Personal

Dog stuff and blog stuff

I greatly prefer winter weather to summer weather. Like, maybe I have reverse SAD. Days upon days of cloudy weather doesn’t bother me, but, day after day of blistering sun makes me feel crazy and desolate. Stepping outside first thing in the morning to a full blast sun puts me in a cranky mood. Some summer stuff, like spending a day with a friend alternating between dozing on floating rafts and working out a synchronized swimming routine to “Man, I Feel Like a Woman,” is quite divine. Other stuff, like, oh, everything else, is awful. What’s good? Kids are out of school, it’s a thousand degrees, people keep trying to stuff me full of BBQ and then put me in a bathing suit – it’s a nightmare. Winter isn’t totally awesome, I’m not going to pretend I’m not freezing my balls off. I get cold all the way to the bone, I just don’t care because that’s why I have chi dogs and big blankets.

Speaking of chi dogs, someone would like to make his big blog debut today.

Weighing in at 2.3 pounds!

One half of the Tiny Twin Titans of Terror!

I may or may not have been in the grips of a fever delirium when I bought him from a couple standing outside Target with puppies in a laundry basket!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the hardest playing boy in chi business, Mr. Please, Please Don’t Pee There…

Gomez “Dr. Teeth” Cosper!

Gomez

“Dr. Teeth” isn’t his middle name, it’s just his most apropos nickname. 

Isn’t he a ladykiller?!

acquitted gif

He’s a teeny baby, barely three months old, and he’s just disgustingly cute. Wrinkly neck, ears too big to hold up, curly whiskers! He’s the total package! Even Rowdy came around and now she’s a big sister.

Rowdy and Gomez

just big sister things

He’s a baby genius, he’s a big chicken, and we love the crap out of him. He’s kind of a willful prick sometimes, and not a day goes by where he doesn’t try to eat my hair, but, nobody’s perfect!

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In other news, when was the last time you watched this?

This song and its video are one of my go-to cures for the blahs. I was feeling kind of blah this morning because of my cold toes and my poor, poor frozen succulents (RIP), but Diamond Dave turned it all around. It’s impossible not to laugh, and dance, and sing along! I mean, I fucking dare you to not AT LEAST do some jazz hands. You can’t do it. This is why we were only meant to have him for so long; if he had stayed on top forever we’d all be dead from high kicks.

What song always cheers you up? Do you agree with Jason that we missed an opportunity to name Gomez “David Chi Roth?”

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Personal

Catfish Thursday!

catfish

Ugh. You guys. I was having a shitty morning, but then, it was “Catfish Thursday,” and I felt so much better! What’s Catfish Thursday? That’s the morning Rowdy and I watch Catfish. Why is Catfish Thursday good? Catfish Thursday is good because it usually has coffee, and it has Catfish. I feel like I have to stop typing Catfish because the word is starting to look weird and lose its meaning, and THAT makes me feel like I’m losing my grip on reality! Wheeee!

THAT SHOW is so riveting to watch! I love it! Every episode is a weird new look into the fucked up workings of the human psyche. I do a weekly recap of the new episode to Jason, and, out loud, it always sounds so bizarre. It is bizarre, I guess. Even the catfish that turn out to be legit are super weird. Like, ok, you are who you say you are, but you’re also the one person in the world who has a super popular youtube channel, but no cell phone? Ok? Whatever you say, lil catfish!

Another thing I’ve learned from Catfish, is that “rapper” is the number one career choice for fraudulent internet boyfriends. I mean, one of these catfish was actually pretending to BE Bow Wow. Come on, young girls, get it together. This many dudes can not be hot rappers. It’s just statistics.

Anyways. That’s Catfish Thursday, and the most important thing is that I feel better. The second most important thing is that we all learned a very important lesson about how hot a dude can be with silver hair.

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Eyeshadow, Floss Gloss, Nails, Personal

Picture Show

Since it’s Monday, I thought we could ease into the week together. AKA I don’t want to write anything, I want to go to Target. Lucky for everyone my phone has 4,201 pictures on it! Lucky for YOU, I’m only going to show you a few. I can’t show you all of them, because that would be too erotique. You would not even be able to handle it.  Your eyes would bug out, steam would whistle out of your ears, and you would hit yourself over the head a bunch of times with a mallet.

*****

nana hands

Crazy bright in any light!

Every few weeks, or so, I go to my Nana’s house and give her a manicure. She likes to get her nails done with fun colors, and I like to sit at her kitchen table and hear the same story a bunch of times. JUST KIDDING. I mean, not really. She does tell me the same story a bunch of times, but when she’s not doing that, she’s telling me cool stuff. Seriously, if your Nana is around, go over and do her nails. While you’re doing them, ask her all the questions you’ve ever wanted to know about family secrets and who she was before she was your Nana. No lie, she will tell you EVERYTHING.

These photos are from when I did her birthday nails a couple months ago. It was a really fun morning. We did nails, talked shit about all the people we know, and some shit about people we don’t know. Relatives were calling the whole time, so we never ran out of topics to discuss.

I know you guys probably don’t want to read a beauty blog about some abuelita, but OH WELL. She’s one of my top #1 LADY POWER ICONS. She’s a queen. And, look at the polish she picked! This color is Bikini Coral by Floss Gloss. It’s a killer, retina searing, attention grabbing summer polish! It looks fucking amazing on her skin.

Nana would hate that I was showing these pictures, because she thinks she has ugly hands, but she’s tripping. As long as I can remember, I’ve thought her hands were beautiful. When I was a kid, I would look at her graceful fingers with their perfectly shaped nails and think to myself, “Those are perfect lady hands.” Unfortunately, I did not grow up to inherit her lovely hands. Her rings don’t even come close to fitting me as I was cursed with los chorizo fingers.

mystery look

mystery look 2

This is a look I did for myself a couple weeks ago. I don’t remember what shadows I used. My best, educated guess, is that this was done using the Urban Decay Naked 2 palette. My lips are brought to you by Mindless Lip Chewing. Mindless Lip Chewing: For when you want to look crusty and corroded. I’m sorry I don’t have the exact colors used for the eyes! I didn’t do this look for the site, so I wasn’t really paying attention. I thought I’d show you guys anyways though. Maybe someone needs some neutral look inspiration.

random blue hair

WAHHHHHH!!! I miss my blue hair. *CRYING CAT EMOJI* *CHICKEN LEG EMOJI*

Speaking of emojis, is there an emoji suggestion box somewhere? I need a cheese wedge emoji, a hot dog emoji, and a crossed fingers emoji. Also, some more brown emojis would be cool, too. Don’t make me have to pretend that bride emoji is actually a Mexican girl in a communion dress!!

goat

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU GUYS. LOOK AT THIS GOAT!!! GROSS, GOAT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT GUY?!?!?!?!

 

 

 

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Accessories, Floss Gloss, Hex Nail Jewelry, Nails, Personal

YONCE ON MY NECK

Serfbort

SERFBORT.

When I stay up too late, I get brilliant. When I get brilliant, I envision and order Beyonce themed necklaces from one of those custom name necklace websites. Less than two weeks later, BAM, my dream has come to fruition.

serfbort gif

I have some badazz Beyonce themed nail decals on the way, but until I get them, my “Diamond” charm from Hex Nail Jewelry makes for a good Bey referencing manicure (THIS DIAMOND. MY DIAMOND. THIS ROCK. MY ROC.).

I WOKE UP LIKE THIS.

GAH! Once I get going on that, it’s pretty hard to stop.

I’m wearing Floss Gloss’ new color, for Spring 2014, “Lean,” and it’s just as gorgeous as I was hoping. This whole set up I have going on today is a BOSS one. You know when you got some good shit, and you feel all proud of yourself? That’s me right now. Also, in the sprit of “Drunk in Love” I totally have a hickey in that photo up thurr. I cropped it out. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Buy the “Diamond” charm from Hex Nail Jewelry HERE.

Buy “Lean” from Floss Gloss HERE.

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Personal

Stranger Danger

You know what I love? Compliments from strangers! But, I have this weird thing wrong with me, where if someone tells me something nice about myself, I immediately have to tell them why they’re wrong. Case in point: Yesterday, an older lady at the movies told me she thought my hair was, “Fabulous. Just fabulous!” I told her thank you, then I told her it was so much more work than I had anticipated. She laughed, and said, “It looks just wonderful.” And I say, “Ugh! You should see my shower!” (YOU SHOULD SEE MY SHOWER?!) She goes, “Well, you didn’t have to tell me that,” and then she briskly walked away! I, like, feebly said thank you to her again as she was running away from me.

What a weirdo, right? Me. Not her. She was right to run away.

Right now, it’s my hair. The second someone tells me they like it, I show them where my roots are showing. You like my makeup? Oh, that’s nice! Let me tell you about how I’m sweating all of it off, and, also, have you seen my mustache? What’s that? I just look nice today? Thanks! I think I look terrible, and I would like to provide the counterpoint to your compliment.

I’m trying to tell myself to just say thank you, but it’s hard! I don’t know what my deal is? Whatever it is, it probably comes from the same place inside me that forces me to do comedy routines for nurses and dental hygienists. I’m compelled by forces that I can not contain!

Does everyone do this? Why do I have to tell everyone how shitty I look? I mean, if I really look shitty, they probably already know, right? Why is it so hard to just accept something nice? What’s my problem?

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Personal

Happy Galentine’s Day!

Galentine's Day

It’s the day before Valentine’s Day, so you know what that means! It’s Galentine’s Day! The day to celebrate all the lady friends in your life.

parks and rec

So, happy Galentine’s Day my beautiful, rule-breaking moths! My clever, wonderful flying squirrels! My gorgeous, purebred poodles! I’m so thankful for all my fabulous, clever, strong, supportive lady loves! Where would I be without my women? Just swimming in a sea of sausage, I guess. HARD PASS.

Friends, readers, my boos, keep on sparkling you flawless and rare diamonds! Every day is Galentine’s Day in my heart.

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Personal

Snow Bunny

Hey, everyone! Remember me? I guess I accidentally took a Christmas break!

my-bad

I took my laptop on our trip with us, but I just never pulled it out. I was busy! We went to Utah to visit my family, then we hit Orange County on the way home to visit my in-laws.

I would like to assert that we are NOT from Utah. My entire immediate family moved there because, I don’t know, they like drinking but it wasn’t challenging enough in California? Or, they like it when things are, like, grossly wholesome? I did consider the fact that they just don’t like ME. It’s hard to not entertain the possibility when everyone who lived in your childhood home all moved somewhere else, together, 12 hours from you. FINE THEN. I’LL BE RIGHT HERE.

CALI TIL I DIE.

I like my Christmases warm, my drug laws lax, and my population unimpressed.

In Utah, there is stupid snow everywhere, and you have to wear winter clothes like, socks, and pants, and shoes that aren’t flip flops. INDOORS! It’s terrible! SOCKS!? Who even? What the? It’s so much work!

Being back in Southern California was a relief. I love my family, but I miss my own bed, and my natural environment. The air in Utah is so clean, it burns the inside of my nose. I need those minerals and vitamins in the California air to keep me strong and focused. Dirty air is bad for me? I doubt it. If I breathe poison all day, I am surely stronger and more powerful than anyone who doesn’t. Try me. See what happens. Now that I’m back in California, I can punch a hole right through your chest. I was born here. I’m on some X-Mang shit, FO SHO. That’s just science, y’all!

The trip was a mixed bag, but overall, fun. I got to see all my nieces and nephews aka my darling baby children. I did that Tia work, handing out gifts and lipsticky kisses with unrestrained enthusiasm. I love to kiss those little faces, even though it’s tough to see how big they get in between visits. My two oldest kids, my nieces, just turned 8 and 10 this week, and that’s rough. I want them to stay little forever! They’ve lost those chubby baby faces, and now they like One Direction. Which is fine! I don’t begrudge anyone their generation’s boy band. I had the New Kids, my mom had the Jackson 5. We all need some non-threatening dudes at that age, it’s just nature. Then, you work your way up to peen with guitars. I went straight from Joey McIntyre to Slash, but there are usually more steps in the middle. I’m just a prodigy. (P.S. I just googled Joey from New Kids, and that fool is 40 fucking years old. How do these things happen? I need to start planning for our retirement because I guess it comes faster than you think it will.) (P.P.S. Can we all agree that Donnie had no business being in a boy band? Motherfucker was a full grown man with, like, a beard and a wood paneled study. He was old as hell. If you were a 9 year old into Donnie, you probably have hella therapy bills now. Not because of Donnie, specifically, but because you clearly have issues.)

All the family stuff was good. We had noche buenas with so much good food; enchiladas, taquitos, frijoles y arroz, salsa, GUACAMOLE MADE BY ME! Christmas with my mom is the sting of jalapeños on your fingertips and tongue, it’s hot chocolate made from Abuelita tablets. It’s Navidad! She even pulled my oldest nieces and nephew into a roughshod Nativity pageant that featured Joseph in a knockoff Gucci head wrap, and culminated with “Mary” ripping the blanket off of the doll cast as Jesus, hoisting it into the air and shouting, “BABY JESUS IS REALLY A GIRL!!!”

It wasn’t all La Raza and controversial Jesus theories though. I left California with what we thought was a stress headache that actually turned out to be a dental issue. In a stunning example of “worst case scenario while on vacation out of state” I had to make an emergency dentist’s appointment to try and get my face back in order. It did NOT go well. Turns out, I have two giant abscesses that have worked their way into my sinuses. My own teeth have conspired to erode my face bones. It’s a mess. The dentist couldn’t do all the work necessary to fix it in such a short amount of time, the day before Christmas Eve. So, he did what he could do to relieve the pain a little, wrote me a prescription for some antibiotics, and sent me on my way. It was not what I had planned for that day.

Here’s your girl on her way to the dentist:

pre dentist

And now here’s your girl post dentist:

post dentist

It wasn’t fun. It was pretty painful. But, I persevered. I’m always a little bit annoyed, so when shitty things happen, I can keep my cool and roll with it. I was drooling on myself for the rest of that night, and I was in pain off and on throughout the rest of the trip, but, at least there was an off. Before I went to the dentist, it was just nonstop on.

So, that put a little bit of a damper on our trip, but it was manageable. Plus, my parents felt really bad for me, which is extra nice. My mom was petting me a lot, and that helps. She was also making me rinse my mouth with hydrogen peroxide, which was not nice even though it helped. Gross.

After we left Utah, we drove straight through to Orange County to spend time with Jason’s family. I spent the night over there for the first time! Jason and I slept on the floor, in a spare room, with this scary thing holding down its post just inches from my head.

creepy kid

What’s he in trouble for? MURDER?! Probably!

Luckily, beautiful White Jesus was there to keep an eye on things and make sure that murder baby didn’t turn around in the night.

white jesus

WHITE JESUS GOT CHU, GURL!

Our day there was really fun too. The more time I spend with them, the more I see our life together as a family. There isn’t anything funny about that, it’s just good. I miss doing family stuff, like sprawling on couches all day and watching movies together, or hearing a whole afternoon’s worth of dad jokes. It’s hard sometimes to be so far from my family, and it makes me happy to know I can get my fix if I need it. I still have to wear a bra over there, but Imma work on that. Baby steps.

Our trip was great, but I was so happy to be home. We got in around 10:30 on Saturday night, and we basically spent most of the day yesterday asleep. I’d like to spend most of today asleep too. Vacation is so exhausting! I was going to unpack us today, but I think I’ll be ok pulling my underwear out of a suitcase for the rest of the week. It’s a slower way of unpacking. It gets the job done, it just takes a little longer.

As the cherry on top of my week, one of my favorite people in the whole known and unknown universe got engaged a couple days ago. I don’t want to make any assumptions, but I’m already pulling together makeup looks. I JUST GET SO EXCITED!!!

So, Christmas over! It’s time to get back to regular life. That’s cool. I’m ready to do it! I’m back and ready to show you guys some good stuff! I hope you guys all had a good holiday too. Did anyone get any amazing beauty related Christmas gifts? I got some perfume I really wanted, so that was a mega score. I’ll tell you all about it soon!

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