shower floor where I pee on my own dirty feet, just like Madonna.

I bought one for Jason and his terrible man skin too, and he looks like a not flaky, clear pored motherfucking angel now. We all look like angels! I’ve been using this about 5-6 days a week, with my Clarisonic the other 1 or 2 days, for about 3 weeks, and it has made a huge difference. My skin is smoother, my deep seated forehead pimples are clearing up, and my tone is starting to even out. I love this thing so much; I really, really want Sephora to make a big one so I can use it to scrub my whole body. It’s my beauty product dream right now. Really. I stand in the shower, scrubbing my nose with the little pad, and think about how great it would be to use an oven mitt sized pad to scrub my cellulite. BIG DREAMS.

I can not recommend this beauty tool enough. To me, it’s a reasonable replacement for a Clarisonic if you don’t want to drop $120 on an exfoliating brush. Get one! Hell, get five! It’s almost summer, that means lots of makeup free face time. Get your skin ready now!

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Interview

Fave Looks

Perfect Lips and Liner

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