Not impressed. Meemaw Albolene looks old as hell.
Not impressed. Meemaw Albolene looks old as hell.
Nicole by OPI “Pick of the Glitter,” Target exclusive
I’ve been off glitter (NOT ANTI GLITTER, NEVER ANTI) for a long while now. Taking off my nail polish is the part of doing my nails that I hate the most, and you know glitter takes forever to remove. Even though the tinfoil trick works, it’s way more time spent with corrosive chemicals on my fingers than I would prefer. These new base coats formulated specifically to make glitter removal easier tickle my fancy, but I keep forgetting to buy some at the beauty supply. So, that one is on me.
Nothing had been able to weaken my self-imposed glitter ban until this bottle of polish hypnotized me at Target. Admittedly, It’s not super hard to do since I’m already half out of my present state of mind at Target, but this bottle came home and it still captivated me. The polish is a really unusual color blend of large glitters in turquoise, gold, and iridescent lavender mixed with tiny flecks of a rose gold/bronze color. It’s fucking beautiful. The purple and rose gold colors really, really set off the other colors. I think it’s a brilliant combo of colors. Just fabulous.
Betsey Johnson ring, my jewelry box
I think this is the one and only time I’ve ever worn this ring. I was hitting the Betsey Johnson outlets pretty hard there for a second, and there’s a lot of jewelry hanging around my house that has never seen the light of day. I can’t bring myself to get rid of any of it though. THEY’RE MINE. WHAT IF I WANT TO WEAR THEM SOMEDAY?
I thought this polish would look gorgeous over a neutral color, so I went to the vault and pulled out “Don’t Pretzel My Buttons” (yeesh these names *Tina Fey eye roll GIF*) by OPI. It’s an opaque sort of pinky nude color, and I used two thin coats to cover my nails before I used two coats of glitter.
Dammit. I kind of want a big pretzel now. UGH!! OPI COLOR NAMING DEPARTMENT, WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SO HUNGRY?! AND HORMONES, YOU HAVE SOME SPLAINING TO DO, TOO.
I know the lighting on this photo is weird, but it is so damn hard to get a solid picture of glitter. The reflective pieces make my camera go all crasy! You can see all the colors in the glitter in this picture though. So, success? I guess. I just really wanted you guys to be able to see everything. It’s so pretty!
Like I said up top, this color is an elusive Target exclusive. I did not know that when I bought it, I was just having a lucky day. If I had known it was hard to find, I never would have randomly run across it. Trust. I couldn’t find it on Target.com, so, if you want it, you’ll have to actually go to Target to get it. Super sad, I know. It’s ok, don’t worry, while you’re at Target, you can get yourself a new scarf to dry your little tears!
I’ve been on the fence about whether I’m keeping my hair short, or growing it long, but then Melody Ehsani was on my IG all last week killing the universe with these braids, and I was like, “HELLO, NEXT SUMMER HAIR!” So, I’m off scissors.
I’m going to look so good!
I just keep picturing my own face in all these photos, and I look amazing. Through pure mind power, I’m going to get my hair super long by next summer. It’s important to have goals!
SO LET IT BE WRITTEN. SO LET IT BE DONE.
Lips: Pink Velvet by Lime Crime
Look at your girl! She got up on time this morning, and worked it out for y’all! I didn’t just do makeup, oh no. I made a hair tutorial, too.
WHO AM I?!?!?
I’m the shit.
What I’m not, is a good hair doer. Like, these big donut buns have eluded me because my hair is sort of short and full of layers. That was a bummer because I do love a bun. All bunz. Lucky for me, laziness and frustration breeds ingenuity, and I figured out a way to make it happen without all the arm killing rolling, and without my layers sticking out everywhere.
Since I’m not big on hair that takes a lot of time and effort, this tutorial is suuuuper easy. Like, the whole thing will take you less than five minutes. All you need is two big hair ties (rubber bands?), a hair donut, and a bunch of bobby pins. CHECK IT OUT.
Pull your hair up into a high ponytail, securing it with a rubber band. Pin up any stragglers that fall down in the back. Then, pull your ponytail through the donut, and settle it against your head. Make sure you use a larger donut, since we won’t have the volume you get from rolling all the hair into it.
Pull the hair from your ponytail down over the donut. Making sure to evenly spread it all the way around the donut, so none of the mesh is showing.
Take another large rubber band and pop it over the donut to hold the hair in place where you want it. As you can see, sometimes this takes a couple tries to get the right angle. Make sure everything is smooth, even, and covering the donut.
Pull the ends of the hair around the rubber band to cover it, pinning it in place as you go. If you need to, you can stick pins up into the donut. It’s super easy.
Pin the hair all the way around, adjusting the bun as you go to make sure everything is exactly where you want it. After that, I like to pull a little hair down in front of my ears just to soften it up. But, that’s up to you.
And that’s it!! It’s so easy!
I like to add a little something extra around the bun, just to make everything look super correct. This is my new twist scarf from ban.do. It has wire inside it, so it pretty much does whatever I want it to do. You can use whatever; scarves, necklaces, bracelets, cute pins or barrettes. I’d say the possibilities are endless, but that’s probably not right. You know what I mean, GO CRAZY!
Was this a revelation for anyone else?! I was so excited when I figured it out!! My normal messy bun isn’t always appropriate for all outfits and occasions. This new option is pretty great.
I hope you guys like it! Let me know!!
Since it’s Monday, I thought we could ease into the week together. AKA I don’t want to write anything, I want to go to Target. Lucky for everyone my phone has 4,201 pictures on it! Lucky for YOU, I’m only going to show you a few. I can’t show you all of them, because that would be too erotique. You would not even be able to handle it. Your eyes would bug out, steam would whistle out of your ears, and you would hit yourself over the head a bunch of times with a mallet.
Crazy bright in any light!
Every few weeks, or so, I go to my Nana’s house and give her a manicure. She likes to get her nails done with fun colors, and I like to sit at her kitchen table and hear the same story a bunch of times. JUST KIDDING. I mean, not really. She does tell me the same story a bunch of times, but when she’s not doing that, she’s telling me cool stuff. Seriously, if your Nana is around, go over and do her nails. While you’re doing them, ask her all the questions you’ve ever wanted to know about family secrets and who she was before she was your Nana. No lie, she will tell you EVERYTHING.
These photos are from when I did her birthday nails a couple months ago. It was a really fun morning. We did nails, talked shit about all the people we know, and some shit about people we don’t know. Relatives were calling the whole time, so we never ran out of topics to discuss.
I know you guys probably don’t want to read a beauty blog about some abuelita, but OH WELL. She’s one of my top #1 LADY POWER ICONS. She’s a queen. And, look at the polish she picked! This color is Bikini Coral by Floss Gloss. It’s a killer, retina searing, attention grabbing summer polish! It looks fucking amazing on her skin.
Nana would hate that I was showing these pictures, because she thinks she has ugly hands, but she’s tripping. As long as I can remember, I’ve thought her hands were beautiful. When I was a kid, I would look at her graceful fingers with their perfectly shaped nails and think to myself, “Those are perfect lady hands.” Unfortunately, I did not grow up to inherit her lovely hands. Her rings don’t even come close to fitting me as I was cursed with los chorizo fingers.
This is a look I did for myself a couple weeks ago. I don’t remember what shadows I used. My best, educated guess, is that this was done using the Urban Decay Naked 2 palette. My lips are brought to you by Mindless Lip Chewing. Mindless Lip Chewing: For when you want to look crusty and corroded. I’m sorry I don’t have the exact colors used for the eyes! I didn’t do this look for the site, so I wasn’t really paying attention. I thought I’d show you guys anyways though. Maybe someone needs some neutral look inspiration.
WAHHHHHH!!! I miss my blue hair. *CRYING CAT EMOJI* *CHICKEN LEG EMOJI*
Speaking of emojis, is there an emoji suggestion box somewhere? I need a cheese wedge emoji, a hot dog emoji, and a crossed fingers emoji. Also, some more brown emojis would be cool, too. Don’t make me have to pretend that bride emoji is actually a Mexican girl in a communion dress!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU GUYS. LOOK AT THIS GOAT!!! GROSS, GOAT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT GUY?!?!?!?!
When I say the word GLOSSY, it makes me think of the word FLOSSY. Which makes me think of that Fergie song that goes, “flossy, flossy!” And THAT reminds me that Fergie had a song out that misspelled “tasty” on purpose just to make it fit the syllables; AND WE ALL JUST LET HER GET AWAY WITH IT!! I mean, I can’t spell banana without singing it in my head like Gwen Stefani. There has to be someone out there spelling tasty with an e before the y just because it’s in that Fergie song. Irresponsible, Stacy!!
I wish someone would make a song that spells out “restaurant,” because I still mangle that word so badly my spellcheck can’t even help. Spellcheck is all, “restraint?” I’m like, “No,” and then spellcheck is all, “Well, I don’t know what you’re doing then.” I always end up Googling it.
I’ve been thinking about glossy and flossy because I just signed up for GLOSSYBOX! I was getting really bored with my Birchbox, so I canceled it a couple months ago. Since then, I’ve been looking for a new subscription beauty box to take its place. I thought I had settled on another $10 a month box, but then I found GLOSSYBOX. At $21, GLOSSYBOX is twice as much, so that sucks, but the stuff inside looks really worth it! From what I can tell, they focus on luxury niche and foreign brands, which gives you the chance to try brands and products you might not otherwise find. This month’s box includes a $25 Bergdorf Goodman* gift card in addition to your products! I was all over that! But then I went online to the Bergdorf’s site to do a little pre-shopping, and found out they sell precious few things that cost $25. I don’t really care though because I’m just going to put the gift card towards a new bottle of luxury fragrance.
(The luxury fragrance will probs be Balenciaga.)
I’m really excited to try GLOSSYBOX!! It’s supposed to ship pretty soon, and we’ll pop it open together when it shows up!
Want to try GLOSSYBOX with me? Get your own HERE.
*Speaking of Bergdorf Goodman, if you like documentaries about beautiful, sparkling, expensive things and people, check out “Scatter My Ashes At Bergdorf’s.” I really enjoyed this movie. There’s a story following the creation and construction of the Bergdorf’s Christmas windows that was especially fascinating to watch. See it if you can. It might still be on Netflix!
Do people still say other people are “sprung?” Do people still get sprung? Can you be sprung on things that aren’t other people or their crotches? I’m not sure about the answer to any of these questions, so I’m going to take a big risk here when I say I am sprung on this Josie Maran Argan Oil.
That was the sound of me being sprung!! This blog is so high tech and interactive! Now, imagine you can smell lavender Febreze and chihuahua kisses…that’s right…..immerse yourself in the sounds and smells of my world.
I got a deluxe sample bottle of this Argan oil at Sephora a little over a month ago, and I am straight up obsessed. Although the bottle was small, it provided enough oil to find out that I love this product. I’ve been using it about twice a day, morning and evening, since I got it, and it has made a huge improvement in my skin. I actually started using it in the first place because I was desperate. For the last couple months, my skin has been really off; it’s been dry, patchy, really uneven and super dull. My skin even looked yucky under my makeup! Foundation would cake up, or settle into creases. I HAD CREASES. It was bad. On top of THAT, I grew this zit on my chin that was throbbing, underground, and about the size of a pencil eraser.
Wait. Everyone knows what a pencil is, right? How old is everyone? Are pencils obsolete? Probably. Pencils were pretty obsolete 20 years ago. PENS FOREVER!!!
Are pens obsolete? Don’t care! I’ll never stop admiring my own name when written with a fancy pen.
Back to the face oil!
Like I said, since I’ve been using this oil, my skin has made a huge turnaround. It’s soft, smooth, bright, clear, and definitely younger looking. I even went out to fancy dinner and a show last week without wearing any face makeup! I just put on my oil after my shower, threw on some bronzer, and that was it. I looked like a gotdanged natural angel. This oil makes my skin, like, luminous. It works SO WELL, that I keep expecting strangers to come up to me out in public and demand to know what makeup I have on. Then, I’d be all, “I’m not wearing any makeup!” And they’ll be all, “What!? You’re so inherently beautiful! Here. Have a town car, chauffeur, and a modeling contract!” It hasn’t happened yet, but, like I said, I’ve only been using this oil for a month.
So, we’ve established that I love to wear a lot of eye makeup and too much mascara. We know this. So, I guess if we really think about it, we also know that I might probably go to bed a lot of nights with raccoon eyes. It’s not for lack of trying on my part. I really do try to get it off! Every eye makeup remover I’ve tried stings my eyes and/or turns my vision cloudy even until the next morning, so I resort to all kinds of other possibilities. I’ve used assorted and varied oils, I’ve tried all kinds of cleansers, I’ve rubbed and rubbed. It’s all hit or miss.
This is a problem because leftover eye makeup can cause those tiny, hard, underground bumps around my eyes. They’re not pimples because they’re not caused by bacteria. They’re called Milia, and they’re actually little cysts comprised of dead skin cells, oil and dirt. Dirt includes leftover eye makeup. I get these little bumps, and then, even though you’re not supposed to, I scratch at them. I can see them under my makeup, and they really rile up my picking tendencies. Your girl wants to party all the time, and a party for me is a really sharp pair of tweezers, an extracting loop, and a clogged pore. BUT THAT’S BAD. I know better. I went to eight months of beauty school, so, yeah, I know what I’m talking about. Call me Pimple Popper, M.D..
I don’t even really try with real eye makeup remover anymore. I tried this one kind of because it looked moisturizing, but mostly because it was half price on HauteLook and I had a credit.
I am so, so happy I took a chance! I love this stuff so much!
As you can see, I’ve been sticking my fingers all in this. It looks gross, but I think it’s good because it gives you a better idea of the product texture. It has a consistency that can best be described as “Crisco-like.” You glob some onto your closed eye, work it in a circular motion for 30 seconds (take some time to focus on your lashes), then, you wipe it off with toilet paper. If you have a bidet, use a kleenex. I was using a cotton round, but for whatever reason, the TP works better. All the makeup should wipe right off, even the mascara and liner under your eyes, and your eyelids will be moisturized! I always do this before I wash my face with my cleanser, so I wash off any excess oiliness then. It’s a dream come true!
I’m removing pigments, I’m removing mascara that doesn’t play, I’m removing black gel liner that promises 24 hour wear. I’M UNSTOPPABLE. This stuff makes me so happy because a lot of times I’ll skip a serious eye look just because I don’t want to deal with a difficult removal process that doesn’t even clean everything off. Now the only thing standing in my way is my own laziness. As usual! That’s ok, I can deal with that.
I ordered this bad mamajama last Monday morning, when Urban Decay released it. It was in my mailbox on Friday, and I have looked exquisite every day since then. I haven’t really had anywhere to go, BUT, I’ve been looking foine while I’m cleaning toilets and wrapping dog pills in American cheese. Today, I’m going to wear a full face while I clean our room. Is that a fitting activity for the way I look today? No, but it looks like a dirty panty bomb went off in there, and I can’t keep living this way. Maybe this is other people’s idea of good room decor *coughJasoncough* but it ain’t mine. Also, I’m out of underwear.
Back in the early years, crazy colors were what first drew me to Urban Decay. I was snapping up nearly every palette they released! The first few little ones, all the Book of Shadows palettes, Alice in Wonderland, the Anniversary Palette, Vice, more little ones! And that’s not even counting the single shadows I picked up. Then, around the time I started to feel like I had to tone it down a little, so did UD. So, then I bought all four of the Naked palettes! The Smoked palette! The Black Palette! I don’t think I need to tell you I don’t really have a lot of counter or drawer space. There are so many palettes, they have a dedicated cubby. Once the Naked palettes came around, I started doing my makeup way more neutral, and I had found myself wondering if I was ever going to go back to wearing a bright colored shadow. Honestly, as much as I used to love it, I didn’t know if it was me anymore.
Cue Urban Decay reading my mind again!
Top Row, L-R: Revolt, Gonzo, Slowburn, Savage, Fringe
Bottom Row, L-R: Chaos, Jilted, Urban, Freak, Thrash
GAH. Those are bright! When I first saw them, I was like, “I don’t know….” Then, I bought them, and I was like, “OH. WAIT. I DO KNOW. I LOVE THEM.” I haven’t been able to keep my hands out of it. I even set up my makeup station at the kitchen table, and I look at the palette while I eat my Eggos. Syrup is part of my creative process, ok?
The powders are so silky and rich, they’re really beautiful. I’m talking HUGE color payoff, plus, they blend like buttah. I never stood a chance. UD enticed me back to bold colors, and I am happy about it! I used my matte UD eye primer for all of these looks except the last one when it occurred to me to try my white eyeshadow base. Also, I did my eyes before I did my foundation or anything else on my face. I didn’t actually get a lot of fall out from these shadows, but what does fall is so intense, you’ll want to be able to just sweep it away with a brush. I haven’t yet had the chance to use every color in the palette, but I plan on continuing to play with it, and I’ll post any other looks I do. For now, I have three looks to show you!
I’m a sucker for cobalt blue; it’s one of my all time favorite cosmetics or accent colors. I had to try it first! It was flirting with me! Like, practically waggling its tongue at me, and we all know how ladies can’t resist that! This look was done using just Chaos on the lid, Revolt in the inner corners, and a matte nude from the Naked Basics palette to clean above the crease and up to the brow bone. I used a liquid liner on my top lid, and one of my black UD pencil liners on the bottom, the blush is actually the hot pink color, Savage, from the same palette, and I finished it off with UD’s Revolution lipstick in Naked. I’m sorry, but I looked really beautiful that day.
Look Two was the easiest one to work up. I wet my brush with saline solution, and used Fringe as a liner on my top lid, with Freak lining the bottom lash line. I also dabbed Revolt into the corners of my eyes, and used Savage as blush again. Lips are UD’s Super-Saturated High Gloss Lip Color pencil in Crush. For some dumb reason, I forgot to take a picture of this one with my eyes closed. It’s too late now! We’re all just going to have to get on with our lives. I’m not sure how I feel about my mismatched earrings, is it like Janet Jackson, or, is it like a pirate? Is it like pirate Janet Jackson? Is there still such a thing as “the gay ear”? Do I look crazy? I think I like it, but I’m halfway through a bottle of wine right now.
GAZE UPON ME, IT’S ALLOWED. NO EYE CONTACT PLEASE.
I thought that first look was my favorite, and then I did this one. Are you freaking kidding me with this? UD’s purples have always been my favorites. It’s their signature color, they do it right, and Urban is no exception. For this look, I used the dark pink color, Jilted, in the crease, blended that forever, then added Urban to the lid, and blended THAT forever, too. I lined my top water line and lower lash line with the same black UD pencil, then, I smudged Urban underneath that. Once again, I used Revolt in the corners, and Savage on the cheeks. The lip color is a drugstore nude.
I couldn’t resist trying it with my all time favorite UD lip color. Jilted!!!! The addition of this lip color changed the whole look into something way bolder. Which is, like, amazing for a look that already boasts bright purple and dark pink eye makeup.
Do you see how we’re totally falling in love?
It’s my responsibility to inform you that some of these colors aren’t “approved” for use around the immediate eye area in the USA. From what I understand, they’re cleared in Europe, and that’s good enough for me. Just be aware if you have extremely sensitive eyes, I guess.
So far, I have zero complaints about this palette. I’m so happy I bought it! I am looking dope and feeling good. The potency of this palette is so great that I bet nobody even noticed I need to get my eyebrows done. In fact, I bet nobody even noticed I wasn’t wearing pants in almost every picture. I am a master of mind control, and this palette has made me more powerful than ever!!!
Hi! It’s me! Your boring, brown-headed friend.
I gave up, you guys. The real of that blue hair was that it was a lot of work. I mean, it was a hair color that made me want to bleach and scrub my shower, like, twice a week. The twice a week I washed my hair.
This is the second time I’ve brought up my stained shower on this site, I am CLEARLY bothered by it. I can’t just say fuck it about that. I wish I could, but I’m old, I rent, my knees hurt, and I’ve been though enough stuff like this to see when something isn’t going to work.
It wasn’t just the stained tub, though. I got tired of the cold showers, I got tired of the blue fingers and ruined manicures, I got tired of needing to have my roots bleached (OUCH) every four weeks. I got tired of the dirty hair. I got tired of the dirty hair. If it was too much dirty hair for me, that’s a lot of dirty hair. I’d been breaking out a lot on my cheeks and jaw line, and I started thinking that maybe hours of rubbing my face and my dirty hair on the same pillow, every night, might have something to do with it.
Hair that gives me zits when it’s not ruining my tub? Yes, please!
Actually, no. No, thank you.
It made me sad, but I had to let it go. It was SO CUTE, I got SO MANY compliments, and SO MUCH attention…it was almost my dream hair. But, my dream hair is easier. My dream hair is all those things, plus it doesn’t make more chores for me. More chores? “More chores” is like “I forgot to eat,” those words are just not in my vocabulary.
So, the search for the perfect ‘do continues! What will it be? More and more I’m leaning towards the idea that it might just be wigs. I do have wig enthusiasm in my blood; my grandma had a whole dimly lit room full of them. Wigs on styrofoam heads and furs. It was a terrifying and glamorous room. I’m probably psychologically damaged by it. Maybe damaged good, like, that weird room turned me into the John Waters loving, dark beauty that I am. OR, damaged bad, like, that room is the reason why I can’t ever stop looking at celebrity autopsies. We’ll never know!