It’s finally the freakin’ weekend. Here’s a cute picture of my lab assistant in her natural environment.
WHAT!? STOP. SO CUTE!
Blerg, you guys. I feel like I’ve been dealing with random beauty mishaps all week. You know how stupid little things just build up and get annoying? That’s where I am right now. Just…annoyed.
On Monday, I went to get my eyebrows done, and my girl wasn’t there. Because it was an emergency (my eyebrows looked bad), I let one of the other ladies do it, and she did them too thin but still managed to leave a bunch of hair that needed to be removed.
Then, I had to make the decision to dump my new conditioner because I thought it was making my hair look dull and feel like a matted pile of old, shitty hay. I washed my hair that night, didn’t condition it in the shower, and then I used my Fekkai Pot de Creme to try and condition it when I got out. That worked ok, except for WHOOPS, I gave myself a couple of giant chin zits from having the leave-in conditioner on my hair in the night.
After that happened with the zits, I went to the beauty supply to get a new, regular conditioner. I bought my new conditioner, some cuticle nippers, and a few other things I needed. Later that evening, I got the nippers out of their little pouch to clean them and they had nail dust and cuticle bits stuck to the point, and exfoliating lotion on the handle. Fucking gross Outbreak nippers! I had to take them back to the beauty supply, and the girl was trying to tell me that’s just how some of them are, and I was like, WHATEVER. I am not trying to catch Outbreak from some dirty ass tools.
I was going to run this really gorgeous gold polish, but it’s sold out now. I really wanted you guys to see it. I guess I can still show you.
I sent an email trying to find out if the color was coming back, but I haven’t been able to find out. Hopefully, I’ll hear something and I can post the full review. Because what’s the point if you guys can’t buy it, right?
Oh. I’ve also been trying that Clear Scalp and Hair Therapy Shampoo. It promises stronger, more beautiful hair and a healthier scalp in 7 days. Based on how my experience has gone so far, I’m hoping you get that awesome hair and scalp when you grow a new scalp and hair after your old scalp completely flakes off and all your old hair falls out; because that’s where I am right now. So, things with that shampoo are either going really great or really terrible.
I’m listening to RuPaul right now, and trying to center myself. I’m going to do some Zen breathing and remind myself I’m the SUPERMODEL OF THE WORLD and all this other shit is just lame and ordinary.
I need to be up front about my mascara predilections.
The honest truth is, Lord help me, I love a good set of spider eyelashes.
So, maybe I’m not the best person to come to if you want a nice natural look. If you want some good tear stainers though? I’m your gal.
Someone learned how to make diptychs!
I have really long eyelashes, but there are like, 4 of them. So, I require a fair amount of lash fattening in my mascaras. Benefit’s They’re Real mascara sailed right past my MINIMUM PLUMPING LINE and kept on going. The weird/cool little brush was awesome for grabbing all my tiny hiding lashes, and the rounded tip was perfect for coating every corner lash. The formula is nice with great one coat application, and amazing layering capabilities.
$10-$23
The brush/formula combo is so effective, it’s hard to stop building lashes. I’m a bad beauty blogger right now because I lost count of how many coats of mascara I used for these pictures. I guess it depends on what your definition of “one” coat is? I’m going to say three. Three very heavy coats of product.
Benefit’s They’re Real is a really excellent mascara. It has good coverage like the mighty Diorshow, but it doesn’t dry out quickly like that one does. It’s become my makeup bag mascara, and it hasn’t failed me yet.
Dear Tammy Faye’s Eyelashes,
Please guide my thoughts, my pen, and my mascara wand today.
When Biore strips came out, my sisters and I were sticking them on everything. We hit the clogged pore gold mine one afternoon when we happened upon our dad, snoozing/watching TV, in the living room. The removal of his Biore strip was so disgustingly successful, it has become the stuff of family legend. We never even talk about how the strips went for us, all we remember is that dad had a forest of blackheads on his nose. And that’s how we describe it to each other, “They were like little trees,” we muse, still so impressed after nearly 20 years.
In the genetic lottery, I won my dad’s giant nose and cheek pores. Keeping those bad boys cleaned out is high on my list of skin care priorities. If one of them gets too noticeable, I’ll fuck up my face trying to dig it out. It’s better to take a less violent approach. I’m real delicate, you know?
Since I’ve been using that Fresh Soy Face Cleanser and my Sephora Pore Pad, my skin has actually been really nice. But, although they are far less noticeable, I still have those blackhead creepers hanging out on my nose.
My sick nose. The true test of any product that dares to claim to “clean out pores.”
It’s been my experience that mask like this can be drying, and since I’ve been burned bad before, I hesitated to use it on my entire face. I settled for forehead, nose, chin, and selective spots on my cheeks.
The consistency was really nice. I was expecting something clay-like, similar to that of the Queen Helene Mint Julep Mask. What I got was a product much smoother and creamier than that. It made application very quick and easy. I let it dry for 15 minutes, washed it off, and……it worked great! The pores on my nose were much clearer. Some of them were even empty! That NEVER happens. The skin under the other application areas reached similar levels of success; clear, clean, tightened, but not dry.
Several people have told me that they get scared to use masks like this because it gives them more pimples. I can’t guarantee I can stop that, but I can give you some tips that might help.
I always apply my masks after a long shower. The steam in the shower opens your pores and softens all that gross stuff inside them; making it easier for the product to work.
Wash your face with cleanser before and AFTER you remove the mask! That way you take off any remaining traces of product residue, and you wash away any of the bacteria or debris that may not have been pulled completely away. I can’t stress this enough. Just wiping, or rinsing off clarifying masks can leave those products in your pores, where they’re still kind of doing their thing, bringing junk up to the skin’s surface but not pulling it out completely. That equals eruptions. We don’t want that. We want that opposite of that.
When you’re done, keep those filthy paws off your silky pores. Don’t make me come over there and spank your hands.
After what happened last time I used an Origins mask, I was a little apprehensive, but this one was great! I really liked it a lot. It did what I was hoping it would do, and it didn’t wreak havoc on the more sensitive parts of my face.
Thanks to smart cookie and independent woman, Jaime S. for the killer recommendation.
If you’re so sad about it, STAY HOME. Don’t bring your emotions to this cool party! Right?!
You too, Mike Dexter. You animal.
Annnyways, I’ve had a couple people ask me for product suggestions for their dudes, so I wanted to share some of the tried and true man maintainers that we have around here.
The clean rinsing formula combined with the (alleged [but I think it’s true]) antibacterial properties of peppermint oil make Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Soap a really great man wash. It almost works too well. When I first met Jason, he was an esthetician’s dream, covered in ingrown hairs and blackheads; then he started using this stuff, and he became less fun to pick at with tweezers. It’s good, I guess. If I’m not being selfish, it’s good.
Supposedly, there are 18 different uses for this soap. As far as I know, we’ve only used it for the one, but you never know where life will take you!
Another great thing about this soap is that since it’s covered in the rambling words of a 3 time mental hospital escapee, you’ve always got stuff to look at in the shower.
This exfoliating scrub softens and cleans the skin, while preparing the face for shaving. The exfoliating beads are good at getting dry and flaky skin, and all the gross crud dudes collect in their pores. Since Manimal started using this cleanser, his skin has been clearer and less zit prone.
Over the last 7 years, I’ve bought Jason countless face cleansers, in all different price ranges. For whatever reason, this is the one he’ll actually use. Who knows how dudes’ minds work? They’re so complicated! It’s like, whatever baby, I don’t have time to figure you out. Now, less talky, more cocky.
Jason has a sort of legendary beard. People love it! I love it. He looks super sexual and scruffy, but sometimes, he smells like a wet dog. Also, I know his beard is getting out of control right now, because I saw corn chips, ice cream sandwich, cheese, croissant and lettuce all lodged in his beard at some point over the weekend. It’s time to clean that bad boy up!
This product is sort of wishful thinking on my part, actually. Jason does own it, and it does work great. It cleans and softens his beard, makes it smell GOOD, and it moisturizes the often neglected skin under his beard.
BUT. That’s just one daily step too many for ‘ol J-Bone. So, the beard conditioner is a very special occasion thing.
I’d like to get that clean, soft beard on my neck on the reg, but, I guess I’ll settle for the one that has Del Taco in it. I like Del Taco!
There you go! My first three manswers to your man prayers.
These products are all recommended if you want your guy to look like this:
I’m super excited to be introducing you to my first guest writer!
We used to be small town alterna-teens at a dark riverbed, and we turned out great.
I don’t know about him, but I hardly ever go to dark riverbeds anymore…
He always compliments me on the way I do my corn….
I think he’s awfully good….
Jono Nelson, COME ON DOWN!!!!
I hesitate to reveal my deepest darkest secret because I know it’ll horrify the Editor-in-chief here at Lab Bunny, but I must be honest and admit my faults if I hope to grow as a writer and a person.
I don’t moisturize.
…
It’s a commonly held belief that gay men hold the key to everything beautiful, glamorous and creative. Historically we have been innovators and taste-makers. Leonardo da Vinci, Oscar Wilde and Andy Warhol were all gay men that changed the course of human evolution in innumerable ways.
While I may have possessed this key at one point, I lost it probably around the time I started buying drugs from a Mexican gangbanger that I was never allowed to talk to. Basically, I’m bad at being gay.
Sure, in my youth I was running around southern California in skin-tight designer jeans and vintage band shirts worn to hell but then shit got real. In my mid-twenties, as a survival mechanism, I was forced to get sober. The good thing about early sobriety was that I was free of drugs and booze and no longer hurting the people I loved. The bad part was I realized how much I fucking hated my life, especially my day job.
After being clean for about a year I decided to finish up my BA in journalism. The more I focused on school and other things, the less energy I had to put forth in the aesthetics department.
Cut to today: I’ve relocated from Bakersfield to Los Angeles for school and academics have taken over my life. I pretty much wear the same four band shirts on a loop. My teenage, punk rock self would be happy to report that I couldn’t pinpoint the last time I washed my only pair of jeans that fit.This isn’t necessarily what I wanted, it’s just a byproduct of trying to make my dreams come true. I would love to be shopping for vintage leather but paying the bills and getting an internship are higher on the list at the moment.
My beauty regimen has also deteriorated to almost nothing. I put on sunscreen before I go to work but that’s about it. If I’m feeling fancy or have the time and energy to spare, I might put on a squirt of Lush’s Dirty body spray or slather on one of the zillion Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab oils I own (another addiction I should go to rehab for).
It’s not that I’m against moisturizing or even that I don’t own moisturizer (I have a pot of Lush’s Cosmetic Lad staring me in the face as I type this). My main problem is that I can never seem to make it a habit. I’ll apply it every morning for a few days and then forget about it or be too busy for it and then the cycle is broken. Cthulhu help us all if I don’t make coffee every morning but I can’t seem to find an extra thirty seconds to put something on my face to make it look better.
The other problem I have with moisturizing is that my skin is insanely temperamental. I’m not talking the occasional blemish during finals week. My skin routinely breaks out when the weather changes, when I try a new product or any time I leave my apartment. This situation is understandable in your teens and maybe even early twenties but I just turned 30 and shit has gotten embarrassing. I’m always anxious that if I use the wrong moisturizer, it’ll somehow make my condition worse.
I know that I’m not getting any younger. I’m also at a slight disadvantage seeing as how I spent a decade chain smoking. I need to start moisturizing and I need to start today, otherwise I’m going to end up with patchy skin and crow’s feet six inches deep.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the genetics I cannot change, the courage to change the skin I can, and the wisdom to moisturize on the daily.
These nail decals by Sara M. Lyons are SPEAKING to my inner teen goth. They make me wanna plaster swear words all over my nails, maybe smoke some cloves, probably hit the mall to pick up some new incense.
I mean, seriously. I am gaga-hearts-in-my-eyes for these decals.
It’s a good thing I’ve been in sexy self-portrait training for so many years. All my hard work, honing my craft since the early days of the internet, is finally paying off!
I mentioned Revlon’s “Peach Parfait” Lip Butter before, and when I used it the other day, I thought I would show you what I was talking about. It’s a good “My mouth just looks this sexy!” lip color.
I tried OCC Lip Tar in Pretty Boy ($18), yesterday, and LOOK HOW HAPPY IT MADE ME! This is pretty much one of my very favorite lip colors, in general. Give me the opportunity, and I’ll pick a blue based fuchsia 9 times out of 10. I’m drawn to them like they’re bearded dudes with forearm tattoos, or chihuahuas with big ears, or my couch.
The couch that’s right there, in my line of vision, totally empty, just all alone and sad…
I’ve been neglecting the couch all week. That’s so sad when you’re close to someone and you just start to grow apart…
WHOA WHERE WAS I? My mind control is too strong and I just hypnotized myself thinking about the couch while I listened to “Still D.R.E.” I got all in a couch/Dre mindfreak. Yikes.
That’s like when you find yourself slipping into sleep without any dreams, just darkness, and you snap awake realizing how easy it would be to just die one day.
You guys know what I mean?
WHOA WHERE WAS I AGAIN?
Lip Tar will keep us all together here, back to Lip Tar.
OCC really has a fantastic lip product in these Lip Tars. Pretty Boy is a gorgeous “super rich fuchsia,” that looks really great as a satin finish on its own, or so obscenely sexy with a shiny gloss over it. I’m wearing it above with just a quick swipe of my Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment over the top to keep my lips hydrated.
The color stayed on until I removed it myself, so it wore just like I’d expect from this product.
I’m going to go back to Sephora to buy it for my collection.
After I spend some time with my couch, obviously. I don’t want to cause some kind of “Cat’s in the Cradle” situation between us, I’m not an unfeeling monster.
I went to Sephora yesterday, and I didn’t know what to buy. I wandered around forever, poking my fingers at things, until I found something.
Then, I went to MAC, and I was there for 5 seconds before they were ringing me up.
There are so many options, I get analysis paralysis! What do you want to see? Do you want to see exclusively new products? Do you want to see my old standbys? Are there any products or questions you’d like to see covered here?
Please don’t ask, “Why do you suck so much?” or “How dare you?”
ALL SKATE, YOU GUYS. PUT DOWN YOUR SPRITE, EVERYONE ONTO THE RINK!
What kind of weak idiot hurts themselves beauty blogging from their kitchen table? Me. Me kind of weak idiot. At least when I worked in an office, if I complained about my back bothering me, someone brought me a lumbar pillow. If your back is sore at home, all you’re gonna get is someone offering to massage it out with their boner. I miss the days of ergonomically correct chairs.
I’m going to take this up with OSHA. This boner thing has got to be some kind of workplace safety violation. I need some safety goggles, AT LEAST.
I have gross feet, remember? They’re cute under all that dead skin tho.
I love my Ped Egg so much. I wouldn’t even have looked at that weird foot peel except for that I’m SO LAZY. I really think I’m obsessed with beauty products because I’m secretly hoping to find one that will solve all my issues, and I won’t have to work for it, and all my problems will go away. That’s so terrible, right? Like, actually, deep in my heart, I think somewhere at the mall is a lipstick that will make everyone not see how big my thighs are, and all of a sudden my car will be paid off. Keep in mind, my mall has both kinds of Sephoras and an attached Target. So….the odds are pretty good I’ll find that lipstick.
Anyways. Back to the Ped Egg at hand.
I need some serious hardware to get my heels in order, and the Ped Egg is basically a cheese grater for your feet. That’s gross, but that’s the truth. That’s what’s to love about it, it gets the job done quickly and throughly. I keep the detached flat piece in my shower, and when I can be bothered to do it, I’ll give my feet a quick scrub while I’m in there. I have a hard time getting the callus catcher part off the bottom, so I just don’t put it on. The water is running anyways, so it doesn’t matter.
Ped Egg doesn’t solve all my problems, just the problem I have of being driven insane by my heels scratching the sheets at night.
This is my day to day moisturizer. Like most Cetaphil products, it’s pretty simple and effective. I use it under my makeup, I put it on before bed some nights, I put it on Jason if he’s looking real dry. There isn’t really much to say about it other than that it’s an all around nice product at a really great price. Remember, don’t use moisturizers that contain an SPF if you’re going to have flash photographs taken. Your face will show up white and you’ll look like a freaking amateur. UNACCEPTABLE.
Reynolds Wrap Aluminum Foil
Anywhere, like, $7? I don’t know, however much foil costs where you shop.
This one seems like a cop out. But, there’s a practical application here! You know how glitter polishes are a pain in the ass to remove, and you just end up with piles of shredded cotton and random stuck on pieces of glitter? And you also know how on Pinterest, sometimes the foil removal method will bubble up? Well, on Sunday, we were watching, “2001: A Space Odyssey,” and I was trying to pay attention and not trying to spend the whole time scrubbing glitter off my nails. So, it seemed like the perfect time to try out that foil method.
I’m sure you’ve all seen it, but in case you haven’t, you stick polish remover soaked cotton balls to your nail, and then wrap each fingertip in foil. The foil keeps the cotton and remover nice and tight up against the glitter polish. After about 5 minutes, remove the foil and cotton by giving a little wipe while you pull it off your finger, et voila! All the polish is gone!
It’s such a nice surprise when something from the internet actually works. Up until last week, I’d pretty much given up on glitter fingers because I couldn’t stand the removal process. I’m back on the horse now, baby!
Oh. Unless you have a handsome assistant to tear foil for you while you soak cotton in remover, you should tear all your foil before you start. The more fingers you wrap up, the more difficult it is to maneuver.
Goody Ribbon Elastics
Target, $3.99
My hair is made of Idle Hands and tentacles, so I usually pull it up. Because of that, I’m having a lucky moment right now that fashion and laziness have aligned, and buns are popular. As a bun sexpert, I’m pretty loyal to my thick, black rubber bands, and claws.
OH. You know what’s cool? When you’re really cleaning your house, and you find a lost claw behind the couch or something. I’m like, “Aww sweet! Bonus claw!” and then I clip it to my shirt for safekeeping. They’re easy to lose, so I hardly ever have to buy them! If I get low, one will turn up somewhere.
OK. I don’t have to tell you how good claws are. You’re a person on the earth, you know how good claws are.
I gave these ribbon elastics a try, and I liked them enough to add them into the rotation. It feels like they hold my hair with less tension, so there isn’t as much pressure where my hair is gathered. I’m really into that. They’re creaseless too, so I can pull my hair up or down as I want. I try to go to bed with my hair loose, but on the nights it’s being especially annoying, I pull it up with these ribbon elastics instead of rubber bands. They’re a lot more comfortable to sleep in, and I don’t get choked out by my own hair in the night.
What’s good at Target for you right now? Is there anything I should know about? Do I need paper towels? Give me an excuse to go to Target!
