Blood, Suede & Tears, Floss Gloss, $8

I picked up Blood, Suede & Tears during Floss Gloss’ flash sale a few weeks ago. I’d been hovering around it since its release at the beginning of summer, so a sale gave me a good excuse to finally give in to DESIRE.

This polish originally debuted as part of their “Super 70s Summer Collection,” but I haven’t seen a color this 90s since, like, 1996.

It is SO 90s.

I know these things happen in cycles, so it was only a matter of time before brown cosmetics made their way back into my life. Next up, TINY MACRAME BACKPACK!!

When Blood, Suede & Tears showed up at my house, I was a little taken aback by exactly how BROWN it was. I was like, “Sarah. Are you ready for this? Can you handle this? You know this brown polish is just going to be a gateway to brown lipstick.”

I WON’T DO IT.

I do love this polish though. I LOVE this polish.

Like I said, in the bottle, it was so, so brown. On the nail, it was a warm, orangey, burgundy. It’s the color of chocolate syrup!! It’s warm and vampy, perfect for fall. 1994 me would have freaked out. She would have gone crazy for it, paired it with her brown lipstick, laced up her Docs, and gone back to talking to boys wearing flannels.

Brown lipstick, check. Oversized henley shirt, check. Bad attitude, check.

I swear to you, I can still see a SEVENTEEN editorial from the 90s all about different shades of brown lipsticks and polishes that featured a color just like this. I remember it because I thought it looked so good. I wanted it for my back to school look!!

Allow me to demonstrate exactly how 90s this color is by juxtaposing it with a bunch of stuff from the 90s that still lives in my house:

Aww, cheer up, guy! It gets better! 

90S ART PROJECT

ZINES, YOU GUYS. NOT PICTURED: The zine I used to make.

Do you know how hard I had to look for those zines? Not hard at all! They were just sitting on my desk! I don’t know why!

In conclusion, of course the grrrls at Floss Gloss would be the ones to turn me back to brown polish. They always seem to know what I want before I do. It’s weird. Some might say it’s….eerie. Indiana. Eerie, Indiana.

Get it?!

It’s a show from the 90s. How old are you!?

Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

Buy Blood, Suede & Tears HERE.

L-R, Dinge, Black Holy, Moon Baby, Faded, $8 each

Growing up, the top names to call me at school went like this:

1. Witch
2. Lesbian
3. Daria
4. Eddie Munster

I was a spooky kid, I guess. That’s cool. I get it. I wore a lot of black and I listened to Nine Inch Nails and The Cure. I have a widow’s peak. I was not an active volleyball participant in gym. I don’t know why they were calling me a lesbian though, that one is still a mystery.

Does that tell you all you need to know about how I’d feel about a polish collection called, “Princess of the Night?”

I’m all over it like Glenn Danzig on a bench press. I’m excited like it’s 1995, it’s my friend’s slumber party, somehow I got to pick the movie, and that movie is “The Crow.”

Let’s conjure up some bad bruja nails, boos.

I was really impressed with the coverage from these colors; the creamy, glossy formula applied beautifully. The polish flowed onto my nails from the brush, with both Black Holy and Faded being almost completely opaque with only one coat. I love it. Watery black polishes, get the fuck out of here.

All colors were swatched using two coats of polish and my Seche Vite top coat.

MOON BABY

Moon Baby is a cool, icy baby blue with gray undertones. I had no idea how much I would love this color, but it’s so eye catching on the nail, it’s my favorite color of the whole collection. My polish rack is full of blues, but I don’t have anything like Moon Baby.

DINGE

Dinge is a cool, dirty, fleshy pink. Floss Gloss has described it as the color of beat up Capezios, and that’s totally accurate. It’s an incredibly sexy sort of nude, and it’s running a close second to Moon Baby for the title of #1 STUNNER in this collection.

FADED

Faded was such a tricky color to photograph! My camera was refusing to pick up the accurate stony color of this polish. They say Faded is the color of faded tattoo ink, and that’s totally right! But, what is that?! Is it navy blue? Kind of? Not really! It’s hard to describe, but it looks rad as fuck. It photographed really dark, but I don’t think it looks this dark in person.

BLACK HOLY

Black is the classic nail color for girls of the witchy persuasion, and I consider myself a connoisseur. Glossy, deep, perfect, creamy black. It’s my good, old, classic fave getting the treatment it deserves.

I really loved this colors in this collection. It’s nice to see something other than the usual dark jewel tones and burgundies for fall; and although half the colors in the collection are very light, they don’t read pastel or sugary sweet. Floss Gloss has nailed the “light-colors-that-look-dark” concept, and it evokes a chilliness that’s perfect for fall and winter.

I’m already rocking Moon Baby full time, and I’m really looking forward to wearing Dinge next. I’m all hyped for fall now! BYE, SUMMER. TAKE YOUR SWEATY BANGS AND GO.

Buy the Princess of the Night collection HERE.

Summertime refreshment for size queens.

We know I’m FLOSS GLOSS obsessed, right? Like, I embarrass myself on Twitter all the time gushing about the colors, and bothering Janine and Aretha for preorder information and whatnot. I can’t help it! They keep making my dream colors! What the fuck else am I supposed to do? Play it cool? HELL NAW.

WAVEPOOL, $8

WAVEPOOL is a color from the last order I received. I’m a total sucker for creamy aqua blues, I have tons of them. But this color was really different in its warm baby blue vibrancy, and its apparent lack of green.

You know how when you look at the pool on a really sunny day, and the bottom looks so perfect and blue and retina searing and you just want to swim down into the center of it? That’s the color of this polish. It is flat out deep end-beers on a raft-“watch my dive!” awesome. All it needs are some blinding sunlight sparkles bouncing off of it, and the smell of sunblock.

Their formula worked great for this color. It was opaque in two coats, and it dried matte. One coat of my top coat, and I was good to go.

Summer is going to be over soon, but there’s still lots of time to grab WAVEPOOL and play twinsies with your swimming pool. And hey, if you’re looking forward to next season, you can preorder their Fall line now.

Buy WAVEPOOL HERE.

P.S. I just found out that not everyone knows the importance of using a base coat. Always use a base coat on your fingers. Your manicure will last longer, and your nails won’t get stained.

I have to trim off these beautiful babies today. They’ve turned against me in a spectacular fashion.

Color: Fastlane by Floss Gloss

I lost a nail, on my left hand, pulling up my wet bathing suit the other night. It snapped straight across, and up so high, I couldn’t pull it off.  I tried to wait until I got home to handle it, but it was so blindingly painful every time I accidentally touched it, I broke down and used someone else’s unclean nail scissors to cut it off. HORRIFYING! That’s an esthetician’s nightmare right there. You can’t unlearn all that cross contamination stuff.

Two of my other nails are on the verge of a similar fate. I can see they’ve already tried to split across the middle, but not at the edges. One of my thumbs, just this morning, broke beyond my patching abilities. That’s pretty gruesome stuff.

They gots ta go! I’m sad, but I don’t think I’m the one who’s going to miss them the most.

Pony, Floss Gloss, $8

Floss Gloss is really good at introducing colors I didn’t know I desperately needed. Neon peach is not a color I would have considered for myself before I got Pony, but I’ve fallen in love with it.

What are you, kidding me? How hot is this?! It’s apt the color is called Pony because it’s amazingly sexy and it reminds me of one of the horniest songs of all time, “Pony” by Ginuwine. A hot thing to do, would be to dance a sexy striptease to “Pony” while you run your Pony tipped fingers all over your sexxxay boddday. BAM. Unstoppable.

This color make me look super tan, and it gives me, what I like to call, DIVA HANDS or LADY HANDS. Like Babs.

OG DIVA NAILS

This is my third bottle of Floss Gloss polish. I’ve been wearing their colors, exclusively, for almost a month, and they’re all great. Combined with my base and top coats, I’ve gotten at least a week’s wear, without chipping, from each bottle. I really appreciate that, especially since chips are so much more obvious on bright colors. I’ve also noticed that, during all three manicures, I thought I messed up the wet polish enough to warrant removal and re-polishing, but by the time I’d finish the top coat on the rest of my fingers, that bumped, smeared, or otherwise gooped up nail would have leveled itself out to the point that I could just put on top coat and everything was perfect.

My camera couldn’t do this color justice. In some light it was brighter and orangey, in some light it was a soft pink, in photos, it was more nude. All week, I’ve been wracking my brain, trying to remember where I’d seen this color before.

Last night, it finally hit me.

All the shades I’ve seen in Pony, you can see here.

WHEW! THANK GAWD I was able to nail it down. It was driving me crazy!

Besides being dope as hell, Pony is just flat out pretty. I actually had the thought to myself that I wished I could go back in time and wear it at my wedding.

I’m legitimately sad to have to take this polish off to swatch another color.

Buy it HERE.

Con Limon by Floss Gloss, $8

OK. I don’t want to say that I’m straight up slaying the natural nail game right now, but, I am. It’s just facts. This color just took my life to a whole new place and now my nails are on some next level shit.

SO GOOD.

As you can see, I’m also slaying the shower curtain game. I have got it goin’ on! GOTDAMN!

The second I saw Con Limon, there was never any doubt we were meant to be together. It was gut punch love at first sight. And when I put it on my nails, I never wanted to take it off.

After one use, Con Limon has joined China Glaze’s “For Audrey” and Rescue Beauty Lounge’s “IKB 2012” in the upper echelon of “POLISHES I WEAR MORE THAN ONCE.” This is big time stuff, but I think Con Limon is up for it.

Some of you may know that it’s customary to lay down a coat of white polish under neon colors to keep them from blending into your nails, and make them pop. Before I started my Con Limon manicure, I tweeted Floss Gloss and asked if they suggested I do that under their polish. They responded and told me it wasn’t necessary, that Con Limon would be opaque in two coats without any white under it.

A likely story.

A TRUE STORY.

As is the case with all creamy neons I’ve used, Con Limon applied a little streaky at first, but by the second coat, it was indeed fully opaque. I was pretty impressed, actually. Two coats of neon, without any white undercoat, and there wasn’t any visible nail line. I did a third coat just to even out some places where I had missed the second pass, and the color was the perfect neon lime green of my fantasies.

Everything I do with my hands is so dope now.

Cracking eggs? Dope.

Folding manderwear? So sexual.

Voguing in the mirror? BEYOND FLY.

This polish has turned my “Why give handies when I can give vaginies?” worldview upside down. I don’t know who I am anymore! But, isn’t that the best you can hope for in this world today? To have your ideals challenged? Learning and growing and wondering if you should start giving more hand jobs because your nails look so cool.

Ah. Life.

And hey, stickers!

STICKERZ

I am so in love with this color, the little bottle it comes in, and every fucking thing else on the Floss Gloss site. Con Limon is going to be a year round color for me. It’s obviously good for summer, but I will def be flashing it when it gets cold.

Buy it HERE.