I don’t have much today. It’s been kind of a slow week around here, actually.

Jason has been in Austin since Monday, and I thought that would mean I’d get so much work done, but it really means I just wander around bored and watch “Mermaids.” I have been dealing with trying to figure out which smoke detector is chirping since Sunday night, so that’s been keeping me pretty busy. It’s never the first one you rip off the wall…..

I’ve started to revert to my feral single life again! I keep eating Cheerios for meals that aren’t breakfast, I’m talking to myself and the dog like we’re 3 different people, I have a burglar beater next to the bed, and I’m scared of slipping in the shower. Plus, my husband has become really funny and charming again, so you know I’ve been without DAT D for a while now.

YEEZUS FUCK WHICH ONE OF THESE THINGS IS CHIRPING?!?!

Serenity now. Jason will be home later today to reach all of them, and I can move on with my life.

I wanted to do a Friday I’m in Love today, but my photo backdrop keeps falling off the wall, so I said, “FUCK THIS,” and just left it down. On top of that hazardous condition, I’m trying to get myself on a new eyebrow threading schedule, so I’m a mess. I kept going to get my brow and lip threading done when I was on my period, and that’s, like, the WORST time to do that kind of thing. It hurts way more. So, for the sake of my face, I sacrificed my face. I’m really pretty brave, if  you think about it.

Since I don’t have anything of substance today, can I just show you a bunch of random semi-beauty related stuff? Yes? Good!

I bought this rad “Babewolf” sticker for myself from Sara M. Lyons, and slapped it on my laptop. I fucking love this sticker. Her armpits really speak to me. I need her to make some kind of bunny girl to balance out the other side!

I just found this art she did too, and I feel dizzy, like if I don’t own something, ANYTHING with this on it, my life will always be a little worse.

MY GUY

I’ll name a baby Lux. I swear I’ll do it.

Here’s THIS weird and cool looking tutorial on xovain about making your own lipstick out of crayons. I’ve never even considered that before, but it’s interesting. I’d like one of you craftier readers to do this, and tell me how it goes. I don’t want to do it, I’m not that ambitious, and I only have one stainless steel bowl.

What else we got?

Oh. My oldest niece is suddenly totally grown up. She’s sending me emails, with old photos of myself attached, that say “I LOVE YOUR HAIR.”

This is what happens when you work in a salon. Some days are slow, and you end up with blonde hair. It’s bizarre, right? I always wanted to try my hair like that though, so I went for it. Whoops! My dark eyebrows under there look TERRIBLE. I was like, “Madonna can pull off black eyebrows with platinum hair, why not me?” Why not you? Umm. I can think of lots of reasons, Past Sarah. How about, reason number one, you’re not Madonna. I can’t even believe I’m putting this picture on here. I’m clearly in a hotel, I’m not wearing makeup, and I look like a freak. The saddest part is, this is the best picture of me with my hair like this that I’ve ever seen. I don’t know where she got it! It’s weird to see old photos of yourself you’ve seen before, right? This blonde left my hair such a gross mess. I was always itchy because little pieces of hair were always breaking off, and when I’d wash it, it’d get wet and just streeeeeeetch and sort of semi-melt. My hair was thrashed. I do wish I’d taken the opportunity to dye it a bright blue though before I went back to a natural color. Missed that chance, Past Sarah! From getting in the car with strangers in Vegas, to not dyeing your hair a great color when you had a blank slate, to doing crystal, you always make the wrong decision! You’re a reeeeal fuck up, Past Sarah. Lucky for you, Present Sarah is very generous with her forgiveness, and willing to put the past behind her.

Oh! My new Birchbox came this week, and it’s the best box yet. I got a full size eyeliner, a deluxe Stila lipstick sample, a hair product I’ve been dying to try, and a bunch of other cool stuff. I’ll try to have the full review for you guys on Monday. Until then, that’s a not great photo of the Stila color I got. I LOVE IT.

CHILLIN

I took Rowdy to a friend’s house to go swimming the other day, and we had a great time! Turns out, she likes being in the pool! I held her, and all her little arms and legs were just floating in the water, while she had her eyes closed and her face turned towards the sun. When I tried to put her back on the concrete, she didn’t even try to help. She wanted to stay in the pool! She’s so crazy.

For real though, the very best thing that happened this week was an actual super awesome thing; FLOSS GLOSS retweeted one of my polish reviews. That’s the first time a beauty brand has done that, and it was VERY RAD!!!

What’s up with you guys this week? Did you have any past beauty experiments that you just had to get out of your system at least once? Is your past self a giant idiot too? Do you know which one of my smoke detectors is going off? HEY. WHAT’S GOING ON?

I went to Sephora yesterday, and I didn’t know what to buy. I wandered around forever, poking my fingers at things, until I found something.

Then, I went to MAC, and I was there for 5 seconds before they were ringing me up.

There are so many options, I get analysis paralysis! What do you want to see? Do you want to see exclusively new products? Do you want to see my old standbys? Are there any products or questions you’d like to see covered here?

Please don’t ask, “Why do you suck so much?” or “How dare you?”

ALL SKATE, YOU GUYS. PUT DOWN YOUR SPRITE, EVERYONE ONTO THE RINK!

My “Hair” board on Pinterest is FULL of pictures like this:

Photo: The New York Times

Totally sexual and cool, big 60s hair is one of my very favorite styles.

TOO BAD I COULDN’T TEASE MY HAIR IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

I’ve read countless tutorials, watched tons of videos, and even had my hairdresser/buddy show me how to do it on own head. Nothing ever helps! Sometimes, I’ll think I got it, but then I go to smooth hair over, and no, I don’t have it. I NEVER have it. I’ll tease and spray and tease and spray and it never works. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, but whatever it is, it’s the key to undoing the entire thing.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to go with some other thrown together style at the last minute because I’m sweating and near tears, Jason is ready to go, and we’re late for a wedding, or whatever. It fucking sucks and it ruins my vision for my look.

It’s especially frustrating because it seems like teasing is pretty basic. I can’t French braid either, so that ruins all the other hair ideas I have pinned. I’ll just be standing in front of the bathroom mirror, teasing or braiding, until my arms feel like they’re going to fall off, and the result is always the same; a head full of knots and a FURIOUS me.

I’m not giving up though! I’m going to get it one day, dammit!

What about you? Are there any beauty styles or looks that you JUST CAN’T GET? Can you teach me to French braid? Should I just give it up and figure out another way to do my hair? Am I completely dumb for not being able to figure these things out?

Let’s chat, darlings!

It’s been a long week for me down here at the old blog mill…

When you’re the boss of your own pretend job, it’s too easy to make yourself work unusual hours. Crazy, inhumane hours like, 2:30 AM – 6:00 AM, or 4:15 AM – 7:00 AM. Hours when I should be dreaming about doing it with Louis CK (more pleasant than you would think), or fighting with teenaged girls (exactly as horrible as you would think).

Also, I’ve been making some extra money working double time on the seduction line.

Needless to say, I’ve got a case of the Fridays. That’s like a case of the Mondays, except for instead of not wanting to do anything on a Monday, you don’t want to do anything on a Friday. I had a case of the Wednesdays too, but it was less severe.

Annnnyways. It was during one of those early morning blog shifts, when I was thinking about the post I’d read about beauty mistakes we make while we’re first learning how to self style, that I got inspired me to write a post about my own cringeworthy mistakes. But, now, I want to know yours!

I know you guys were out there with crunchy hair and too much eyeliner.

That loose boob is the best thing she has going on here.

Come on! Spill those beauty confessions!