So, I’m sitting here watching “Daredevil,” and, it occurs to me that I am the true daredevil because I am currently giving coconut oil as a hair treatment a second chance. I haven’t washed it out yet, so, to put it in daredevil terms, I’m still waiting to see if my suicycle make it over the metaphorical dog doo stick.
Last time I used coconut oil in my hair, it was a reeeeeal shitshow. I used way too much oil, and I doused every strand from scalp to end. I mean I went TO TOWN with the coconut oil. My head was greasy for days. This time, I used just a few tablespoons of the coconut oil mixed with a couple drops of Rosemary oil, and I only applied it to my scalp. This coconut oil experiment also has a different hypothesis; I’ve been reading about scalp massage to stimulate hair growth, and, hey, sounds good to me. I’m into oils and massages and sensual things like that. It’s also well documented that I’m very into growing locks so long and luscious that I no longer require tops. I massaged my scalp really well, ran the excess oil on my hands through the length of my hair, twirled it all up in my trusty claw clip, and now, I’m just letting the oil do what it do. Whatever that is.
We’ll see how things work out when I take a shower. Fool me once, coconut oil! Fool me once.
UPDATE: I was really scared I was going to end up using dish soap to wash my hair like I had to after the time I used too much oil to remove an ill conceived glue-in quick weave, and no amount of traditional shampoo would degrease me. But, I pulled out the big guns AKA my Pureology clarifying shampoo, and there weren’t any problems washing out the coconut oil. Obviously, I can’t tell yet if this really helps with hair growth, but, at least my scalp doesn’t feel all toight and flaky like it often does after I wash and dry my hair. I’m thinking this Sunday night scalp massage might become part of my weekly beautifying treatment regimen. It felt divine, it smelled good, my hair is soft, my roots aren’t greasy, and my scalp isn’t dry. I made it over the dog doo stick!
Back in November, Melt Cosmetics released their newest shade, a juicy, plummy color named Dark Room. When the site went live with the product drop, it was a madhouse. Luckily, having survived the great Missoni for Target Frenzy of 2011, I was prepared. When the dust settled and the lipsticks were sold out, I had my tube, and all was right in my world. Kind of dumb to not buy two, but, I was really in the zone and I had my eyes on the prize.
If you missed the chance to jump on this color in November, it’s coming back in stock, and it’s going to be permanent.
Miss you, nails.
Melt described this lipstick color as the inside of a beet, and that’s pretty accurate. It’s a really rich, sumptuous shade. I liked it best with multiple layers blotted down. It’s matte, and it wears really well. I did a friend’s makeup for her wedding, and we used it to give her a dramatic lip for the reception.
The babely bride and yours truly, wearing Dark Room.
Dark Room will be back in stock on February 4th, so if you want it, get your credit card all cleaned, sharpened, and ready to go. From what I can tell, when Melt restocks, the supply doesn’t last long. Get out there and chase that lipstick! Have you ever experienced the rush of successfully snagging your coveted product during one of these madhouse cosmetics releases? It’s a very triumphant feeling. AND, 7-10 days later, there’s lipstick at your door! BONUS.
I’m always on the lookout for new projects to start and abandon. I can’t help it, I’m just really passionate about half knitted scarves! Unfinished crafts are my life’s work.
Every once in a while, I screw up, and one gets done. Like these DIY watercolor mugs I found from Poppytalk.
photo via Poppytalk
Gorgeous, right? I had the idea to put that lovely splash of color on a white ceramic pot as a birthday gift for a green thumbed friend! In my mind, she opens the box, pulls out the pot, and gets a tear in her eye from my beautiful, and very expensive looking, gift that was made all the more special by the fact that I did it with my own little hands. It was a very, very good plan.
Would the owner of this one of a kind piece of functional artwork please raise her hand?
…
…
Ok. I never sent it.
I have a good reason though! It came out, umm, not so good. She would have cried a little tear, but not from being overwhelmed by beauty and friendship.
Sorry, Missy.
Happy birthday?
This was extremely perplexing because my trial run came out pretty nice!
Before I did the pot, I tried the process on a mug. It’s cool! I would have been happy if the pot had come out like this! I’m really sad it didn’t. I kind of feel like I know what I did wrong though, and I want to try it again. I’ve got nail polish out the yang, and a lot of free time. Missy’s birthday might not be licked yet!
I bet you’re waiting to see the fucked up pot. Well, too bad. It’s too crusty looking, and it would bring great shame to our household. I’ll show it off when I get it right! Fingers crossed!
I greatly prefer winter weather to summer weather. Like, maybe I have reverse SAD. Days upon days of cloudy weather doesn’t bother me, but, day after day of blistering sun makes me feel crazy and desolate. Stepping outside first thing in the morning to a full blast sun puts me in a cranky mood. Some summer stuff, like spending a day with a friend alternating between dozing on floating rafts and working out a synchronized swimming routine to “Man, I Feel Like a Woman,” is quite divine. Other stuff, like, oh, everything else, is awful. What’s good? Kids are out of school, it’s a thousand degrees, people keep trying to stuff me full of BBQ and then put me in a bathing suit – it’s a nightmare. Winter isn’t totally awesome, I’m not going to pretend I’m not freezing my balls off. I get cold all the way to the bone, I just don’t care because that’s why I have chi dogs and big blankets.
Speaking of chi dogs, someone would like to make his big blog debut today.
Weighing in at 2.3 pounds!
One half of the Tiny Twin Titans of Terror!
I may or may not have been in the grips of a fever delirium when I bought him from a couple standing outside Target with puppies in a laundry basket!
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the hardest playing boy in chi business, Mr. Please, Please Don’t Pee There…
Gomez “Dr. Teeth” Cosper!
“Dr. Teeth” isn’t his middle name, it’s just his most apropos nickname.
Isn’t he a ladykiller?!
He’s a teeny baby, barely three months old, and he’s just disgustingly cute. Wrinkly neck, ears too big to hold up, curly whiskers! He’s the total package! Even Rowdy came around and now she’s a big sister.
just big sister things
He’s a baby genius, he’s a big chicken, and we love the crap out of him. He’s kind of a willful prick sometimes, and not a day goes by where he doesn’t try to eat my hair, but, nobody’s perfect!
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
In other news, when was the last time you watched this?
This song and its video are one of my go-to cures for the blahs. I was feeling kind of blah this morning because of my cold toes and my poor, poor frozen succulents (RIP), but Diamond Dave turned it all around. It’s impossible not to laugh, and dance, and sing along! I mean, I fucking dare you to not AT LEAST do some jazz hands. You can’t do it. This is why we were only meant to have him for so long; if he had stayed on top forever we’d all be dead from high kicks.
What song always cheers you up? Do you agree with Jason that we missed an opportunity to name Gomez “David Chi Roth?”
I was, like, not made to live without a beauty team. I guess I can do my own nails, but it’s really better if someone else does them. I’m a Real Housewife, not a real housewife. Know what I mean?
It’s not like I’m particularly bad at doing my nails. I used to be pretty good at it until several months of fills and fresh sets ruined me. I don’t know! I’m so bad at the edges now! This entire mani was invented around avoiding my GD cuticle edges.
Allll the areas around my actual nails are the splash zone. Mani specifically designed around avoiding this situation, and I’m still “cleaning up” my nails in the shower. ACK!
OH WELL. This nail art(?) is great because it doesn’t need tape, a steady hand, or, extra brushes. I didn’t even need to sit at the kitchen table to get a level work surface. I did the whole thing kicked all the way back on the couch. I’ll tell you how!
You’re going to need three colors; two for the base, and one for on top. I used two Floss Gloss colors, DONATELLA and MOON BABY, for the base, and GIVE ME THE 1ST DANCE by Nicole by OPI for the top.
First, make haphazard swipes of your base colors on the bottom 3/4 of your nails. Do all ten fingers.
Then, working one nail at a time, dab some of your top color on the tip, sort of lightly pulling the color upwards.
Wipe all the polish off the brush, onto the lip of the bottle.
Drag the brush from the tip to the top of your nail. I liked the silver color for this because it gave everything an antique looking finish. You might need to dab more polish here and there, depending on where you want the coverage. Just make sure you wipe all the excess off the brush for the thinly layered areas. If at any point, your coverage with this color gets too solid, take a q-tip soaked in polish remover, and gently roll it over the areas you want to thin out.
Cover it all with a top coat, and you’re done!
OF COURSE I got polish on my finger here.
You sort of can’t fuck this up. I mean, you can, but, it’s hard. My first finger looked like garbage compared to the rest of them. But, by the time I got to the end, they were looking exactly how I’d hoped. I was even able to go back and fix the ugly one with my q-tip trick! Just be patient with yourself, work with the dabbing and brushing, and you’ll get the hang of it!
I love makeup and spending money (and chihuahuas, and pizza, and Jane the Virgin, and big d). I really hate being broke (and bell peppers, and Monty Python, and mansplainers).
Thankfully, the diligent swatchers over at one of my favorite Instagram accounts, DUPE THAT, are all over the buying lots of makeup/still having money dichotomy. They’re in there every day, showing us how often we’re paying extra for luxury brand names. When you collect lipsticks like I do, this is some valuable information.
Look at that! Every post is this good. They’re doing the Lord’s work over there.
DUPE THAT recently launched a full site. The site is searchable for brands and color names, thereby fixing the one issue I had with their IG only operation. It’s very exciting!!
Are you off today? Maybe spend some time browsing their site and making lists. Are you working today? My suggestion still stands. Your boss says it’s cool!
I’m not a resolutions person. Obviously. I mean, here I am, knocking the dust off this blog well into the second (technically third) week of January. A resolutions person would have been here that first Monday. To me, New Year’s resolutions are amateur hour. I’m making and breaking promises to myself 365, BAYBAY!!
My problem is, I always go too big. Lose weight, save money, find my life’s purpose, blah blah. That stuff is a lot of work! You know what’s probably way better for our mental well-being? Starting small. Make your bed every day! Kick your panties into the hamper instead of leaving them sunny-side up in the bathroom! Mop!
No. Don’t mop. I’m sorry I said that. FUCK mopping.
How about, instead, you could resolve to have cleaner skin? You don’t even have to buy a new face wash, or an expensive cleansing brush. Are you all ready for my ONE WEIRD TRICK?
Here it is:
Wash your face longer. For 60 whole seconds. That’s it.
Real talk, you guys; I know what you’re doing. I see how quickly you wash your face. I SEE YOU. But, it’s ok! I used to do the same thing! In fact, I considered myself a pretty accomplished face washer. I washed my face every night and most mornings, I used my Clarisonic. I would even wash my face when I was three sheets to an ill wind! Some of the mascara might be left behind, but, I’d AT LEAST use a cleansing wipe. So, pretty good, right? Pretty good, but could be better. Like, maybe better if I didn’t rush through it in just a few seconds. You know, like how washing a fork with soap real fast is good, but making sure you get all the crud off is preferable?
Still not convinced? (Pretend you’re not convinced.) Will a little bit of Beauty School Confidential help? Consider this; a big reason for the effectiveness of a spa facial is the extensive time spent on cleansing. Most estheticians will cleanse your skin twice during a facial. When all is said and done, you’re going to get, probably, a combined five minutes of solid cleanser on skin action. It’s not an accident that your skin is so bright after that! I mean, the default time on my Clarisonic is 60 seconds, and that thing is using sonic vibrations, or whatever, AND bristles. If the Clarisonic needs 60 seconds to get your face clean with all that technology behind it, your sweet lil fingers need at least that long. It’s so easy though! A big part of this cleaner face resolution is the simplicity, because hopefully, you’re already washing your face. So, you don’t have to do a whole new thing, you just have to a regular thing differently.
“But, Sarah,” you might be thinking, “60 seconds is a long time to count! What if I get bored or lose my place? What if I count too fast or too slow? How am I supposed to keep track of the time when I’m in the shower in all my nudely glory?!” It’s easy! Zones, guys. It’s all about zones. Your forehead? ZONE. Nose down to your chin? ZONE. Those precious cheeks? ZONE(S). Three zones, 20 seconds each. That’s all you need to do to get cleaner skin. It’s free, it’s easy, it works!
Since I’ve been making an effort to wash my face more thoroughly, I’ve seen a visible improvement in my skin. I have a lot less tiny white heads around my eye/cheek area, and, I haven’t been getting random, underground, throbbing, volcanic breakouts on my jaw and chin. I even managed to avoid the inevitable eruptions I deal with whenever I get sick, and those are usually really gross, and really hard to kill.
HASHTAG NO FILTER
HASHTAG NO FOUNDATION, too. That’s right. No foundation. I have on a little concealer around my nose to cover some tissue related redness, and, I have on a little under eye brightener. But, that’s it. No foundation, no powder. No filter! Just my clean, moisturized skin. For comparison, here’s an unedited photo from the end of last summer.
I think you can tell a difference. In the first picture my skin looks brighter, clearer, and smoother. I’m wearing a full face in this photo, and my skin still doesn’t look as good. See what I’m saying? I’m not making it up!
Bet you didn’t think it was going to be THAT cheap. A cheap cleanser and your free fingers. That’s all you need. It’s really so easy! Easier than losing weight, easier than kicking your underwear into the hamper, easier than pretty much most things, and you get nicer skin. Happy freaking New Year! So fresh and so clean in 2015!
A couple weeks ago, I hit the Sephora with a fellow childless enabler, and we had a lot of fun! Fun is a nice way of putting it. Rampage is a more accurate way of putting it. Like, did you know they have a sample limit at Sephora? Me neither! They way they told us, it seemed more like a suggestion, so we just kept hammering the samples anyways. I feel like my mid-level Sephora card entitles me to whatever I want in there. My VIB card, and my remaining bitterness over them making it seem like I had a job, and then not hiring me eight years ago. Last year, I made it a goal to let go of old grudges and annoyances, but that Sephora snub still stings. Especially when I saw homeboy that looks like Bobby fucking Hill working in there.
I like to just stay mad about not getting the job that one time so I don’t have to go back and try again. STAY MAD. That’s what I always say. That job is probably so hard; you have to deal with petty assholes like me all day. BUT, there is lipstick….
In my defense, it’s not like I just go in and demand all the samples and don’t buy anything. That’s not a rampage. A rampage involves damage inflicted on a personal level, too. If you’re not swiping your debit card in a near blackout state, sister, you ain’t rampaging.
Amidst the frenzy, in a fog of Tom Ford fragrances, I grabbed one of these single sheet Dr. Jart+ Pore Minimalist Masks. Having never used a sheet mask before, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Since it was a sebum sucking and pore cleansing mask, I thought I’d get something sticky, or clay like. Instead, I got a fairly heavy mask that was absolutely drenched in a thin serum. Really, at that point, I was kind of confused, but, hey, I’m not a doctor! Dr. Jart is the doctor.
-1 point for not having a mouth zipper.
After smoothing the mask onto my face, I realized, unless I kicked back, I was going to have a drippy mess to clean. I did not want that, and I didn’t want to waste any of that precious serum, so I put my head on my little pillow, and just CHILLED. The serum was really cool and relaxing, without any of the burning you can get from mint extracts.When the time was up, I peeled off the mask, and I was really surprised by how much serum my skin had absorbed. The mask wasn’t wet and heavy anymore, it was damp and papery. The directions said not to rinse, to just massage the remaining serum into the skin, and I am so about that. I hate washing off masks! I get so much water everywhere, it really might make more sense for me to just get in the shower. Same amount of toweling off, less water on the floor.
I wasn’t ready for how effective this mask was! My skin was smooth and clear, my underground sebum deposits were smaller, and my nose pores looked so clean. The work on the hard little sebum bumps was especially impressive; I’ve never seen a mask make a noticeable difference on those before! Those disgusting little beads of oil are my #1 annoyance right now, so this turned me into repeat customer. Next time, I’m buying the whole box!
That title is more like, On the Dumb. But, ACTUALLY, like On the Run.
On the Run? They should have called that show, “Get Your Fucking Life for Three Hours.” I’ve watched that HBO special two and a half times, and I haven’t stopped yelling at Bey to kill ’em all dead. She’s doing it, too!! I mean, I have this need for a beanie with one of those Roman soldier brush thingies on top, now!
I’d stitch one up myself, but I’m a hundred percent sure the brush would just flop over like a melancholy rooster. And, also, I have no idea where you get one of those brushes.
On Saturday night, I had the champagne flowing, and the cheese plates stacked high. I don’t want to brag, but there were upwards of FIVE different kinds of cheeses. So, yeah. It was pretty fucking gross. I definitely got a stomach ache from all dat cheese. Worth it though!
In honor of the show, I broke out my Sara M. Lyons “Queen Beyonce” nail decals! I love these hilarious lil designs! They’re so perfect and cheeky! They’re also REALLY easy to apply; all you need are some small, sharp scissors, and a bowl of water. They’re basically temporary tattoos for your nails, they have the same application concept as that bitchin’ ying-yang sign you bought out of the machine at the pizza parlor that one time.
Nails are one of my all time faves, Con Limon by Floss Gloss
I fucked mine up by not using a lighter polish underneath them. As a result, Bey looks a little jaundiced. Jayndiced? Haha. Get it?
Bey-Z looks better here:
See? On the Thumb. Whomp, whomp.
Sara (probs too familiar) makes dope shit that really speaks to me. Like, her Babewolf, or, her “In Lux We Trust” piece, which is so awesome, it kind of makes me want to cry. I just realized I’m gushing, and I was gonna be all, “I’m a gusher,” but that’s not right. Let’s say, “I’m a fan.” That doesn’t sound as damp.
Purple eyeshadow, too. I’m a sucker for purple eyeshadow.
PURPLE NAILS! Don’t even get me started!!
Long story short; I guess purple is my favorite color.
Well…and black. Is leopard a color? No, that’s silly! Leopard is a neutral!
“Leopard is a neutral,” has been my life motto since I was 16. I figured it out, and never looked back.
WE’RE NOT PREACHING THE JOYS OF LEOPARD, SARAH. REMEMBER YOUR FIVE Gs.
GOOD GOD, GET A GRIP, GIRL.
The look above mixes up a purple lip with a leopard top, so I was pretty into it. The lip is MAC’s Heroine, a vibrant, red-based purple. This color was a cult hit that MAC brought back, and made a part of their permanent collection. That’s good news because I could really see myself finishing this tube of lipstick. I mean, as soon as it came home, I made it a part of MY permanent collection (the zipper pouch inside my purse).
Heroine has a satin finish, and it wears down to a bright matte that has a lot of staying power. I really appreciate that in a lip color. I love to do my makeup, but, I really hate having to constantly reapply my lip. I’m a modern woman! I don’t have time for that kind of nonsense. I don’t have time, and, also, I forget. And, also, pizza.
Oh, man. Pizza sounds so good right now. What time is it? 9:15?!?! Pizza isn’t even open yet. That’s ok. Everyone knows the sweetest pizza is the one you have to wait for.
This lip color goes with all my favorite faces; neutral eye/bold lip, bold eye/bold lip, glasses/bold lip.
Glasses/bold lip goes ANYWHERE, with EVERYTHING. I love it! If you wear glasses, and you want some compliments, do it. People fucking love it. If you don’t have glasses, I feel bad for you, you’re obviously a dum-dum. Everyone knows glasses make you super smart. Glasses are also the best way to hide your true beauty. When you take them off, everyone is super impressed by how good looking and popular you are! WOWZA.
This post, you guys, it’s not so good. I’m sorry. I accidentally took a summer vacation, now I’m super rusty!
ACTUAL SUPER RUSTY
That Rusty might be my favorite. I love the Anthony Michael Hall Rusty, but, this Rusty is hysterical to me. Those Rustys are tied for first? Second place is Nick Papagiorgio Rusty. David from Roseanne Rusty is neither here nor there for me.
